The big purge

I'm at the point now, over a month past the break-up, where I want to be rid of all evidence that the relationship existed. This should be pretty easy for me, because all I really have to remember him is a few ticket stubs, the cork to our 6 month anniversary wine bottle, and a few photos on my hard drive. The photos on my phone are long gone.

It's making me really think back on what we meant to each other and how we showed it. So ...

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While in the relationship:

I'm a gift-giver I guess. I see something he would like, and I get it as a random present that needs no occasion. I'm excited to find the perfect little something to show I was thinking about him that day. I pick up stuff at the grocery store to cook because I know he'll like it. He's always in my thoughts and I want him to know it. It makes me happy to surprise him or make him smile. It's usually just little things, but seeing something that reminds me of him makes me feel a little like he is there with me. ...

... and then ...

I don't realize when he stops being that kind, thoughtful person I thought he was. I realize that the thoughtful things he did for me in the first months of our relationship were less tangible, so it was harder to tell when the thoughtfulness ended and lazy self-centeredness began. But you know what? The phrase "it's the thought that counts" rings true here. After about that 6 month point, I really think he stopped trying to show that he cared. Everything became about him. ...

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So the big purge of almost a year of dating took little more than 5 minutes for me. Ticket stubs, a cork and a handful of digital photos. I have nothing to smash in frustration, and nothing to light on fire. Thanks to the digital age, I have not one physical photo print to cut his face out of - what little photographic evidence I have of the relationship can disappear forever with one click.

This all just leaves me empty. I don't need stuff in a relationship, but having no evidence of someone I loved - not even a birthday card (much less a birthday present) - it's just depressing in itself.

I don't have it in me to be the bigger person today. This just sucks. I hate that he wasn't the person I was hoping for or thought he was. I hate that I didn't see it for such a long time. Most of all, I hate that I loved someone who didn't even care enough to celebrate my birthday with me, after about 9 months of dating.