I don't usually let people mess with me. I like to be in control, confident and alert to what is going on around me. When my ex and I broke up though, I found myself in a helpless situation that I couldn't understand or fix. It was, and still is devastating.
I really think when a significant relationship of any kind ends, you go through the 7 stages of grief. Here's what has happened to me:
1. Shock and Denial.
He says "I'm done. It's over." I don't believe him. I think, he'll come back and apologize when he's done being angry. It's been too long and we're too close for it to just end like that, right? I mean, I love him so surely I'm important enough to him to warrant a little forgiveness for what I've done to cause this. Also, he'll certainly realize that what he's done in retaliation is childish and hurtful. I hold on to hope that he will come to his senses.
2. Pain and Guilt.
I can't think. I can't speak. All I do is lay on the couch or the bed or the floor and feel the unbelievable pain of loss. I cry and cry as if someone has died. Everything reminds me of him, so I don't watch TV, go shopping, hang out with friends, or even eat. I feel like this is all my fault, that I caused this to happen and the pain will never end, so I give in to it and hope it will eventually kill me. This is the part where I think I can literally feel my heart break.
3. Anger and Bargaining.
This is where I start thinking it's all his fault. I plot revenge, say nasty things to whoever will listen and dream of beating him senseless for what he's done to me. The anger is unfocused, and I can sense that my friends are getting sick of hearing me vent and complain about him in such a forceful and nasty way. I snap at coworkers, friends and family members. My attitude runs hot and cold all the time. All the while, I'm wondering if there's something I can change in myself that will make him want me back. I don't know at this point if I would take him back, but I want him to desperately want me.
4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness.
Sometimes I think I revert back to this one. The anger has worn off and so has the hope that he will come back. I know I shouldn't want him back, but we had almost a year of really good times and sometimes those memories hit hard. It's hard to go from having someone who's such a big part of my life, who I had a routine with, and who I trusted and craved being around, to nothing. It took a long time to work up to that point of comfort, and it seems so daunting to think about having to work up to it again with someone new. It seems like that will never end up happening and I'll be alone and never share these types of feelings with anyone ever again. How's that for a Debbie Downer?
5. The Upward Turn.
I can actually tell the moment this happened for me. The true turning point where I dusted myself off and decided to move on was actually because of a conversation I had with a good friend of my ex, of all people (who I didn't and still don't know very well, but seems like an awesome person and I'm glad my ex has someone like that in his life). He simply told me that my ex wasn't ready or worthy of a relationship of the magnitude that ours was. He didn't know how to handle it and had a lot of growing up to do before he would be ready. Long story short, it got me over the hump. It wasn't that I had picked someone so wrong for me, as much as it was someone who wasn't ready for me. I'm so thankful for that little conversation! Because it got me to....
6. Reconstruction and Working Through, and 7. Acceptance and Hope.
I'm different now that this happened. I'm still sad, yes, but I'm thinking clearly and gaining back the control I once had over how I handle things and the actions that I take. I'm no longer angry, and I'm also not holding onto any kind of hope that we will reconcile our relationship and get back together.
-----
Well, writing this out probably helped me more than it's helped you. Though I'm well on my way to moving past all that has happened, I still miss him and think about him and it helps to be able to sort out what I've been through in writing. It helps me to realize with my head AND my heart that I can't go back - only forward.
No comments:
Post a Comment