Ladies and gentlemen, I have a flat ass. Seriously, it's like a pancake. Also, I have enormous wide hips, cellulite and can't wear those super low jeans because there's a little roll on the side of my hips that hangs over.
Am I overweight? Nope. Not at all. But when I look in the mirror I do see a lot of room for improvement in my body. To me, a number on the scale does not mean health. What I've started to realize is that I'm going to have to bump up my daily physical activity if I want to look and feel better for myself. I may look healthy, but I have no muscle tone, and just about every inch of my body jiggles. Folks, it's time for a lifestyle makeover! I don't want my lack of activity to catch up with me as I get older and my metabolism slows down. I want to get into the habit of working fitness into my daily lifestyle so I stay healthy for a long time.
Plus it wouldn't hurt to look smokin' hot naked.
You can hide a lot with clothes. A wide belt or a tunic top can disguise jean overhang, heels can be a Wonderbra for your ass and elongate your legs... and then there are wonderful products like Spanx that let you live a complete lie. Believe me, I have the super-reinforced booty smoothing, tummy sucking thigh slimming super Spanx.
It's a hell of a lot easier to shimmy into reinforced spandex than it is to sweat to your ipod on a StairMaster 4 to 5 days a week, but at the end of the day I'd rather tell those nasty booty dimples to f*ck off permanently, wouldn't you?
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Step #1: Join a gym. Oh yeah, no brainer. I found one with a membership special that won't break the bank, and it's really close to the office so I don't have any excuses not to go.
Step #2: Get my cellulite-dimpled pancake ass into the gym. This part was easy.... the first day. I found out quickly that the only thing I really feel comfortable doing in there is running on the elliptical machine. Also, I have very few workout clothes that don't look like they've been chewed by wild animals. Ugh. I need help here.
Step #3: Buy new workout gear. Marshall's is the most glorious place on Earth. I hope my new Average Joe's t-shirt helps me reach a new level in my workouts. Yes, I resisted the sparkly leg warmers and matching sweat bands... sooooo Olivia Newton-John. Sigh.
Step #4: Get a trainer. Heck yeah I got a trainer. I fail at the gym harder than Whitney Houston fails at staying clean. Left to my own devices here, I will not succeed in my mission of fitness.
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So today was my first meeting with my new trainer. She seems pretty cool for someone who's about to kick my ass on a regular basis for the next year. Also, she's about half my size - that's not a fat vs fit joke either... she literally comes up to my boob. We look a bit like Shrek and Donkey.
I'm already hurting too, and I can't lift my arms. Tomorrow is gonna be an Advil day I'm sure. Also a cheeseburger day. My spidey sense is telling me I'm going to need a cheeseburger tomorrow.
Stay tuned for progress reports. I'm pretty excited about the new me, and I can't wait to see some results.
But if it doesn't work I'm going to have to take more drastic measures with my undergarments.
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