I will never be an adult in the eyes of my parents. Their concept of me in 28 years has never changed - they insist that I don't know what is in my best interest when it comes to guys or housing or my job. I still get my language corrected and lectured on what kind of impression I leave on people. I mean SERIOUSLY? and they still wonder why I don't like coming home to visit..... Why would I voluntarily walk into that kind of attack?
It's PAINFUL. It's like dealing with bullies, you know? 5 years ago I went to the Honda dealer to look at buying the car I'd been leasing. I made the mistake of taking my dad, and drove off the lot in a brand new Civic I couldn't afford. Why? he put on more pressure than the salesman for me to buy a new car and I caved. I regretted it for all 5 years of payments, because I really couldn't afford them at all. I ended up putting some payments on my credit card (along with other bills) because I couldn't afford them. Now my credit card debt is pretty high and I'm having a hard time paying it down.
When anyone thinks they know what I should be doing or how I should be living better than I do, it upsets me. It either makes me feel like a failure, or it makes me feel like they don't know me... and instead of getting to know me they just attack attack attack... It's hard to feel that way about someone who raised me.
I know I'm judged more often than I'm understood. Want some examples? I spent the weekend at home helping out my mom while she was sick, so here's some of the advice I received:
• Go to church. You'll meet a nice christian man and church to marry. Because that is what you want. To get married and have babies and stay at home with them.
• Buy a house. You haven't bought one yet because you are lazy. You really want a house.
• Get a new job. You really need to do this. You hate your job and they don't appreciate you or pay you enough. You work too hard and too many hours and you're never going to move forward there.
• You really need to think about the impression you leave. You don't really like violent movies or anything with sex or bad words. That's not what you like. You don't like music that's a bad influence, loud or with dirty language, or people with tattoos or piercings. Think about what liking that stuff says about you.
• Maybe you should consider lowering your standards so you can get a boyfriend. Or maybe you are alone because your friends are the wrong kind of people and you are meeting the wrong kind of men.
-----
Ok, so I know this "advice" isn't coming from a malicious place. My parents are very conservative and in a lot of ways their world is very small. They think they are helping. What they need to realize is, I'm doing things for my life on my own time. Just because I complain about my job once in a while doesn't mean I hate it and want a new one. In fact, most days I love my job. Telling me what I do or don't like is condescending, and more often than not, WRONG. I make no apologies for my taste in movies, music, friends or men. It's insulting to me that my parents think I haven't thought about buying a house or finding someone special. It's insulting that they don't seem to think my timing is good enough.
I know I'm not the only what who deals with this type of thing from parents. Parents want their kids to be perfect, whatever their idea of perfection happens to be. For mine, it means happily married with a high-paying job and a house. Go to church every Sunday, and make plans to have children and maybe have a golden retriever....
I can't be the daughter of their dreams. If I were that person, I just wouldn't be happy. I know they haven't considered that maybe I don't want to own a house right now - it's not laziness, just practicality. I don't want to make the same mistake I made by buying that car I couldn't afford, but on a much bigger scale. That would be financially irresponsible. I've thought about it and looked into it, but the bottom line is that I don't want to live outside my means.... it could get me into a lot of trouble financially.
-----
Sometimes the people who know you best can help resolve things in your life that aren't going quite right. They can occasionally sense a problem before you even realize the potential for one, and offer solutions that can be lifesaving. It's one of the reasons that friends and family are so important - we need that network of support and insight, and sometimes need another point of view to gain perspective .....
.... but when I say sometimes, I mean it. If I need help, I'm going to ask for it.
People like to offer advice, because we like to think we have control, and answers. But unsolicited advice can be one of the most infuriating, demeaning and condescending things out there. None of us are perfect, and we don't need people breathing down our necks telling us how they think we are going wrong.
When my parents offer advice, sometimes I do have to shrug it off. Unsolicited advice from my parents comes from a place of love, so it helps to repeat that inside my head while I'm getting berated. Finally, the bottom line is that I don't have to use the advice, just tolerate it.
-----
I like to think I'm close with my family, especially my parents. It's frustrating to realize over and over that in many ways they want to keep an illusion of who I am rather than a reality. But all I have to remember to survive it is that they want what's best for me, even if it's a little misguided.
No comments:
Post a Comment