Saturday, October 31, 2009

What the kids are watching

I think I mentioned in my last post that I love horror films. It's funny though, because I'm a huge wuss when it comes to watching them. I jump even when I KNOW something is coming (for instance, every time that alien pops out of that poor man's stomach - I've seen Alien dozens of times and it ALWAYS gets me) but for some sick reason I love it! I love movies that get my heart pounding and make me jump or hide my eyes. A little gore never hurt anybody... except for the poor guy getting hacked up by that madman with the chainsaw!

So anyway, it's Halloween and I've been watching these things all October. I've been humming their theme music and quoting the best lines in my best ominous horror movie voice. So I've made a list of must-see Halloween classics guaranteed to get you in the mood...

Dracula (1931)

"There are far worse things awaiting a man than death"

I decided to kick my list off with a true classic. If you haven't seen Bela Lugosi as Dracula, then we probably can't be friends until you do. It's grainy, creepy and all other vampire flicks are second to this one. A distant second. Bela is the original Vampire, and the godfather of Halloween.

The Evil Dead (1981)

"There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark... something... something that's come back from the dead."

Who doesn't want to watch Bruce Campbell fight off scary demons and monsters? This movie was brilliant - a thrilling, creative, no budget roller coaster. The bad lighting, effects and shaky camerawork only add to the creepiness of it. It's campy and a little cheesy but will scare you anyway!

Army of Darkness (1992)

"Good, bad - I'm the guy with the gun!"

Ok ok, so maybe this one is more goofy than scary - but it's a must-watch during the Halloween season because of the cheesy yet AWESOME one-liners, over-the-top monsters... and a chainsaw hand!

Halloween (1978)

"I watched him for fifteen years, sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall - looking at this night, inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off. Death has come to your little town, Sheriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it."

This pick needs no explanation. It's the first real slasher film, and revolutionized the horror movie genre! I'm not as crazy about it's sequels, but the original definitely set the bar for every slasher movie that came after it, and so far none have measured up.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

"We may not enjoy living together, but dying together isn't going to solve anything."

I would be betraying the horror genre by leaving this movie off the list. It will certainly make you check your locks and secure your windows before going to bed. Romero gave horror movies a swift kick in the teeth, by showing zombies as gruesome, violent, flesh-eating creatures... and they're coming for you....

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

"I just can't take no pleasure in killing. There's just some things you gotta do. Don't mean you have to like it."

So many reasons this is one of the best horror movies ever made. Maybe it's the claim at the beginning that the film is based on actual events, or maybe its the mask made of human skin.... either way, when you've got a chainsaw-wielding madman, his f-ed up family and a bunch of hapless victims, you've got yourself a reason to scream.

The Shining (1980)

"Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in."

Ooooh where do I begin with this one? To me, this is the perfect movie. In fact, if I were rating the movies on this list it would be #1, no question. I mean, you have a kid with psychic powers, a scary possessed hotel, and a madman trying to kill his own family ... in true Kubrick style, it's set at a calculated, very deliberate pace that does funny things to your heart rate without you even realizing it until the end when you let out that breath you didn't even realize you were holding.....

Psycho (1960)

"She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?"

Did you really think I could make a Halloween list without a Hitchcock movie? This is one of my very favorites - and still one of the creepiest movies I've ever seen. Just make sure you get the original and not the remake.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

"This isn't the Republicans versus the Democrats, where we're in a hole economically or... or we're in another war. This is more crucial than that. This is down to the line, folks, this is down to the line. There can be no more divisions among the living!"

Banned in 17 countries. I know you're thinking "ok, so why do we need two George Romero zombie flicks on this list?" Well, both are REVOLUTIONARY to zombie movies and the horror genre. Dawn of the Dead features some of the goriest scenes I've ever seen, and really projects a zombie apocalypse to the point where you almost believe it while you're watching the movie. Scary stuff.

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

"One, two, Freddy's coming for you.

Three, four, better lock your door.

Five, six, grab your crucifix.

Seven, eight, better stay awake.

Nine, ten, never sleep again."

Freddy Krueger = one of the best horror movie monsters ever. He's got a creepy backstory, scary messed up face and claws to rip apart his victims. Plus, where else will you find a scene where Johnny Depp gets swallowed by his bed and then regurgitated in a giant geyser of blood? Its gratuitous, creepy and perfect for Halloween.


There are lots of great horror movies not on the list, like Friday the 13th, Alien, Poltergeist, Seven, Stir of Echos, The Ring, Sleepy Hollow.... the list goes on and on.

Notice I did not include The Exorcist. There is a reason for that. It scares me too much! I've seen it once and couldn't sleep right for weeks.

Well, I decided to keep the list all horror, but don't forget that there are Halloween classics that aren't supposed to make you jump in your seat, like the Ghostbusters movies, Beetlejuice or Rocky Horror Picture Show, Shaun of the Dead, Young Frankenstein..... even the new movie Zombieland is FANTASTIC.

So I have one last nugget of wisdom for you before I go start putting on my glampire costume. Stay away from the remake! Texas Chainsaw, Psycho, Halloween... and many many more just aren't as good the second time around! I don't know why people feel the need to mess with a good thing, but they do - it's a good thing you don't have to watch it!

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

The most wonderful time of the year

I consider myself a Halloween connoisseur. I'm obsessed. I've been planning my costume since June, and as soon as October rolls around and AMC starts playing all those old school horror and Halloween movies - forget about it! Try and drag me away from Ghostbusters or Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original of course) and I'll probably bite you. I dance through the Halloween aisle at Target, frequent costume stores and make trips to the Farmer's Market just to visit the pumpkins. Halloween done right can be the most fun night of the year!!

I do have, however, two personal rules of Halloween etiquette that MUST be followed if you're gonna roll with a seasoned Halloween pro like myself:

1. For heaven sakes, get a costume.

There is no one worse than that guy who shows up to the party dressed in regular clothes. I mean, it's a Halloween party and you think you're too cool to dress up? I have news for you "cool guy," you look ridiculous in your khakis and polo standing there between Wonder Woman and that Wookie. Don't be a tool. Dress up and embrace the fun of thinking outside the box for a couple of hours. Trust me buddy, you'll thank me for this little tip later, when you're dancing with that hot Nurse over there instead of drinking your beer while standing off to the side ALONE.

And ladies, I don't mean lingerie is a costume. If slutty works for you then it isn't much of a costume is it? Put the bunny ears away and think of something a bit better ok? You don't want to end up going home with khaki boy ... you can be sexy without looking like you're just gonna give it away.

2. Stay away from fad costumes.

I made a list of this year's most cringeworthy costumes to help you out with this. I know it's tempting and you think some are clever, but trust me, ok? You'll just look like you're trying too hard.

• Jon & Kate. This seems like a no-brainer, but I heard that her stupid weed wacker haircut wig is selling out nationwide. Personally, if I see you dressed as either of these assholes, I will punch you in the face. What's worse than actually being one of these idiots? Emulating them!

• The Balloon Kid. Like this crackhead family needs any more freakin attention.

• Octomom. Same comments as Jon & Kate, with the added zing of "that was soooo last year."

• Michael Jackson. Bad taste, and EVERYBODY's gonna be doing it. Don't tarnish the legacy of Thriller like that. Just don't.

• Any political figure. Lazy and boring - what, are you trying to rob a bank? Put the mask down slowly and walk away...

• Twilight characters. Because it's lame, that's why.

• Any couples costume. I know you think it's adorable, but you are making people vomit in their mouth. Trust me. Group costumes can be cool though, if you wanna go that route.

• Anything with roller skates. Enough said.


Ok I gotta get back to the Bugs Bunny Halloween Hijinks special on Cartoon Network. I'm sure I'll post more Halloween wisdom over the next couple of days as it approaches!

Monday, October 26, 2009

Get up offa that thang

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I'm feeling a bit funky today.

My last post was the last push to get all the nastiness of the breakup out of my system. That's right - I'm back and it's time to move toward something new and better! I decided this last night while soaking in some truly luxurious chocolate- scented bubbles (yeah I said chocolate and that's probably why I've been hungry all day. I smell a bit like a Hershey bar). I finally feel free of what happened. Yeah, I still think about it from time to time but not in a way that will push me back towards him. He's gone, and I've come out tougher and smarter.

So.... yeah. Operating under the assumption that good things come with a good attitude, I woke up this morning, donned my sexiest pair of cranberry patent heels, and strutted out the door singing Michael Jackson's "Bad".....

... and nearly tripped over a diamond ring. I'm not kidding. I did put it on, so I guess that means me and the landing at the apartment building are officially engaged to be married. Ha! If only I could let you-know-who know he's been replaced by poured concrete and steel! (either you're gonna appreciate that joke or not.... it could really go either way).

Work was productive, lunch was delicious, my hair looked great, and I may even hit the gym at some point.

It's time to let go, you know? I've gone through all the steps... deleted photos, old emails and his phone number. I un-friended him on Facebook, and have embraced peanut butter and chinese food once again (hello to my old friend, the peanut - how I missed you! even the slightest tinge of peanut on my breath would have reduced boy to a quivering blister in a matter of seconds! Although perhaps now I should just get a bb gun and a jar of them and go to town).

No, no. I'm done. I'm happy. And I'm BAD.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

From heartbreak to healing

I don't usually let people mess with me. I like to be in control, confident and alert to what is going on around me. When my ex and I broke up though, I found myself in a helpless situation that I couldn't understand or fix. It was, and still is devastating.

I really think when a significant relationship of any kind ends, you go through the 7 stages of grief. Here's what has happened to me:

1. Shock and Denial.

He says "I'm done. It's over." I don't believe him. I think, he'll come back and apologize when he's done being angry. It's been too long and we're too close for it to just end like that, right? I mean, I love him so surely I'm important enough to him to warrant a little forgiveness for what I've done to cause this. Also, he'll certainly realize that what he's done in retaliation is childish and hurtful. I hold on to hope that he will come to his senses.

2. Pain and Guilt.

I can't think. I can't speak. All I do is lay on the couch or the bed or the floor and feel the unbelievable pain of loss. I cry and cry as if someone has died. Everything reminds me of him, so I don't watch TV, go shopping, hang out with friends, or even eat. I feel like this is all my fault, that I caused this to happen and the pain will never end, so I give in to it and hope it will eventually kill me. This is the part where I think I can literally feel my heart break.

3. Anger and Bargaining.

This is where I start thinking it's all his fault. I plot revenge, say nasty things to whoever will listen and dream of beating him senseless for what he's done to me. The anger is unfocused, and I can sense that my friends are getting sick of hearing me vent and complain about him in such a forceful and nasty way. I snap at coworkers, friends and family members. My attitude runs hot and cold all the time. All the while, I'm wondering if there's something I can change in myself that will make him want me back. I don't know at this point if I would take him back, but I want him to desperately want me.

4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness.

Sometimes I think I revert back to this one. The anger has worn off and so has the hope that he will come back. I know I shouldn't want him back, but we had almost a year of really good times and sometimes those memories hit hard. It's hard to go from having someone who's such a big part of my life, who I had a routine with, and who I trusted and craved being around, to nothing. It took a long time to work up to that point of comfort, and it seems so daunting to think about having to work up to it again with someone new. It seems like that will never end up happening and I'll be alone and never share these types of feelings with anyone ever again. How's that for a Debbie Downer?

5. The Upward Turn.

I can actually tell the moment this happened for me. The true turning point where I dusted myself off and decided to move on was actually because of a conversation I had with a good friend of my ex, of all people (who I didn't and still don't know very well, but seems like an awesome person and I'm glad my ex has someone like that in his life). He simply told me that my ex wasn't ready or worthy of a relationship of the magnitude that ours was. He didn't know how to handle it and had a lot of growing up to do before he would be ready. Long story short, it got me over the hump. It wasn't that I had picked someone so wrong for me, as much as it was someone who wasn't ready for me. I'm so thankful for that little conversation! Because it got me to....

6. Reconstruction and Working Through, and 7. Acceptance and Hope.

I'm different now that this happened. I'm still sad, yes, but I'm thinking clearly and gaining back the control I once had over how I handle things and the actions that I take. I'm no longer angry, and I'm also not holding onto any kind of hope that we will reconcile our relationship and get back together.


Well, writing this out probably helped me more than it's helped you. Though I'm well on my way to moving past all that has happened, I still miss him and think about him and it helps to be able to sort out what I've been through in writing. It helps me to realize with my head AND my heart that I can't go back - only forward.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Bros before Hos

Yesterday I had a big moment. I officially un-friended my ex on Facebook. I've decided that he's not worth my time even over such an impersonal and public media. Until yesterday, I had been holding onto the idea that we would go back to being friends. I thought, we got along so well before dating it only makes sense we should be able to again.

On the surface, it seems logical - and lots of ex-couples can manage it. I will not though. My friends are caring, trustworthy, loyal people who I value in a way I can't even describe. Do I want to include my ex in this list of VIPs? Hell no. I have one reason:

He doesn't have anybody's back.

You know, it's one thing to say nasty things about an ex, especially after a bad breakup, but when you start attacking or badmouthing your FRIENDS to anyone who will listen, you yourself are a bad friend and possibly a bad human. Over the past week or so, that's exactly what he's done (it's not his first offense either, he's got a pattern going). He's taken people who've defended him and supported him in the past, and treated them with disrespect and malice. He's cut off people who care about him without a second thought, calling them nasty names both to their faces and behind their backs.


To be a friend is to be understanding and forgiving. Hear both sides of the story before you judge and call names. Don't go off half-cocked and spread poisonous unfounded rumors. Most of all, don't cut someone out of your life just because they pissed you off.


So.... yeah I hit that button removing this idiot from my online life because of something that has in no way involved me (not this time anyway). It was hard to do. But if I sit back and look at how he treated me, and how he treats the people he's supposedly close to, I see someone who needs to grow up and consider that his friends aren't just props in his life. We can't be discarded for weeks at a time, then picked back up when the mood suits.

You can't chose your family. But with your friends you have an opportunity to pick people who you like being around, who support you, trust you, and can be trusted. Don't chose someone who will tear you down - get someone who will lift you up. I think that good friends and good relationships will bring out the best in you. One bad friend can ruin so many aspects of you life! Including your relationships with other people!

For the next guy, whoever he may be, I plan to look at not just how he treats me, but how he treats his friends. I want someone who has respect for all the people he surrounds himself with. I want someone who values his friendships and his friends - it looks to be a great indicator of how he'll value and respect me.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The big purge

I'm at the point now, over a month past the break-up, where I want to be rid of all evidence that the relationship existed. This should be pretty easy for me, because all I really have to remember him is a few ticket stubs, the cork to our 6 month anniversary wine bottle, and a few photos on my hard drive. The photos on my phone are long gone.

It's making me really think back on what we meant to each other and how we showed it. So ...


While in the relationship:

I'm a gift-giver I guess. I see something he would like, and I get it as a random present that needs no occasion. I'm excited to find the perfect little something to show I was thinking about him that day. I pick up stuff at the grocery store to cook because I know he'll like it. He's always in my thoughts and I want him to know it. It makes me happy to surprise him or make him smile. It's usually just little things, but seeing something that reminds me of him makes me feel a little like he is there with me. ...

... and then ...

I don't realize when he stops being that kind, thoughtful person I thought he was. I realize that the thoughtful things he did for me in the first months of our relationship were less tangible, so it was harder to tell when the thoughtfulness ended and lazy self-centeredness began. But you know what? The phrase "it's the thought that counts" rings true here. After about that 6 month point, I really think he stopped trying to show that he cared. Everything became about him. ...


So the big purge of almost a year of dating took little more than 5 minutes for me. Ticket stubs, a cork and a handful of digital photos. I have nothing to smash in frustration, and nothing to light on fire. Thanks to the digital age, I have not one physical photo print to cut his face out of - what little photographic evidence I have of the relationship can disappear forever with one click.

This all just leaves me empty. I don't need stuff in a relationship, but having no evidence of someone I loved - not even a birthday card (much less a birthday present) - it's just depressing in itself.

I don't have it in me to be the bigger person today. This just sucks. I hate that he wasn't the person I was hoping for or thought he was. I hate that I didn't see it for such a long time. Most of all, I hate that I loved someone who didn't even care enough to celebrate my birthday with me, after about 9 months of dating.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Weddings and the single bridesmaid

Usually I don't mind being single. I do want to meet Mr. Right, but "single time" I can use to try new things and better myself without being attached to someone. I can flirt with whoever I want, and none of my days are planned around someone else's schedule. I love independence.

But then sometimes ....

I feel like the one animal whos mate forgot what time the ark was boarding.

Where am I guaranteed to feel this way every time? A Wedding.

As a single woman, I hate going to weddings by myself. Several things always happen:

• At least 3 people over the age of 60 will come up to me and pat me on the back and say something like "you're turn will come sweetie, don't worry."

• My strapless dress will make me look like I have back fat.

• Someone (usually a creepy uncle) will invite me back to their hotel room.

• I will dance by myself.

• I will stand or sit by myself, or attach to a group of people as an extra wheel.

Most of all, I always get that feeling that I'm a part of something that will never happen for me. I've helped some friends pick out engagement rings, and others wedding dresses ... I wonder, will any of this ever be for me, or am I going to keep seeing my friends celebrate as couples starting their lives together, and be content with that?

I'm not obsessed with marriage, and I don't even want to be married right now. I don't feel like any kind of internal clock is ticking or anything like that. It's just that when I'm there, and I see how happy my friends are with their new husbands or wives, I wonder what it would be like to have that with someone - and it's hard to imagine that I ever will when I'm by myself.


Sorry for being a Debbie Downer, but I wanted to say that before I say this:

Yes, a wedding can make even the most confident of us single girls wonder "when is my turn?" But as I was driving home from the latest celebration today, I realized that everything has its time for all of us, and I already have lots of things to toast to in my life. I don't have to be registered to receive amazing (though usually unexpected) gifts. And most of all, I can still be incredibly happy for those of my friends who have each found their person, because I know they will do the same for me.... what are friends really but a network of support and love? It certainly makes the term "someday" way less intimidating. Even if I never get married, I'll still have all that my friends give me, and that in itself is something we can all raise our glasses to.

I thank God every day for my married, coupled and single friends. I love you all!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

What is high maintenance?

So Friday, I was at a bar and this guy I was talking to told me I look like I might be high maintenance, and that he doesn't like high maintenance women. Ugh... seriously? Hopefully that wasn't his idea of flirting. Conversation over.

For the past few days though, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it means to actually BE high maintenace, and who fits into that category.... and how is it that a guy (like the jerk I was talking to at the bar) can make a judgement like that just by looking? So I went to work yesterday armed with my question "what does it mean to be high maintenance?" to see what some of my friends have to say. Even though everyone's response was different, I ended up with two types of answers.

1. Physical high-maintenance.

The girl who spends a lot of time on her outside appearance, hours in the bathroom, perfect hair, expensive clothes and shoes, etc. This type of girl requires constant upkeep and goes to great lengths for physical perfection at all times. She likes to have lots of money spent on her, whether its extravagant presents or fancy dinners. She values things more than she values people, her significant other, or even herself.

My friend Ke explained it like this:

"From a guy's perspective, it means she spends hours and hours in the bathroom before going out. It means the guy she's with values appearance... I also think that high maintenance is more attitude than looks. meaning that she is bitchy, likes to complain about stuff, always needs to have things her way, etc. Psychologically, I think the person is insecure and uses the outside to hide her internal fears."

And Catrina said:

"My personal opinion, high maintenance is that kind of girl that has to always have everything she wants, takes forever to get ready, and is very nit-picky about the smallest things. it's like the girls from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and New York. those women, I think are high maintenance!!"

2. Emotional high-maintenance.

This one is trickier I think. Physical high maintenance was easy to explain. Emotion though, there are so many ways to interpret this type of high maintenance, and so many degrees of it! I really like what my friend David said about it, so I'll start with that:

"It's not about volume. In my experience, all women tend to have a greater quantity of things they do to and for themselves than men do. But a girl is high maintenance when she requires approval for all of that. I don't care if you spend three hours picking out your shirts for the weekend, but if you ask me to approve of that activity, then you're asking for maintenance... I assume everyone has their anxieties and quirks and needs levels of reassurance and approval. To me, high maintenance is needing more of those than other people."

But I think my friend Chris really hit the nail on the head by saying "It means to expect more time, money, attention or affection than the other person feels is reasonable."

That's it I think! Emotional high maintenance really comes down to the OTHER PERSON. It's all relative, and since emotional high maintenance can't be measured in any way thats tangible. Yes, some women need a lot more attention than others, but those who need that should find a man who's happy to cater to their emotional needs and whims. What is high maintenance and overkill for some men maybe just right for others. My friend Patrick had this to say:

"High mantenance is all one is really high is the willingness of the other to actually go out of your way for that person."

I thought it was interesting that he's sees high maintenance as being able to provide something for the girl and her being high maintenance gives him a lot of chances. This was the first time I'd ever considered that high maintenance could mean something positive in some situations.

So maybe...


Ok back to me. I've taken a break, had a beer, and sorted this out a bit in my head. I still think this is a tricky subject. I think too often men use the term high maintenance to control those of us who don't want that label attached to us. As far as being emotionally high maintenance, I think we all need to be supported, encouraged and listened to by our significant other. Yes, there are extremes that aren't necessarily healthy, but expecting someone you care about to support you emotionally is good for you and the relationship, AND it works both ways. So call it what you want, but we all need "maintenance" once in a while. Stay away from any guy who makes you feel like it's unreasonable to want that, or who labels you "high maintenance" to excuse himself from stepping up and giving you the support you need. And it's just that.... A LABEL. It's a judgement. And the men who will support you won't call you high maintenance.

Thats it. What you have in a guy who thinks he can label you like that when you first meet, is someone who wants something for nothing. As Catrina put it, "they are just giving themselves an excuse. I feel when a guy says that about a girl they don't know or is completely not high maintenance, its just a cop out for them to run away. That or they themselves are high maintenance and don't want to give up the attention that it tends to receive."

So friends, the next time a random guy calls you "high maintenance" why don't you "accidentally" spill your beer on his crotch and walk away.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Rule of the day:

Don't date a guy who thinks it's acceptable to ask you out over a text. I mean, if you want to spend time with me I need to be worth at least a phone call. I say if he can't manage that, run away! You don't want a guy who has been that de-volved by his iPhone or Blackberry anyway. In my book, you need to know that you are worth more than 10 seconds of thumb-typing.

Keep your standards high.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Beware of good behavior!

It's so frustrating how long it actually takes to get to know someone! I've learned that everyone you get close to will disappoint sooner or later. When I start dating someone, I'm on my best behavior - trying to show the other person how cool I am and going out of my way to seem thoughtful and interesting. I iron my clothes instead of just putting them in the dryer for 10 minutes. Eventually though, I get comfortable. That's when the relationship finally starts to actually BE a relationship, instead of just dating. At that point, I start to see flaws, get irritated, and find things to fight or get upset about. At the same time though, that's also the point where I start to really really care.

Flaws don't matter. We all have them, and we tolerate them in anyone we're close to. The thing that matters and that will move people forward with each other, is how the issues caused by our flaws are dealt with. We all take a lot of crap from the people that mean the most to us, we get angry and fight and act like total asses to each other. Patience fails! But then for any relationship to have a chance you have to forgive each other and let it go.

My ex and I both failed at patience, and we both failed at forgiveness. Good behavior wore off, and we got through some little fights - but one big fight in July resulted in a breakup. We got back together a couple of weeks later but an even bigger fight in September broke us up for the final time. We were both idiots. Real couples can fight and make up - end of story. I feel like fighting is a part of any solid relationship - because so is forgiveness. It kills me that we didn't have that, but since we didn't, we had no business staying together.

I need to be able to fight in a relationship, but know our bond is strong enough that we will get through it. Did my ex and I have two AWFUL fights? Yes! Were they worse than fights that other couples have - you know, the ones who stay together? No!!! The difference is that the relationship that succeeds has two people in it who are BOTH willing to work through things. I think both people have to be able to admit they are wrong and apologize, and both people have to forgive each other. I'm still really sad that my ex and I couldn't do that.

I guess the best way to say what I learned is this: if you get close enough to somebody, they will hurt you. They will disappoint you. They will make mistakes. You have to be able to forgive the people who are important to you, or you will find yourself alone. Eventually I will find someone who will forgive me when I do or say stupid things, and I will do the same for him. It takes two people to keep something together, but it only takes one to break it apart. Reciprocity and effort - and the relationship may just work.

That's the theory anyway. I hope I am right.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Wanted: Someone who could break my heart... again

Fact: A month ago I got my heart broken by someone who didn't deserve the honor. I dated someone for almost a year who never understood that in a relationship, you have to give as good as you get. He never felt about me what I felt about him.

So when I started to write this blog, I sat down after work one day and just started writing. I poured all the hurt and disappointment I have been feeling for the last 30 days or so into about 2000 words of verbal vomit. Where did all that get me? Well, it made me feel better and worse at the same time. I reread what I'd written the next day and realized that even though nothing about what happened was simple, I can condense everything you need to know about it into the statement above.

I'm not an authority on this relationship business. Seriously, trying to figure it all out just makes my face hurt. Right now I'm single, hurt and sad. I was with someone long enough to get into a pattern, and long enough to start thinking about the possibility that maybe this guy was the right one for me. Those thoughts are intoxicating - they kept me from seeing all those red flags that kept popping up over the last months of the relationship.

I don't when I'll meet Mr. Right, or if I ever will. I keep thinking that if I stay open to the possibility that it could be anyone, I'll find him or he will find me. I can't let one guy who broke my heart affect how I look at love or dating or any of it - or become a grouchy cynic with a houseful of cats ... because I'm better than that. So for now I'm staying positive and taking things a step at a time. I can't hold what happened with one guy against all the others - it's not fair! So while I proceed with caution, I still proceed. Stay tuned ...