That's what she said

On paper, keeping a friendship with an ex may look like a good idea. In the case of most of my exes, we were friends first, so why not be friends after the relationship doesn't work out? I mean, if you first bonded over movies and music and whatnot it's not like those interests changed after you broke up, right?

In my opinion, a successful relationship will change you. Maybe your interests stay the same, but that something inside you that initially bonded you to that person usually doesn't after you break up. When one or both of the people calls it quits, the bond is broken and it changes you. So when the smoke clears and you move on, you're different - you have a little bit better of idea what you want from the next person. In the long run, it's a good thing if maybe the friendship doesn't work out - but sometimes realizing this opens a fresh new wound that has to heal all over again. That said...

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I'll admit it. I do stupid things sometimes.

Tonight I did a stupid thing. I messaged my ex online, just too feel him out and see if we'd be able to have a conversation that wasn't either completely awkward or nasty. Go figure, it started out awkward and ended up nasty. Greeeat.

So, while I don't think a post-dating friendship is impossible, I think I'll get my head back on straight and let the possibility of this one die. You know, in the interest of being a bigger person. But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I played the game like him. No wait - I'm smarter and more creative, that means I can potentially play better and meaner. So these are some things he actually said to me tonight, so while my actual responses were much more benign, here is what I wish I had said.... Although I'm sure the conversation would have taken a much more volatile turn if I had. The truth is, letting sleeping dogs lie is not my forte, so you have to realize I practiced extra restraint with what I actually said to him, and the hypothetical responses below are what I was really thinking...

When he said:

"I don't humor people with phony conversation when I don't have anything to say."

Maybe I should have said:

"Well I'm thinking it's more phony that you were only speaking to me in the first place because you were trying to get into my pants... I mean honestly sweetheart, I only started hanging out with your little diva ass in the first place because I thought you were gay and come to think of it I'm still not convinced otherwise."

When he said:

"After dating you for so long, I lost interest."

I should have said:

"Really? You lost interest in someone who's massively hotter than you, who cooked for you and cleaned your kitchen, taxied you back and forth from the airport and took you to the Urgent Care when one of your bubble boy allergies acted up? Who doted on you and did anything you asked? REALLY? Ok stupid, is it possible that junior-sized snap shirt you're wearing is a little tight around the neck and cutting off your circulation, because I think you have some really misguided standards for the 'ideal girlfriend' and I can't wait to see what mousy little thing you can get next. Or even better, get with someone who's as selfish, narcissistic and entitled as you - I wonder how that's gonna work out?"

When he said (mockingly):

"I'm also still a bad boyfriend, extremely immature, and I'm reckless with relationships."

I should have said:

"Yep." (oh wait, I did say that one)

When he said:

"I discarded you a while ago."

I should have said:

"Well that's too bad for you. Because you gave up someone you didn't deserve in the first place. Seriously, that's like throwing a diamond ring in the trash. So what, I was less interesting than your Madden game? Fuck you, you stupid prick."

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So yes, my true feelings come out on the most passive-agressive and self-indulgent medium around - a blog page. Maybe I'm a bitch but the whole thing just pissed me off. Every time I tried to end the conversation he started it all back up - relentless, like a little teacup poodle just snapping at my ankles. I mean, it's been two months and the nastiness is still there. I said in a previous post we'd never be friends and in a moment of weakness I doubted that decision. Look what happened! One hour of online bickering and my mind is made up once again. What a douche.