Mood killers

So I've been seeing Valentine's day stuff all over the place pretty much since Christmas ended. I don't really understand it. No man I know is going to go out at the beginning of January searching for a Valentine's gift, and no woman I know is going to get her man anything Valentines-themed. So why am I being punched in the face by this kitsch as soon as I walk through the doors of any store in this city? I mean, nothing says "I waited until the last minute and got you something on the way home from work today" like a teddy bear from CVS or some gas station roses.

Ok, ok. I have accepted the fact that I will have no Valentine this year, other than myself. If you think this will stop me from judging people who do have Valentines and are getting stuff for them you are mistaken. Big time.

But today, after nearly punching out a singing teddy bear on the shelves of the nearby CVS, I felt a wave of pity for the poor girl who is going to receive said bear on February 14. Because guys, no one between the ages of 11 and 78 wants a drug store teddy bear. Sorry to burst your bubble. So while I was standing there in the aisle, watching a bouncing, satin heart-wielding teddy bear belt out Elvis' All Shook Up, I started to wonder, what Valentine's day gifts are lamer than this.

I did some Googling, and have come up with a list of stuff that is worse than the last minute teddy bear or flowers or heart-shaped box of Russell Stover sampler. Here you go:

• Any jewelry in a ring-shaped box that is not THE RING is just cruel. You know it is. If it's heart-shaped, even worse. Valentine's Day is not the day to make your girl cry, ok? If you want to have any hope of getting her "in the mood" later you won't do this.

• Sugar-free chocolate. Personally, I don't like getting chocolate much anyway. Some girls do though, but it better be sugary goodness unless you are certain she's a diabetic.

• The double toilet. I can't believe something like this came up in my search. I think I can safely say I will NEVER be comfortable enough with someone to take a dump in front of them. Amazing. What's next? You gonna share magazines too? Keep a little mystery, folks.

• Self-help books. If I have to explain to you why this is a bad idea, you are an idiot. Please don't read my blog anymore. It will make you cry.

• A scale or any type of fitness equipment. Also a no-brainer. Never EVER tell your significant other he or she is fat.

• Elephant poo paper roses. No, I can't believe this exists either. It's gross and weird - just get her real ones.

• Carnations. Carnations suck.

• Jewelry made from your own bones. Yeah, I'm not kidding about this. There's a lab in the UK that can grow another bone using tissue you provide (as in, a bone sample - because we all have those lying around right?). It's all very Van Gogh, but a small price to pay in the name of love, right?

• The boyfriend pillow. She won't be fooled guys.

And the worst, worst, WORST Valentine gift the internet has to offer?

• Chastity belt lingerie. Yes that's right. First of all, it looks like something that was co-designed by Bret Michaels and Jabba the Hutt - I mean, what are those, wings? If I put this on, can I fly? Also, what is that clipped to the side? a beeper? No ladies, that is a GPS tracking system that a man can program and keep track of his girl.

Because all of us wear stuff like that under our clothes every day. Riiiiight.

Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday. If you celebrate it, that's great. If not, that's fine too. If you do decide to do the Valentine's thing and get your sweetie a little something, I'd say keep it simple and avoid the cliches. Steer clear of stuff that doesn't mean anything, or says "I figured I HAD to get you something so I stopped on the way home."

What am I going to miss about hanging out on this year's February 14th by myself? Spending time with someone I'm close to and who I care about. Having a romantic evening doesn't have to involve obligatory gifts or fluff. If anything, this is a day to show your significant other why you picked them, and why you are so happy they picked you.

(ps guys, if you are dating a slutty girl or a stripper, you should totally get her this)