Past and present

Those of you who know me have seen how little I date. I suppose that is on purpose to an extent because several people have told me that a woman has exactly the love life she wants. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that each man who's been in my life whether good or bad has been significant.... and good or bad, at some point I made the conscious choice to be with every one of them.

I don't consider my dating past to have many mistakes in it - which is funny because as I watch friend after friend get married and in some cases start popping out babies, I am still miles from the aisle. It's also funny that I started this blog with a wounded heart over some guy who didn't deserve to break it.

That first post was bred from anger and pain and frustration and I thought that yet again, I had either failed to pick well or failed as a girlfriend.... but as I reread it today I realized that my last statement was actually pretty damn strong:

"So while I proceed with caution, I still proceed."

I can't let what came before to keep me from what is ahead. That's like expecting the person behind you in line at the store to pay for your groceries. I need to use the past so that it helps propel me forward, not hold me back.... and certainly don't hold anyone in my present accountable for the actions of someone in my past.

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I am dating someone right now. He's quickly becoming very important to me, and I'm eager to see what happens with us. He's one-of-a-kind and brings out good things in me, and I really hope there is a future here.

We've both talked about our pasts and it seems until now, our paths and lifestyles have been very different. I don't like to think about him being close with other women, either physically or emotionally. What girl would...

...that's the struggle isn't it? I'm dating someone I might have a real future with and I've got my fingers crossed that I'm not just another future nameless ex to add to the list. I have trouble living in the present because I'm so worried about how the past will affect everything.

"So while I proceed with caution, I still proceed."

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I have a point to make I promise. Today I had an epiphany and it made my whole outlook clearer. It made me relax and just know in my heart that everything, no matter what happens, will work out for the best and BOTH of us will be better because of it.

Seriously, I should be applauded for my own genius and maturity. I am like a hot ginger version of Yoda.

I will never be a nameless, faceless ex, because none of us have any of those. Each person any of us have ever had in our lives has played a part, good or bad, in who we are today. It doesn't matter what they did to you, how they made you feel, or how intimate you ever were. What matters is that every ex, date, and one night stand has helped mold each of us. They've also helped us figure out what we want.

So if my boyfriend's exes have made him into the man he is today, I should be thanking them. So far, he motivates me to be the best possible version of myself. I can't ask for more than that can I?

Oh yeah, that he feels the same way about me... wink wink...

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Bottom line: there is a reason exes are exes. Not one is nameless and everyone matters in some way. Failed relationships build us - they make us stronger and they help us figure out what we want.

Mommywood

So... we are fast approaching what I consider one of the most stress-filled holidays of the year, Mother's Day. Now, I should probably be clear up front that I love the idea of a day that celebrates mothers and all they have done for us, their spawn. I want to make it clear that I in no way want to diminish the importance of motherhood, or how much work and sacrifice and love good parents give.

But this particular post isn't about that. In fact, I wasn't really sure when I decided to write a Mother's Day post what direction I would take it in. So I started with one of the most obvious sources of inspiration.....

Urban Dictionary.

So my search produced 28 pages of entries, which offered almost as much inspirational focus as a Jackson Pollack painting. Back to square one.

What about "yo momma" jokes? Eh, I dunno. Those things get a little too much use, don't you think?
...
...
...

Then it hit me. The reasons behind why I get so stressed out around this holiday come down to expectations. My mom likes attention and she likes stuff. Last year, my biggest Mother's day fear was realized, when my mom threw a full-blown tantrum complete with crying fit because we didn't make her feel special enough. Nevermind that I blew off work, showed up with armloads of flowers and presents and waited on her hand and foot all day. She was angry because I didn't cook for her too. Seriously? NO WONDER I can't think of anything to write. As much as I love and respect my mom, enough is enough.

Since I can't flat out tell my mom to stop being crazy (well I could, but I suspect it would be the last thing I ever did), I'm doing my best to accept the way she is. OBVIOUSLY she doesn't realize that I'd be eager to cater to her every whim on "her day" if I didn't feel like I was forced.

My mom is an extreme case, but you KNOW that the general sentiment of "this is my day" is common between mothers everywhere. They may say they just want a hug, but read between the lines baby, a hug just won't cut it.

.....

I am lucky though. There have been a lot of mothers in the news in recent years, many of which earned their celebrity status solely through bad parenting! At least I can't claim any of these stellar specimens of motherhood as my own:

Kate Gosselin

Gosh Kate, I really wish you'd stop complaining about what a burden it is to be a tv star... on reality shows. Remember your 8 kids didn't suddenly go away when you got new hair. But at least I can thank you for showing me what it would look like if a zombie danced the foxtrot on NyQuil and quaaludes. I really look forward to the day when I DON'T see your dead-behind-the-eyes grin on every newsstand I pass.... because I'd really like to be able to buy milk without seeing how you are "fighting back" or something stupid like that. You aren't fighting anything but responsible parenting. See you on "Celebrity Fit Club" in a couple of years.

Dina Lohan

Just what everyone needs, a mom who still thinks she's a teenager. Tell me, how is letting 24 year olds do tequila shots off your boobs helping your daughter NOT slowly kill herself with hard living? Not to mention she's the stage mom from hell...

Octomom

I didn't know stupidity and fertility drugs could make you famous.... oh wait. You aren't anymore. Go do yourself a favor and be in that porno... it's the only career opportunity you're going to get sweetie. I guess there is something morbidly fascinating about a human clown car, but there is only so much you can do with that. Also, please learn the difference between fertility drugs and M&Ms.

Courtney Love

OK, if you don't know why Courtney Love is one of the worst moms ever, I'm not sure what to tell you.

Kendra

I have to admit that I have no idea what her parenting skills are like, I just know she's dumb as a rock and more irritating than Bobcat Goldthwait on helium.... kinda the same way I feel about Tori Spelling. At least Kendra hasn't written book after narcissistic book about being a mom. Ugh.

Britney Spears

I'm wondering if Britney's kids got her a carton of cigarettes for Mother's day. This girl is the poster child for being a bad mother - you name it, she's done it. In fact, I could cite the whole Spears clan for shitty mothering skills.... I mean her sister had a baby at what, 16? And I guess their mother should probably be held responsible for how both girls turned out. Shame on you, Spears women. Please stop breeding!

.....

So gone are the days when a macaroni necklace and a card will make her happy. Do what you gotta do, and remember, it will be Monday soon.

Another bad idea

Celebrities never disappoint when it comes to bad ideas. A-list, B-list, DDD-list, it doesn't matter. Take Heidi Montag, for example. She has had more bad ideas than she's had faces and yet she is STILL AROUND, and she is STILL FAMOUS.

Boooo.

For now though, Heidi, you and your plastic melons are off the hook - because there is only one thing that could possibly be worse than a b-list celebrity with a bad idea.... and that is a has-been celebrity who has one. Siiiigh. I must discuss.

Elizabeth Berkley.

Back in the day, Elizabeth was a star in one of my favorite shows growing up, Saved By the Bell. She was goody-good Jessica Spano. Kinda nerdy, kinda neurotic, but overall a pretty benign character with decent values. I really remember two things about her: she got addicted to caffeine pills and was taller than all the boys in school.

So I guess after leaving the show she tried to break into film, because the next thing anybody can remember, she's grinding her ladyslipper all over well, everything and everyone in a little movie called Showgirls. Yikes. Bipolar career anyone? I'll take "ways to shed your squeaky clean image for $500, Alex".....

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting in my cubicle working very very hard and someone sends me a link to a news story about... ta-DA!!! Elizabeth Berkley. I made my surprised face. It looked like this:

So here is what the link said, from the AP, straight up:

"NEW YORK — Elizabeth Berkley is ready to take your question.

The actress will be writing "Ask Elizabeth," a "a self-esteem handbook for teen girls" based on questions she has been asked over the years.

G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers announced Tuesday that it expects to release the book next spring. It's an imprint of Penguin Young Readers Group."

and from USA Today:

"Elizabeth Berkley, 37, wants to empower girls.

She will be writing Ask Elizabeth: Real Answers to Everything You Secretly Wanted to Ask About Love, Friends, Your Body…And Life in General...

... Elizabeth is also launching a monthly "Ask-Elizabeth" column on Oprah.com in April 2010."

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Hmmmmmm. I don't know what to make of this. I had to think about it for a second:

Ok, this is a little much from someone who was so hell-bent on destroying her wholesome image with an NC-17 movie. It's a little like Kate Gosselin giving hair advice.

Things I really hope young girls aren't asking Elizabeth Berkley about:

How to act your way out of a paper bag (although the um, 'dancing' was very convincing)

Caffeine pills

Kissing Mario Lopez (ewwwwww)

Stripping

How to cook a steak

Why PETA is a good idea

What the hell happened to Dustin Diamond

Is Mario Lopez's hair crunchy or greasy

Things it's probably ok to ask her about:

Kissing Mark-Paul Gossellar

How often to water a dress made of lettuce

What the hell happened to Lark Voorhies

Cubs or White Sox

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I dunno. I'm just having trouble believing that much grounded advice can come in this package:

I suppose I may be wrong. Yeah, me and the guys at work laughed at the article today and made jokes about the racy scenes in Showgirls vs. self esteem, but the movie did come out way back in 1995. I have no idea what she's been up to since then, so part of me thinks maybe I've judged a little harshly.

Either way though, you need more than a vagina and name recognition to be able to give good advice to young girls. I'm sure she means well, but I'm still filing this under "bad idea."

Dollars at work

Ahhhhh money. I never have enough of it, can't seem to manage it and it keeps disappearing from my account faster that Tim Tebow is going to disappear into the NFL.

Just when I think I have a little extra, some unforseen (and usually unpleasant) expense inevitably swoops in to claim it. I mean, life is expensive enough without all this extra random crap that seems so intent on sucking my savings dry......

... and I KNOW you feel me on this. Just recently I left the dentist suffering from some pretty acute anxiety over the bill I was racking up there and my engine light came on. There are out of town weddings to attend, medical expenses, and let's not EVEN talk about how badly my carpet needs to be shampooed or my couch needs to be re-covered.

ugh.

I want a savings account. I want to be able to buy a house before I'm 50. I want to sign up for a 401-K but still be able to put food on my table. I want to be able to buy name-brand tampons without being racked with guilt at the expense.

UGH.

So often enough I think to myself: "what can I do to make my money situation better?"

I've written often enough in this blog about ways I'm trying to improve myself and my life. I'm tackling health, fitness and relationships, so why not work on developing smart money habits too. For starters, I did what I always do when I want to tackle a problem:

I Googled it.

You know, Google is really only helpful if you either need something really specific, really general, or a photo of Justin Bieber (why is that name in my head?).... so onto plan B.

I wrote down my super grown-up financial goals (yeah me!):

• Pay off credit card debt
• Have a reserve for unforseen expenses
• Have a savings account that I contribute to each month
• Sign up for a 401-K
• Save for a down payment on a house
• Be able to afford vacations, friends' weddings and other extra yet significant expenses without going on a diet that consists exclusively of Wonderbread and Ramen.

Ok, so the amount of money that goes into my account each month is pretty much the same every time. On occasion, I'll have the opportunity to make something extra, but not regularly enough that I can rely on that as part of my income. So my spidey sense is telling me that something's gonna have to give.

What can I cut back on? Hmmmm

• I can bring more lunches to work. I usually end up eating lunch out, which adds up.
• Maybe, just maybe I don't need 6 different kinds of shampoo in my shower...
• Nickel and dime expenses - like lattes, iTunes, etc.... a dollar here and there adds up.
• Quit buying stuff I don't really need - even if it's on sale.

I dunno. This list was harder than the first. I'm not sure where my money goes, so I'm going to write down every dollar I spend for the next month and see if anything stands out. In a lot of ways I live very cheaply, but I know there are some things that I do with my money that aren't terribly brilliant. The first step I think, is to acknowledge what my bad tendencies are and try and change them. It's kind of like going on a diet I think.

But I guess the thing about sacrifices is, they allow for bigger and better things in the long run. As a whole, our country has nurtured a culture of greed and overspending.... and now look where we are. I don't want to fall any further into that rabbit hole of thinking that I can have anything I want, because I can't. No, that's not what my credit card is for. Used properly, it is a valuable survival tool, not a means to get those designer jeans I've been wanting oh-so-much.

Ok stay tuned. This is not gonna be fun - but sometimes worthwhile things aren't.

Like The Little Engine That Could said: I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can....

Ga Ga oooh la la

It always happens when you least expect it. Maybe you're driving down the road not completely paying attention to what's on the radio....

Maybe you can't remember where you heard it. Maybe, just maybe it played for 20 seconds in a commercial, which is just long enough for it's spidery fingers to reach deep into your brain and take hold.... wrapping around your subconscious like the warmest zebra print Snuggie....

You've been singing the same song in your head for four hours and you didn't realize it until.....

RIGHT

JUST

NOW.

Now the important thing to realize is, that panicking will just make it worse.

Stupid sexy pop music!

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I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. A catchy song can stay in my head for hours, days, and sometimes it will grow such deep roots it will stick around for WEEKS. The worst part? It's never the whole song is it? It's little pieces here and there!

So I've had Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" stuck in my head since oh, say FEBRUARY. This morning I caught myself singing rah rah ooh la la while getting coffee and thought to myself:

"OK, I KNOW I LIKE THIS SONG, BUT WHY CAN'T I GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD?"

NO idea. It's still there. I have no solution. I ask questions with no answers sometimes and you're gonna have to deal with it.

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But all this head-singing got me to thinking about what songs get in my head and really stick. Since you know how much I love lists, I bet you know what's coming next....

My top 50 stuck-in-head songs (other than Bad Romance, obviously). For the Top 10 click the song title to get the video:

• Chumbawumba, Tubthumping

• Beyonce, All the Single Ladies (which I hear is one of the greatest videos of ALL TIME! ALL TIME!)

• KT Tunstall, Suddenly I See

• Bloodhound Gang, Bad Touch

• Deep Blue Something, Breakfast at Tiffany's

• Aqua, Barbie Girl

• Ace of Base, The Sign

• Black Eyed Peas, My Humps

• Gwen Stefani, Hollaback Girl

• Lady GaGa, Poker Face

• Fergie, Fergalicious

• Spice Girls, Wannabe

• *Nsync, Bye Bye Bye

• Proclaimers, 500 Miles

• Fountains of Wayne, Stacy's Mom

• Def Leppard, Pour Some Sugar On Me

• ABBA, Dancing Queen

• Usher, YEAH

• The Beatles, Yellow Submarine

• Toto, Africa

• Flo Rida, Low

• The Village People, YMCA

• Baha Men, Who Let the Dogs Out?

• Nancy Sinatra, These Boots are Made for Walking

• Hanson, MMMBop

• Shaggy, It Wasn't Me

• Falco, Amadeus

• Right Said Fred, I'm Too Sexy

• Dexy's Midnight Runners, Come on Eileen

• Eddie Money, Two Tickets to Paradise

• Gloria Gaynor, I WIll Survive

• New Kids on the Block, The Right Stuff

• Rihanna, Umbrella

• Billy Ray Cyrus, Achy Breaky Heart

• Ke$ha, Tik Tok

• The Foundations, Build Me Up Buttercup

• Plain White T's, Hey There Delilah

• Charlie Daniels, The Devil Went Down to Georgia

• Britney Spears, Hit Me Baby One More Time

• Nickelback, Rockstar

• Tom Petty, Free Fallin'

• Timbaland & One Republic, Apologize

• Europe, The Final Countdown

• Nelly, Hot in Herre

• Alanis Morissette, Ironic

• Lou Bega, Mambo #5

• Sir Mix-A-Lot, Baby Got Back

• Starship, We Built This City

• Toni Basil, Mickey

• Jackson 5, ABC

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Oh yes, I know what I've just done. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You're welcome.

Drive me crazy

Once, just ONCE, I'd like to drive to work without having a near death experience. Every day I get in my car, pray I get to work safely, start it up, and spend the next 20 minutes honing my evasive maneuver skill set. Now, since I know there aren't THAT many drunk drivers on the road at 8:30 in the morning, I can only assume that this chaos is the result of good old-fashioned stupidity.

Allow me to break it down for you. Next time you are on the road, check your mirrors for:

The distracted driver

These people crane their neck at EVERYTHING. They will drift over into your lane at random, because their eyes are never on the road in front of them. Their speed is about as consistent as your golf game (and if you're honest with yourself, you'll know what I'm talking about). Heaven forbid one of these darling specimens of driving delinquency should see an accident - if that happens, look out! Expect brakes, neck-craning, and stay as far away from it as you possibly can.

The Barbie doll

Women who won't get up 10 minutes earlier so they have enough time to puff, gloss, lipstick and shellac their faces into place. I loathe these women. You know you've seen them - mascara tube in their steering hand, one eye in the rearview mirror, precariously yet carefully applying coat after coat to spidery lashes. Bonus points if she's on the phone too ...

The pace car

People who cruise exactly at or below the speed limit. These sweeties wouldn't bother me at all, if they stayed in the right lane, but alas they seem to prefer the passing lane. Usually, these folks have to be passed on the right, because they are oblivious to the fact that they are in the way. A lot of these people are old and tiny and can barely see over the steering wheel of their caddie. I say, if you can afford a $50,000 land yacht, you can afford a Civic and a driver. Your choice.

The butthead

This one is simple enough. Drivers who are constantly flicking cigarette butts and ash out the window. Bonus points if these lovely litterers drive a Hybrid car. Occasionally justice is served and the butt blows back into their car ... a little justice served by nature. Bravo.

The brake bozo

OOOOh. These are the WORST. They brake for EVERYTHING. Brake bozos will slam on the brakes every time they see an officer, whether they were speeding or not. They brake for other things too, and are responsible for rear-end accidents nationwide. Many times brake bozos are also....

The timid merger

I don't know who taught these idiots how to drive, but I was always told that when you're on a ramp approaching the highway, you get up to speed, find an opening in the traffic, and merge on over. Apparently some people are told to slam on brakes at the end of the ramp and come to a complete stop, then ease on over into 60mph+ traffic going 20-30mph. Bonus if they're so stressed out by having to (gasp!) merge onto the effing highway, they forget to signal.

The happy couple

Not really a hazard unless they're fooling around in the car, but for some reason I always want to ram them.

The soccer mom

Where do I start with this one? Whether it be a minivan, a giant SUV or a station wagon, the soccer mom is a force on the road and should be avoided at all cost. She's always fishing for something that has been dropped on the floor, detangling fighting kids in the backseat, or communicating with other soccer moms via ancient cell phone about I dunno, soccer mom stuff. She drives with "caution" meaning slow, timid, yet not entirely focused on the road, given the distractions she has inflicted on herself by breeding.

The weaver

It's called a blinker and it's been installed in your car for a reason. There is nothing worse than someone who thinks they can just float from lane to lane, sometimes even driving right down the middle without a single attempt at signaling.... and no, I don't count the middle finger as a signal.

The Heidi Montag

These are the people who are addicted to modifying their vehicles so they end up looking like musclebound, roaring hunks of gleaming paint and metal instead of cars. These people almost always have some douchey vanity plate like S0 ADRBL, GYMT1M3 or CHERLDR. Expect the drivers of these monstrosities to either be steroid pumping lego men, or tiny over-primped, over-tan blonde girls in skinny jeans and Gucci sunglasses. Take note - neither can drive nor park worth shit.

Ooooooh the list just can go on and on, can't it? I mean, you have people who insist on backing into spaces, no matter how irrelevant it is. There are folks who cut you off without warning because they just HAVE to get over 4 lanes RIGHT JUST NOW. Have you ever been stuck behind a car that was on it's last leg I dunno, like 10 years ago and is now held together by duct tape and prayer? Howabout someone who's taking their sweet time UNTIL you try to pass them?

Still think nothing on this list applies to you? We're all guilty of asshole behavior on the road at some point. You know as well as I do that you can't do any of this while driving and be fully focused on the road and what's going on around you:

• Talk on the phone

• Text, tweet or Facebook

• Write a grocery list

• Eat

• Fiddle with radio, iPod, etc.

• Discipline kids

Road rage? Guilty as charged. I'm not a perfect driver but I'm also not afraid to judge every other sunnofabitch on the road. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Chickflickitis

I make it no secret that relationships aren't my strong suit. In fact, most of my boyfriends have been a disaster. When I think about dating, my instincts lean towards nerves and anxiety, rather than the fairy tale. It's easier to see reasons why something won't work out than reasons why it will. I tend to find excuses to break things off with really great guys, instead of working out something that could be really good. Why? Because I've recently realized that somewhere along the line I decided that I'd be alone forever.

Well folks, since I've identified that sneaky little decision my brain made (without my permission mind you), things are gonna change. I have a reason for things to change.

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"Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this. Everything would be easy and uncomplicated; the way it was when we were young."

-The Way We Were

In many ways, movies tell it right. Yeah I said it...

Ok ok, I'll admit it isn't a perfect comparison - I mean, you've got to keep a movie within some sort of time constraint, so there's a lot that gets left out, but isn't every meeting a chance meeting? You have attraction, chemistry, etc etc until a relationship is formed, then there is some sort of obstacle that must be overcome, against the odds. It's the quintessential lovey-dovey chick flick formula.

But how far off is it really?

"Life is full of interruptions and complications."

-Love Actually

People in movies take chances because it's in the script. If they didn't end up together at the end, the audience would be pissed. So when you go into one of these chick flick type movies you expect the formula, and you expect it to work out.... am I right? You WANT it to work out.

I realize that real life is infinitely harder and the stakes are much, much higher, but the general idea is the same. Every couple has a story about how they met. Every pair of people on the entire planet met by chance at some point, and those couples who stay together do it against the odds. Nothing begins on purpose, right?

"I want the fairy tale."

"So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?"
"She rescues him right back."

-Pretty Woman

Someone said to me recently that sometimes a little cheese is appropriate. I think so too, so from now on I'm going to focus less on seeing obstacles and more on seeing the magic... because magic is something I will work for.

I don't think it's out of the question to want the fairy tale ... but I do think it's unreasonable to expect it to be easy to keep once you find it.

"Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

-Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs' (I know, not from a chick flick but I like that quote and it's relevant)

I know from experience that it is easy to fall in love, but hard to stay there. It takes a lot of effort and time and compromise and reciprocity. It takes WORK.

"If somebody doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

-Pretty in Pink

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Movies are easy and life is hard.... but you have to ask yourself, which is more worthwhile? A relationship you can live through vicariously for 2 hours, or one that with a little effort, you can have for the rest of your life? I know what I will pick, given the chance....

Beginning, here I come.