What is high maintenance?

So Friday, I was at a bar and this guy I was talking to told me I look like I might be high maintenance, and that he doesn't like high maintenance women. Ugh... seriously? Hopefully that wasn't his idea of flirting. Conversation over.

For the past few days though, I haven't been able to stop thinking about what it means to actually BE high maintenace, and who fits into that category.... and how is it that a guy (like the jerk I was talking to at the bar) can make a judgement like that just by looking? So I went to work yesterday armed with my question "what does it mean to be high maintenance?" to see what some of my friends have to say. Even though everyone's response was different, I ended up with two types of answers.

1. Physical high-maintenance.

The girl who spends a lot of time on her outside appearance, hours in the bathroom, perfect hair, expensive clothes and shoes, etc. This type of girl requires constant upkeep and goes to great lengths for physical perfection at all times. She likes to have lots of money spent on her, whether its extravagant presents or fancy dinners. She values things more than she values people, her significant other, or even herself.

My friend Ke explained it like this:

"From a guy's perspective, it means she spends hours and hours in the bathroom before going out. It means the guy she's with values appearance... I also think that high maintenance is more attitude than looks. meaning that she is bitchy, likes to complain about stuff, always needs to have things her way, etc. Psychologically, I think the person is insecure and uses the outside to hide her internal fears."

And Catrina said:

"My personal opinion, high maintenance is that kind of girl that has to always have everything she wants, takes forever to get ready, and is very nit-picky about the smallest things. it's like the girls from the Real Housewives of New Jersey and New York. those women, I think are high maintenance!!"

2. Emotional high-maintenance.

This one is trickier I think. Physical high maintenance was easy to explain. Emotion though, there are so many ways to interpret this type of high maintenance, and so many degrees of it! I really like what my friend David said about it, so I'll start with that:

"It's not about volume. In my experience, all women tend to have a greater quantity of things they do to and for themselves than men do. But a girl is high maintenance when she requires approval for all of that. I don't care if you spend three hours picking out your shirts for the weekend, but if you ask me to approve of that activity, then you're asking for maintenance... I assume everyone has their anxieties and quirks and needs levels of reassurance and approval. To me, high maintenance is needing more of those than other people."

But I think my friend Chris really hit the nail on the head by saying "It means to expect more time, money, attention or affection than the other person feels is reasonable."

That's it I think! Emotional high maintenance really comes down to the OTHER PERSON. It's all relative, and since emotional high maintenance can't be measured in any way thats tangible. Yes, some women need a lot more attention than others, but those who need that should find a man who's happy to cater to their emotional needs and whims. What is high maintenance and overkill for some men maybe just right for others. My friend Patrick had this to say:

"High mantenance is all relative.......no one is really high mantenance....it is the willingness of the other to actually go out of your way for that person."

I thought it was interesting that he's sees high maintenance as being able to provide something for the girl and her being high maintenance gives him a lot of chances. This was the first time I'd ever considered that high maintenance could mean something positive in some situations.

So maybe...

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Ok back to me. I've taken a break, had a beer, and sorted this out a bit in my head. I still think this is a tricky subject. I think too often men use the term high maintenance to control those of us who don't want that label attached to us. As far as being emotionally high maintenance, I think we all need to be supported, encouraged and listened to by our significant other. Yes, there are extremes that aren't necessarily healthy, but expecting someone you care about to support you emotionally is good for you and the relationship, AND it works both ways. So call it what you want, but we all need "maintenance" once in a while. Stay away from any guy who makes you feel like it's unreasonable to want that, or who labels you "high maintenance" to excuse himself from stepping up and giving you the support you need. And it's just that.... A LABEL. It's a judgement. And the men who will support you won't call you high maintenance.

Thats it. What you have in a guy who thinks he can label you like that when you first meet, is someone who wants something for nothing. As Catrina put it, "they are just giving themselves an excuse. I feel when a guy says that about a girl they don't know or is completely not high maintenance, its just a cop out for them to run away. That or they themselves are high maintenance and don't want to give up the attention that it tends to receive."

So friends, the next time a random guy calls you "high maintenance" why don't you "accidentally" spill your beer on his crotch and walk away.