Mommywood

So... we are fast approaching what I consider one of the most stress-filled holidays of the year, Mother's Day. Now, I should probably be clear up front that I love the idea of a day that celebrates mothers and all they have done for us, their spawn. I want to make it clear that I in no way want to diminish the importance of motherhood, or how much work and sacrifice and love good parents give.

But this particular post isn't about that. In fact, I wasn't really sure when I decided to write a Mother's Day post what direction I would take it in. So I started with one of the most obvious sources of inspiration.....

Urban Dictionary.

So my search produced 28 pages of entries, which offered almost as much inspirational focus as a Jackson Pollack painting. Back to square one.

What about "yo momma" jokes? Eh, I dunno. Those things get a little too much use, don't you think?
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Then it hit me. The reasons behind why I get so stressed out around this holiday come down to expectations. My mom likes attention and she likes stuff. Last year, my biggest Mother's day fear was realized, when my mom threw a full-blown tantrum complete with crying fit because we didn't make her feel special enough. Nevermind that I blew off work, showed up with armloads of flowers and presents and waited on her hand and foot all day. She was angry because I didn't cook for her too. Seriously? NO WONDER I can't think of anything to write. As much as I love and respect my mom, enough is enough.

Since I can't flat out tell my mom to stop being crazy (well I could, but I suspect it would be the last thing I ever did), I'm doing my best to accept the way she is. OBVIOUSLY she doesn't realize that I'd be eager to cater to her every whim on "her day" if I didn't feel like I was forced.

My mom is an extreme case, but you KNOW that the general sentiment of "this is my day" is common between mothers everywhere. They may say they just want a hug, but read between the lines baby, a hug just won't cut it.

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I am lucky though. There have been a lot of mothers in the news in recent years, many of which earned their celebrity status solely through bad parenting! At least I can't claim any of these stellar specimens of motherhood as my own:

Kate Gosselin

Gosh Kate, I really wish you'd stop complaining about what a burden it is to be a tv star... on reality shows. Remember your 8 kids didn't suddenly go away when you got new hair. But at least I can thank you for showing me what it would look like if a zombie danced the foxtrot on NyQuil and quaaludes. I really look forward to the day when I DON'T see your dead-behind-the-eyes grin on every newsstand I pass.... because I'd really like to be able to buy milk without seeing how you are "fighting back" or something stupid like that. You aren't fighting anything but responsible parenting. See you on "Celebrity Fit Club" in a couple of years.

Dina Lohan

Just what everyone needs, a mom who still thinks she's a teenager. Tell me, how is letting 24 year olds do tequila shots off your boobs helping your daughter NOT slowly kill herself with hard living? Not to mention she's the stage mom from hell...

Octomom

I didn't know stupidity and fertility drugs could make you famous.... oh wait. You aren't anymore. Go do yourself a favor and be in that porno... it's the only career opportunity you're going to get sweetie. I guess there is something morbidly fascinating about a human clown car, but there is only so much you can do with that. Also, please learn the difference between fertility drugs and M&Ms.

Courtney Love

OK, if you don't know why Courtney Love is one of the worst moms ever, I'm not sure what to tell you.

Kendra

I have to admit that I have no idea what her parenting skills are like, I just know she's dumb as a rock and more irritating than Bobcat Goldthwait on helium.... kinda the same way I feel about Tori Spelling. At least Kendra hasn't written book after narcissistic book about being a mom. Ugh.

Britney Spears

I'm wondering if Britney's kids got her a carton of cigarettes for Mother's day. This girl is the poster child for being a bad mother - you name it, she's done it. In fact, I could cite the whole Spears clan for shitty mothering skills.... I mean her sister had a baby at what, 16? And I guess their mother should probably be held responsible for how both girls turned out. Shame on you, Spears women. Please stop breeding!

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So gone are the days when a macaroni necklace and a card will make her happy. Do what you gotta do, and remember, it will be Monday soon.