Beware of good behavior!

It's so frustrating how long it actually takes to get to know someone! I've learned that everyone you get close to will disappoint sooner or later. When I start dating someone, I'm on my best behavior - trying to show the other person how cool I am and going out of my way to seem thoughtful and interesting. I iron my clothes instead of just putting them in the dryer for 10 minutes. Eventually though, I get comfortable. That's when the relationship finally starts to actually BE a relationship, instead of just dating. At that point, I start to see flaws, get irritated, and find things to fight or get upset about. At the same time though, that's also the point where I start to really really care.

Flaws don't matter. We all have them, and we tolerate them in anyone we're close to. The thing that matters and that will move people forward with each other, is how the issues caused by our flaws are dealt with. We all take a lot of crap from the people that mean the most to us, we get angry and fight and act like total asses to each other. Patience fails! But then for any relationship to have a chance you have to forgive each other and let it go.

My ex and I both failed at patience, and we both failed at forgiveness. Good behavior wore off, and we got through some little fights - but one big fight in July resulted in a breakup. We got back together a couple of weeks later but an even bigger fight in September broke us up for the final time. We were both idiots. Real couples can fight and make up - end of story. I feel like fighting is a part of any solid relationship - because so is forgiveness. It kills me that we didn't have that, but since we didn't, we had no business staying together.

I need to be able to fight in a relationship, but know our bond is strong enough that we will get through it. Did my ex and I have two AWFUL fights? Yes! Were they worse than fights that other couples have - you know, the ones who stay together? No!!! The difference is that the relationship that succeeds has two people in it who are BOTH willing to work through things. I think both people have to be able to admit they are wrong and apologize, and both people have to forgive each other. I'm still really sad that my ex and I couldn't do that.

I guess the best way to say what I learned is this: if you get close enough to somebody, they will hurt you. They will disappoint you. They will make mistakes. You have to be able to forgive the people who are important to you, or you will find yourself alone. Eventually I will find someone who will forgive me when I do or say stupid things, and I will do the same for him. It takes two people to keep something together, but it only takes one to break it apart. Reciprocity and effort - and the relationship may just work.

That's the theory anyway. I hope I am right.