The new me

2008 was a year of tragedy for me and my family, but also a year of hope. We found strength in each other, as we held on to hope and faith. I remember crying a lot. I remember seeing helpless tears roll down the faces of the people I love most in this world - and wishing there was something I could do besides pray about what was happening. I had the worst day of my life three or four times in a matter of weeks.

In 2008 my family also saw miracles that came out of those hard times. We all changed and grew, and for reasons only God understands, most of us survived to see 2009.... against incredible odds.

Fun right?

Well, 2009 was much different. First of all, it was happy. It was fun to date someone and get close to him, and I was so happy in the relationship for most of the year. I learned how to be around someone else, how to compromise schedules, and I really really enjoyed having someone to cook for. Also, with the exception of a few economy-related glitches, my job was going very well and I was feeling confident and satisfied there too. I guess you could say for most of this year, I was in a nice safe warm bubble, thinking only about how lucky and happy I was. If anything brought me down, I had someone to lean on ...

Except that I didn't. The relationship ended very abruptly, which broke my heart and threw me into turmoil. I didn't get a promotion that I wanted very badly, and for a while it felt like my happy year had fallen apart....

Well, maybe it did. Looking back, I know it needed to happen. The guy I was dating had really ended the relationship long before, and was keeping me around to amuse him when he didn't have anything else going on. Also, no matter how I felt about that promotion going to someone else, I can't let it affect my attitude or the quality of my work. All I can say is, these two events began a new chapter in my life. Were they tragedies like in 2008? nope.... not even close... why get all hung up? Well ...

Here I am, determined to finish this year on an even higher note than it started on. There's no such thing as no regrets, and that's fine with me.

----

I think that sometimes when things end or don't go exactly as I plan, there is a reason. I still go to work and sometimes think "I can't believe they pay me to do this" which means I'm probably in the right place right now ... and no matter what title I have, I know I'm a valuable member of a team of amazing people.

As for love, well my favorite quote about love is actually from the movie "Playing By Heart" which is a chick flick pretty much nobody saw, despite it's all star cast. Sean Connery's character explains love to his wife, and it's one of those things that popped into my head as I went through my big breakup:

"The wonderful thing about falling in love is you learn everything about that person and so quickly. And if it's true love, then you start to see yourself through their eyes. And it brings out the best in you. It's almost as if you're falling in love with yourself."

I think it's safe to say that the guy I thought I was so in love with did not bring out the best in me... not even close. He did teach me something valuable though - not to compromise on what I want. I mean, I know I'm not going to get the fairy tale, but I do need someone who not only makes my heart beat faster, but will compliment me and motivate me to be a better, stronger person.

----

There is no point in going through something if you don't learn from it. I learned, and I'm different now. I learned this year that I can't always have what I want when I want it. Looking at the big picture, I have to trust that things happen for a reason, and my time is coming. What else? Well I'm happy that I'm not with someone who doesn't appreciate or deserve me. I'm happy and thankful to be employed, and I have a great support system all around me in family and friends.

So here's the new me. I'm stronger, and less willing to compromise on anything thats important to me, just for the sake of keeping some guy around. I'm thankful for what I have. I'm motivated to work on myself, enjoy being single, and love my life. I'll take the lessons learned in my failed relationship and apply them to a new, healthier, and better relationship. In short, I'm ending 2009 a better me, and starting 2010 with hope and enthusiasm.