Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Jingle bells, Batman smells

It's only November 25, Thanksgiving hasn't even happened yet, and already I'm tired of seeing holiday stuff everywhere. Stores start shoving Christmas down our throats earlier and earlier each year, and I think this year it started even before the Easter Bunny hopped back into his rabbit hole. Well, maybe not that early.... but I was seeing Christmas decorations in stores in September!!!

The holidays are already a lot of pressure. They aren't supposed to be though. No matter what you believe, holidays are supposed to be a time of joy! We're supposed be happy, enjoy and appreciate those close to us, and celebrate what we believe and live for.

Here's the thing though - I'm starting to feel the same way about the Christmas season as I do about a really really mean bully. Here are the reasons:

• Retail retail retail ... seriously, I don't want to be looking at Christmas kitsch while I'm still trying to decide on a Halloween costume! Red and green are NOT fall colors and I am NOT ready to start shopping yet! There are several significant holidays that are starting to get buried under Christmas rubble and most of all, nobody wants the Christmas season to last four months! Cut it out stores. Let me eat my turkey and pumpkin pie in peace.

• The airwaves ... Ok I'm going to say something that will shock many of you. Christmas music isn't that good. That's right.

Let's think about music for a second. Most of what gets produced is pretty disposable - a song is released, it gets airtime, and then it goes away when people get tired of it or the artist releases something else. EXCEPT CHRISTMAS MUSIC. Think of how many times you've heard any single by Mariah Carey compared to how many times you've heard that shitfest "All I Want For Christmas Is You" that she made back in nineteen ninety-something. That's right. If that were a non-holiday song it would have been played for two weeks and people would have been sick of it because it's TERRIBLE. It's a total music double-standard and I'm sick of it year after year. What time of the year can you still hear music by N'Sync played on a regular basis? Christmastime!

sidenote: You know that tearjerker song about the kid who buys his mom those mega expensive shoes because she's dying? Think about it. First of all, what's a dying woman gonna do with Jimmy Choos? How does some little kid know his mom's shoe size? And why can't he read the price tag and realize he doesn't have nearly enough money to pay for them.... well I'll tell you. That kid is running a scam on that dumb guy behind him in line. His mom is not dying and he returned those shoes the next day. Bam. Free money. I bet he went and bought a Wii with it. Tug our heartstrings, get a Wii. Nice. (Thanks Britney)

• Television ... November = time for Christmas movies, apparently. I have a lot of the same criticism for most Christmas movies as I do for Christmas songs, but the difference is a movie is around two hours while a song is only about 3 minutes. Like songs, Christmas movies recycle ideas like crazy. I mean, ANOTHER Christmas Carol was released a couple of weeks ago! How many Christmas Carol movies do we REALLY need? Well I googled it, and there are over 200 versions including a porno! My point is, 3-D or not, we didn't need another one. Seriously, it wasn't even Dickens' best work (that was Great Expectations, my favorite book EVER). Also, who wants to go see a Christmas Movie in the middle of November? Who's brain fart of a release date was that?

Another thing... please please please for your own sanity avoid those made for tv movies starring Kathy Ireland, Valerie Bertinelli Tim Allen or anyone else who can't get work these days (Lindsay Lohan as a cokewhore elf anyone?). Just say no!

There are, however, some really good Christmas movies, so howabout you bypass the sappy made-for tv or straight to video abominations and check out one of these:

• A Christmas Story

• National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (the first one ONLY)

• How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the original animated one. If you get the Jim Carrey one I will cut you))

• Elf

• Miracle on 34th Street (either is fine, but I like the original better)

• A Charlie Brown Christmas

• Die Hard

• Love Actually

• The Nightmare Before Christmas

• Santa Claus: The Movie (not the Tim Allen one. This one is actually good and that whiny, spoiled kid is not in it)

• Scrooged (because it's Bill Murray, that's why)

• Any of the claymation Christmas movies, like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

• The Muppet Christmas Carol (just forward through the parts where anyone but a muppet sings and you'll love it)

• Television part II .... that's right. Commercials!!! Dear GAP, Kay Jewelers, Lexus, Hallmark, Jared The Galleria of Jewelry, Victoria's Secret, Zales and anyone else who will be assaulting my eyes and ears with jingles, dancing, guilt trips and stupid taglines. STOP IT. You aren't doing anything for me but activating my vomit reflex. Seriously, if I hear "every kiss begins with Kay" one more time I'm going to stab myself in the ear with a butter knife.


Ok my last grievance is going to be really hard to express without making me sound like a total ass. I'll preface it by saying I love giving to charities, people in need, etc. I give what time and money I can, in the spirit of helping and in the spirit of the season. But there is so much pressure coming from all sides from organizations and charities for more and more and more - it loses something. Instead of generosity and giving, it becomes obligation and guilt and taking. I recently read in the local paper that the Salvation Army is adding credit card swipers to their buckets!! It's that "give us more" mentality that turns people off to it. I mean, I've always dropped money into every one of those buckets I see throughout the holiday season. If I swipe my card, yeah I'll give more but I'm likely to only do it once. It's almost like greed is replacing charity, and that is dangerous.


So yeah, I think a combination of all this overload of commercialized crap is what is ruining Christmastime these days. We are supposed to celebrate life and giving and love. We are supposed to be thankful for all that we have been given and for the people who mean the most to us. Instead we feel pressure, guilt and stress. Everything around us assaults our senses and irritates us instead of lifting us up. We forget what Christmas is all about. We lose the true meaning of the holiday and never truly celebrate it....

I realize I sound like a total Scrooge, and we all know that there are already too many of those! I can't do anything about the Christmas attack that stores, radio and tv have waged on this country, but I can do something about my attitude. This year, Christmas season starts on Friday, the day after Thanksgiving. I'm going to remember what the season truly represents, and I'm going to embrace the joy that comes with that meaning. Until then, I'm going to gorge myself on turkey and cranberry sauce and stuffing. I'm going to watch football on the couch in a delicious overstuffed food coma.

Gobble gobble.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A Letter to Yoga

Dear Yoga,

We reconnected recently during what I can only hope is a period of self improvement for me. You enticed me with a promise that you can center my mind, body and sprit like no one else can, whispering sweet words like "I can give you the muscle tone you've always dreamed of" and "find the balance and flexibility you never had in my arms." Oh Yoga, you had me. I wanted those things with every fiber of my poorly toned body. All my flabby soft bits cried out for your love. For a short blissful period of time I thought maybe what happened between us years ago was all in the past and we could move forward and have a lasting relationship full of good energy and relaxation and balance....

But Yoga, you BITCH. As I unrolled my brand new purple mat and tied my hair up, I was giddy with excitement. Soft music filled the room, the lights dimmed and I began to form my first pose. But then, something happened to me Yoga. Something terrible and unnatural.... It was a feeling I had forgotten I could feel. What was it Yoga? What was it that you did to me as I balanced and stretched and tried to keep up?

PAIN, Yoga. That is what I was feeling. How could you do this to me? At first I thought, It's me. I've gone and pulled a muscle and it's my fault. Yoga would never twist my body and cause such a cruel thing to happen. Yoga wants to make me a better, stronger and more centered person... right? Oh Yoga, how you had poor little me fooled. But I didn't pull a muscle did I? That pain should have been a warning. It was my body's way of crying out! Saying stop it Yoga! Stop doing this to me! What have I done to deserve being contorted and stretched beyond all human limits!?!

Yes Yoga, the honeymoon is over and our true colors have come out. I could say it's not you, it's me, but I just can't. Because it is you, Yoga. My mind, body and spirit are disappointed in what you have shaped me into. You didn't relax me or make me feel better, you made me MAD and SORE. I suppose we could meet each other halfway and try to resolve and strengthen our relationship, but I know you will not change. Even now I am sitting in a blob on the floor, too defeated to pull myself into my chair and type normally.... I can't even look at you Yoga. Once again, we must part ways. It's best for both of us I think. Perhaps in the future we will be able to form some sort of timid friendship, but for now ...

... don't call me.



Monday, November 16, 2009

Things I am thankful for

Ok, I know that Thanksgiving is still 2 weeks away, but as someone who's been feeling down lately I have decided that it is a perfect time for me to stop dwelling on negatives and look at all the wonderful things in my life that I have to be thankful for.

There are all the big things, like I have a loving family, awesome friends, a cool job, cool apartment, etc. etc.... That was what you expected me to start listing off right? Well I am MOST thankful for all those people and things, but I thought a list about the little goofy things I love would be much more fun.

So here it is, I call it my "little things" list. I am thankful for:

• Chuck Norris. Start the list off right. I mean, who ISN'T thankful for Chuck Norris?

• Patent leather. Because it's awesome and shiny and comes in all colors of the rainbow. If you want to see me strut around like I own the world, put me in a pair of patent heels and just watch it happen.

• My Stewie pants. Fleece Stewies dancing all over my legs... need I say more? Best. Pants. Ever.

• People named Bruce. Bruce Willis, Bruce Campbell, Bruce Wayne, Bruce Lee, Bruce Springsteen, Dr. Bruce Banner...... even the robot shark in Jaws was named Bruce!

• More cowbell. Because I gotta have it.

• Guilty Pleasure TV. Real Housewives, Toddlers and Tiaras, Bridezillas, etc.... yeah I watch all that mindless crap and LOVE it.

Just about anything on the Food Network.

Any movie with either Jason Statham or Gerard Butler.

• Salted caramel brownies from Amelie's Bakery in NoDa. To die for!

• Football season. Even though my teams aren't doing very well ...

• Basketball season. Even though my teams aren't doing very well ... except the Spurs. Come to think of it ....

• Tim Duncan and the Spurs. It's time for Timmy to get another ring. Suck it Kobe!

• French Roast coffee. Black - no need to spoil the taste by adding a bunch of stuff.

• Seinfeld reruns. "Why don't we fly up to the moon and then drive around? That is the essence of male thinking right there!" Good stuff...

• Sushi. I could eat my weight in it.

• The guy who stood in front of me in line at the grocery store. I don't know who he was, but he had a great ass so I'm grateful he was there and had lots of groceries so I could take a nice long look.

• Tim Burton movies (exception: Planet of the Apes. blech.). As my boss says "only a twisted mind understands a twisted mind..."

• Phones with cameras on them. Because that lets us have websites like this.

• My Mac. Suck it PC.

• Pedicures. Yes, I am very VERY thankful for pedicures.

• Sharp-witted people. Tina Fey, Jon Stewart, Demitri Martin, Joel McHale and Chelsea Handler, I love you all.

• Ninjas. They keep you safe and you don't even know it.

• Any interview with Megan Fox. Keep talking to the press sweetie, your little nuggets of wisdom make me laugh so hard I almost pee myself. I think she is the reason guys wish hot girls came with a mute button.


Ok, I have to cut myself off here... my happy little list of goodies is getting quite lengthy! Also, It's making me hungry ... so I'll wrap up by saying that I've been so lucky to have what I have and who I have in my life. I have so many things that I am thankful for every single day! I'm sure I'll post more as Thanksgiving approaches, because it really is that time of the year, when we really think about who and what (but especially who) matters to us! Cheers to that!

Monday, November 9, 2009

That's what she said

On paper, keeping a friendship with an ex may look like a good idea. In the case of most of my exes, we were friends first, so why not be friends after the relationship doesn't work out? I mean, if you first bonded over movies and music and whatnot it's not like those interests changed after you broke up, right?

In my opinion, a successful relationship will change you. Maybe your interests stay the same, but that something inside you that initially bonded you to that person usually doesn't after you break up. When one or both of the people calls it quits, the bond is broken and it changes you. So when the smoke clears and you move on, you're different - you have a little bit better of idea what you want from the next person. In the long run, it's a good thing if maybe the friendship doesn't work out - but sometimes realizing this opens a fresh new wound that has to heal all over again. That said...


I'll admit it. I do stupid things sometimes.

Tonight I did a stupid thing. I messaged my ex online, just too feel him out and see if we'd be able to have a conversation that wasn't either completely awkward or nasty. Go figure, it started out awkward and ended up nasty. Greeeat.

So, while I don't think a post-dating friendship is impossible, I think I'll get my head back on straight and let the possibility of this one die. You know, in the interest of being a bigger person. But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I played the game like him. No wait - I'm smarter and more creative, that means I can potentially play better and meaner. So these are some things he actually said to me tonight, so while my actual responses were much more benign, here is what I wish I had said.... Although I'm sure the conversation would have taken a much more volatile turn if I had. The truth is, letting sleeping dogs lie is not my forte, so you have to realize I practiced extra restraint with what I actually said to him, and the hypothetical responses below are what I was really thinking...

When he said:

"I don't humor people with phony conversation when I don't have anything to say."

Maybe I should have said:

"Well I'm thinking it's more phony that you were only speaking to me in the first place because you were trying to get into my pants... I mean honestly sweetheart, I only started hanging out with your little diva ass in the first place because I thought you were gay and come to think of it I'm still not convinced otherwise."

When he said:

"After dating you for so long, I lost interest."

I should have said:

"Really? You lost interest in someone who's massively hotter than you, who cooked for you and cleaned your kitchen, taxied you back and forth from the airport and took you to the Urgent Care when one of your bubble boy allergies acted up? Who doted on you and did anything you asked? REALLY? Ok stupid, is it possible that junior-sized snap shirt you're wearing is a little tight around the neck and cutting off your circulation, because I think you have some really misguided standards for the 'ideal girlfriend' and I can't wait to see what mousy little thing you can get next. Or even better, get with someone who's as selfish, narcissistic and entitled as you - I wonder how that's gonna work out?"

When he said (mockingly):

"I'm also still a bad boyfriend, extremely immature, and I'm reckless with relationships."

I should have said:

"Yep." (oh wait, I did say that one)

When he said:

"I discarded you a while ago."

I should have said:

"Well that's too bad for you. Because you gave up someone you didn't deserve in the first place. Seriously, that's like throwing a diamond ring in the trash. So what, I was less interesting than your Madden game? Fuck you, you stupid prick."


So yes, my true feelings come out on the most passive-agressive and self-indulgent medium around - a blog page. Maybe I'm a bitch but the whole thing just pissed me off. Every time I tried to end the conversation he started it all back up - relentless, like a little teacup poodle just snapping at my ankles. I mean, it's been two months and the nastiness is still there. I said in a previous post we'd never be friends and in a moment of weakness I doubted that decision. Look what happened! One hour of online bickering and my mind is made up once again. What a douche.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Oh crap I'm a duck face

Yesterday a friend sent me this site. As I was laughing and passing it along to my friends, several of them replied back that hey, I should upload some photos to the site because I totally make that face in photos all the time.


Ok, ok.... yes, I've been known to take a goofy photo or two. I make faces out of pure uncontested silliness, so it makes sense that an occasional duck face would slip in to my photo galleries. I feel I should clarify that I do not make this face to be sexy, accentuate my cheekbones (fabulous as they are), make my lips pouty or turn you on.

And just to show I'm a good sport and can laugh at myself, I give you my own personal duck face photo gallery:

Yeah, I know. I'm a sexy bitch.... and I can duck face with the best of the best.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Anatomy of a Halloween makeover

Halloween has come and gone, and left quite a bit of carnage in its wake. My apartment looks like a tornado has touched down, leaving scattered debris made of makeup, fake blood and skanky goth clothing ....

That's right folks, this weekend I dressed as my favorite Halloween cliche: the vampire.


Places I've had to OxyClean fake blood since yesterday:

• The living room carpet

• The dining room carpet

• my computer mouse

• the kitchen counter

• the kitchen floor

• the couch

• the driver's side seatbelt in my car

• the gearshift in my car

• the steering wheel in my car

• pretty much all surfaces in the bathroom

• two different jackets

• my cell phone

why so much blood? well I decided to gore myself up, giving myself a nasty vampire hickey, because apparently it's more fun to be a freshly turned vamp with blood oozing out of prosthetic holes on the side of my neck. It took 2 hours, gobs of makeup, liquid latex and tacky fake blood to finally accomplish this masterpiece:

Pair that with some fang dentures and a black wig and you're got yourself a newly turned vampire.

Which brings me to my next issue: the wig. You see, I ordered my wig and on the website I had to make a tough decision. I had to pick either small or large head size. I really thought that small meant child and large was adult, but after receiving the wig in the mail and realizing that it was much much too big for my head (massive locks of red hair included) I was informed by a friend that small meant lady size and large was man... so needless to say I had a bit of a conehead in my enormous drag queen wig:

But hey, I worked it. I put on my hot-ass black dress, fishnets with the backseam and slutty red patent t-strap high high heels... so WHAT if my wig, fake eyelashes and over-the-top makeup made me look a little like I was in drag. I LOVED my costume. Trust me, I looked hella sexy as I towered over fellow partygoers and bared my (frighteningly realistic) prosthetic fangs.

Other costume issues I had while getting dressed were:

• It took 45 minutes to secure my fake eyelashes to my eyelids. It was ridiculous and I had eyelash glue boogers all over the upper half of my face before it was done.

• My outlast lipstick outlasted just about everything. I woke up this morning with red lips and couldn't figure out how to get it off. When they say outlast they aren't kidding. Good job, CoverGirl.

• The fishnets I bought were too short for me, I spent the night with the crotch of the fishnets sitting pretty at about 4" below where my actual crotch was.

But it all looked pretty good, so I suffered not in vain.

Then after the party, I got home and was so tired all I wanted to do was fall into bed (another place to clean fake blood from). That was not an option however, because of the massive amount of makeup and gore on my face and neck. I started by pulling off the latex neck wound:


I figured it would just be easy to shower to get all that off. But let me tell you a little something about fake blood: it STAINS YOUR SKIN. I walked around all day today looking like I had a patch of neon pink sunburn on my neck. Hopefully by tomorrow it will have faded to a more normal-looking shade.... but for now, I'll just say it was worth it! I had a great Halloween and am sad it is over... I'm already starting to plan for next year...