Back in the DAY

Yeah I said it. I recently realized that like good cheese, I have aged. With age comes the right to use phrases like "back in the day" with pride and panache. I plan to maximize on this starting right... now.

You see, my "day" was a lot different from the way things are now. We had one TV in my house. ONE. It had a 13" screen, a pull knob and stylish woodgrain casing. We had no cable. Whenever we wanted to watch a movie, we rented the VCR along with it. We had phones that were attached to the wall with a curly cord, and people used it to TALK, not type in some kind of freak shorthand that I still cant understand LOL.

Back then, cartoons were GOOD. Yeah I said it. None of this 3-d computer animation bullshit. Talented people drew them. Heck yeah. We had He-Man and She-Ra, and by the power of Grayskull, I had the power! We had Inspector Gadget, Transformers, the Smurfs and my favorite, Thunder Cats! Back then, movies like Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Terminator 2 were revolutionary. I had a crush on Zack Morris, and tried to copy Lisa Turtle's style. That's right, big sleeves and big hair.

Arnold wasn't the governor of anything but awesomeness. I wanted to live at Fraggle Rock, and learn to "wax on, wax off" with Mr. Miyagi.

I had a Bedazzler. I bedazzled the shit out of everything I owned, then took it to another level with neon puff paint and glitter pens. We're talking jackets, hats, shoes, backpack .... anything I could get ahold of. I was AWESOME at pinball. My brother and I could build a lego city or a bedsheet fort that would blow your mind. In fact, we voluntarily chose play over TV......

Wheeeeew.... gotta catch my breath.

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So kids these days just don't understand what they are missing. Maybe it's because I didn't have access to a computer until I was 16 (dial-up internet connection too thankyouverymuch). Maybe it's because I would still pick Legos over surfing the 'Net. Maybe it's because I'm old...

But I feel the need to school you young punk kids on a couple of things. Here goes:

• Don't pick up a Bon Jovi t-shirt at a thrift store and call it "vintage." They've only been around since 1983. You're the one who hasn't been around that long. In fact, vintage style includes nothing from the 80s.

• Computer animation is not a cartoon. It is its own category. Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. Jimmy Neutron is not.

• Texting is not typing. Learn to spell and get some grammar in your life. Please. Trust me, you'll need it someday when someone like me is interviewing you for a job.

• Duran Duran is not "dinosaur rock."

• Finally, my car is bigger than your skateboard, and you are not invincible.

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Ok, it's time for me to go back to my easy chair and snifter of aged scotch. I'll probably drift off to sleep muttering the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song ... I'm sure tonight I'll dream of that simpler time back in the day, when slap bracelets were cool and there were only three Star Wars movies.....

And oh yeah, Michael Jackson was black. Boo-yah.