Drive me crazy

Once, just ONCE, I'd like to drive to work without having a near death experience. Every day I get in my car, pray I get to work safely, start it up, and spend the next 20 minutes honing my evasive maneuver skill set. Now, since I know there aren't THAT many drunk drivers on the road at 8:30 in the morning, I can only assume that this chaos is the result of good old-fashioned stupidity.

Allow me to break it down for you. Next time you are on the road, check your mirrors for:

The distracted driver

These people crane their neck at EVERYTHING. They will drift over into your lane at random, because their eyes are never on the road in front of them. Their speed is about as consistent as your golf game (and if you're honest with yourself, you'll know what I'm talking about). Heaven forbid one of these darling specimens of driving delinquency should see an accident - if that happens, look out! Expect brakes, neck-craning, and stay as far away from it as you possibly can.

The Barbie doll

Women who won't get up 10 minutes earlier so they have enough time to puff, gloss, lipstick and shellac their faces into place. I loathe these women. You know you've seen them - mascara tube in their steering hand, one eye in the rearview mirror, precariously yet carefully applying coat after coat to spidery lashes. Bonus points if she's on the phone too ...

The pace car

People who cruise exactly at or below the speed limit. These sweeties wouldn't bother me at all, if they stayed in the right lane, but alas they seem to prefer the passing lane. Usually, these folks have to be passed on the right, because they are oblivious to the fact that they are in the way. A lot of these people are old and tiny and can barely see over the steering wheel of their caddie. I say, if you can afford a $50,000 land yacht, you can afford a Civic and a driver. Your choice.

The butthead

This one is simple enough. Drivers who are constantly flicking cigarette butts and ash out the window. Bonus points if these lovely litterers drive a Hybrid car. Occasionally justice is served and the butt blows back into their car ... a little justice served by nature. Bravo.

The brake bozo

OOOOh. These are the WORST. They brake for EVERYTHING. Brake bozos will slam on the brakes every time they see an officer, whether they were speeding or not. They brake for other things too, and are responsible for rear-end accidents nationwide. Many times brake bozos are also....

The timid merger

I don't know who taught these idiots how to drive, but I was always told that when you're on a ramp approaching the highway, you get up to speed, find an opening in the traffic, and merge on over. Apparently some people are told to slam on brakes at the end of the ramp and come to a complete stop, then ease on over into 60mph+ traffic going 20-30mph. Bonus if they're so stressed out by having to (gasp!) merge onto the effing highway, they forget to signal.

The happy couple

Not really a hazard unless they're fooling around in the car, but for some reason I always want to ram them.

The soccer mom

Where do I start with this one? Whether it be a minivan, a giant SUV or a station wagon, the soccer mom is a force on the road and should be avoided at all cost. She's always fishing for something that has been dropped on the floor, detangling fighting kids in the backseat, or communicating with other soccer moms via ancient cell phone about I dunno, soccer mom stuff. She drives with "caution" meaning slow, timid, yet not entirely focused on the road, given the distractions she has inflicted on herself by breeding.

The weaver

It's called a blinker and it's been installed in your car for a reason. There is nothing worse than someone who thinks they can just float from lane to lane, sometimes even driving right down the middle without a single attempt at signaling.... and no, I don't count the middle finger as a signal.

The Heidi Montag

These are the people who are addicted to modifying their vehicles so they end up looking like musclebound, roaring hunks of gleaming paint and metal instead of cars. These people almost always have some douchey vanity plate like S0 ADRBL, GYMT1M3 or CHERLDR. Expect the drivers of these monstrosities to either be steroid pumping lego men, or tiny over-primped, over-tan blonde girls in skinny jeans and Gucci sunglasses. Take note - neither can drive nor park worth shit.

Ooooooh the list just can go on and on, can't it? I mean, you have people who insist on backing into spaces, no matter how irrelevant it is. There are folks who cut you off without warning because they just HAVE to get over 4 lanes RIGHT JUST NOW. Have you ever been stuck behind a car that was on it's last leg I dunno, like 10 years ago and is now held together by duct tape and prayer? Howabout someone who's taking their sweet time UNTIL you try to pass them?

Still think nothing on this list applies to you? We're all guilty of asshole behavior on the road at some point. You know as well as I do that you can't do any of this while driving and be fully focused on the road and what's going on around you:

• Talk on the phone

• Text, tweet or Facebook

• Write a grocery list

• Eat

• Fiddle with radio, iPod, etc.

• Discipline kids

Road rage? Guilty as charged. I'm not a perfect driver but I'm also not afraid to judge every other sunnofabitch on the road. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.