Tuesday, June 5, 2012

It's a numbers game….unless you don't know the difference between your and you're

Meeting people is tough. Meeting a decent guy to date? Tougher. The older I get, the less luck I seem to have meeting someone good. Men are like shopping carts - once you find one without a squeaky wheel, some other bitch is already pushing it around the store.

Sigh. I hate the dating game, and actually like being single. OK I don't mind being single. There are definitely ups and downs.

OK I'd really like to meet someone good and start a relationship.

I'll cut to the chase now. Sigh.

I joined an online dating site.

I have been in the world of online dating for 24 hours. I have received emails, comments on my photos, and something called "winks" which I believe to be first cousins with Facebook's "poking", one of the stupidest concepts ever if you are older than 12.

You can tell who's been on there a while with no luck because their profiles are decidedly grouchy and full of what other people are doing wrong. Yeah, because whining on a dating site is oh so attractive. I do see cause for frustration on some fronts though....but instead of putting them on my profile, I decided to list them here.

Even though I'm new to this, I have some suggestions for online daters....namely the men who's profiles I've been browsing. Follow these suggestions and you might have more luck guys:

• Don't post photos you took in the bathroom mirror. Bathrooms aren't sexy, and I can't see your face if your damn phone is in front of it. 

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:
"Oh look at those abs! I don't mind the toilet and pile of laundry in the background as long as the rest of his face matches the 20% that isn't covered by his phone!"

• Use complete sentences, grammar and punctuation. I've been getting emails that are nothing but lower case streams of consciousness and it's ridiculous. "Ur" is not "your" and if you're trying to get me to go out with you, use a fucking capital letter once in a while. I'm not going to respond to something that looks ignorant and lazy that I'm going to have to decipher.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:
"Wow you must have really wanted to talk to me quickly, since what you've sent is a frantic jumble of letters! How sweet!"

• Don't post photos that a girl has clearly been cut out of. Are you serious? There are way too many of these. Way. Too. Many. I'd almost prefer the bathroom photo.

The reaction you soooooo aren't getting from a girl:
"She's probably his sister."

• Listing yourself as "athletic build" when clearly the only sport you've played in a while is beer pong. That's not a 6-pack honey, it's a keg. No matter what you look like you can find someone, but if you lie that's another ballgame. Lying ain't sexy.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:
Yeah I'm not gonna post a reaction for this one. Draw your own conclusions.

• Know how tall you actually are. It's common knowledge in the female world that men have a loose grasp on the concept of inches. I'm 6-0" and if I go on a date expecting a guy who's as tall or taller than me and he's actually more like 5-9"…..it's going to be awkward. My purse is big, but I can't fit a step stool in it.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:
"I have to sit down when we kiss but that's ok."

• Don't post a photo from 10 years ago. Just don't. None of us look like we did 10 years ago and that's ok. Misrepresenting yourself in any way just isn't going to get you anywhere.


I may be a snob here, but I don't want to just have dates. I want to meet a genuine person who holds himself to a high standard of honesty and integrity. When you meet someone in person you put your best foot forward and try to make a good impression, and to me it's important to do that online too.


Friday, January 13, 2012

It's a recession, bitches

Or, why I decided to move.

Last week I came home from the office to find slid under my apartment door not one, but two notices that my lease renewal is coming up due. Nothing unusual about that this time of year, except when I opened the first letter something stood out.

Glared at me like the motherfucking Sun.

My rent is going up $230 A MONTH.

I sat and stared at the paper in disbelief. $230? What the hell are they thinking? I live in a one bedroom with nothing nearby but the airport and the highway and they want to charge me more than a condo uptown?

Oh but it gets better.

The second letter offered what I know these people see as tasty options. First, if I renew I get an undisclosed gift from the office staff….my guess is farts in a jar. Second, I have the option to move to another apartment in the complex for only $150 more than I pay now. Oh how lovely.

Also the letters I was given had two different move-out dates. Obviously I'm dealing with some brilliant minds here.

Lucky me.

So notice to vacate needs to be presented to the leasing office in writing. I thought I'd share mine with you.


Dear Leasing Office Manager,

I have received notice that my lease is up for renewal in March. Thank you for your kind offer to stay, but I'm afraid I must decline and remain living in the real world where people have budgets and can't just pull money to pay a 30% rent increase out of their asses.

Don't get me wrong, your letter was very nice. Reminding me that you have a fitness center and a pool like every other apartment complex in the whole damn world was definitely a selling point. Should I mention the gym smells like an Occupy campsite in a rainstorm? You may want to check on that. Mold is a bitch to get out of cheap-ass carpet. Also, the free Wi-fi lobby for people who can't afford internet in their own apartment because you've jacked the rent up was a nice touch. I hope it's the size of Carlsbad Caverns.

I should also mention the things in my apartment that I've reported as needing maintenance, but your lovely staff just hasn't quite been able to fit into their busy schedule:

• The disposal in the kitchen: broken since November.
• The air conditioning: broken 6 or 7 times last summer, but was never quite fixed. Oopsie on your part, though I did enjoy the dump your maintenance goon took in MY bathroom. He was so considerate to turn on the fan and open a window.
• Lights burnt out in the bedroom closet, the bathroom (both above the sink and the ceiling) porch, hallway, and half the kitchen.
• The kitchen faucet…broken only recently, but why bother calling really? At this point turning on my sink with pliers takes less effort than talking to you nice people.

In case you haven't guessed by now, I'm moving the fuck out. Thanks for making my living situation over the past 8 years wonderfully mediocre.


Tuesday, January 3, 2012

The Sound of Silence...zombies…and Led Zeppelin

Or - everyone is still on vacation but me.

Today I am the only person at work. I have nothing work-related to do. Nothing. It's quiet and cold and I can hear my hair growing, so today has definitely been one of those days where it pays to be able to amuse myself.

Hell, I even had extra energy because I got up early and drug my overly curvy ass to the gym before work. In the FREEZING COLD. So here, in a nutshell, was my day.

Arrive at the gym. Sit in the locker room for 10 full minutes, coat on, waiting to thaw.

Go to an elliptical, set it for hills, 15 minutes, on level 8….which I ended up bumping down to level 5 after the first two minutes.

Get water.

Aimlessly wander around…eventually completing a full lap around the machines, do one set of assisted pull-ups.

Get water.

Motivate to do one set each of a couple of machines that look like they actually DO belong in a gym and not a Saw movie.

Get water.

Go to locker room, making sure to squeeze butt while walking, as an attempt to trick myself into thinking I'm exercising.

Shower, get ready for work.

9am (OK who am I kidding…9:15am):
Arrive at work. Sit in cubicle, coat on, for 20 minutes, staring at blank computer screen.

Get coffee. Loudly curse the person who has made a pot of decaf and not regular. Decaf coffee is the work of Vader, or possibly one of his minions.

Turn on computer. I still have my coat on….and add a blanket over my legs. At this point I am still convinced I will die of hypothermia, mostly because there is no one here to rescue me from such a fate by TURNING UP THE DAMN HEAT.

Check all three emails, Etsy page, bank account, Facebook and Twitter.

Do a lap around my floor, looking for humans.

I have cranked Zeppelin and am singing Misty Mountain Hop in my very best raspy rocker voice. An intern from the other side of the floor comes and asks me to please stop it. I ask him if he's the one who made the decaf coffee. He said no so I let him go unscathed.

I decide to do some online shopping for much needed bras and panties….taking full advantage of the fact that no one is around to see my screen.

Also by this point, I have to pee like a racehorse but don't want to unwrap from coat and blanket. Bah.

I have ordered two bras, today's Livingsocial deal and some gourmet ketchup (don't judge me, it was on sale…also I shouldn't shop hungry) and am trying to decide whether or not I want to brave the cold for lunch.

I opt for no. Screw the cold, I'll eat here….a decision I immediately regret after completely hating the Lean Cuisine I had packed for myself.

Because of lackluster gymming this morning, I decide to do 3 sets each of squats, dips, lunges and push-ups….and the effort leaves me panting on the floor and wondering how often they vacuum here.

Other than the intern, I still have yet to interact with any humans.

It's like a friggin zombie movie here, and deathly quiet. In fact, I take a moment out of what is turning into an extremely busy day to look outside for the decaying undead. No such luck.

Then I spend the next 20 minutes looking for my shoe, which I had kicked off to exercise….

I am wrapped in my Snuggie and my blanket and wondering if we've hit some kind of freaky indoor ice age. I decide to pay bills like the responsible grownup that I am. I also renew my car registration, only 3 days late. Go me!

I check outside again for zombies. I still don't see any. They must be hiding.

Don't mind me, just alternating between writing this blog post and checking outside for zombies. I have decided that my best course of action when they get here is to hook my staplers together to make staple-chucks. I'm a lot like the MacGyver of killin' zombies.

Or perhaps I should use my zombie whispering skills and make hoardes of undead my minions….keeping a New Year's resolution for once.

It's 4:45 now and I'm all caught up with myself.
Also I'm exhausted…that's probably a part of the hypothermia setting in.

Stay warm, folks. I'm outta here.