Ok, I'm 28 years old, single, and starting to think that so many unattached guys my age are that way because they have no idea how to treat a girl. So, because I really really hate going on bad, sometimes painful dates one after the other, I'm going to give some tips. I'm over it guys, you need to figure out what your attached brethren already know about the fairer sex and what we do and do not respond to. (Yes, I see the double standard - I'm single, yet giving the other party advice. Don't read this if that bothers you, because I'm not holding back on this post. If you have a problem, get your own blog and tell me all about it.)
Since college, I've been on a lot of awful first dates and very few good ones. What makes a good first date? Well I've been thinking about it, and have decided that the tone of a date is set before it even happens, with the initial approach and meeting - and goes from there.
Part #1: the approach
To start this off I want to say, please please please don't hit on me. Don't give me a cheesy line, compliment ANY body part or touch me before you get some sign back that I am interested. Don't assume that buying me a drink means I owe you anything. Also, if you are wasted, wrinkled or smell bad, just go ahead and know beyond the shadow of a doubt that it won't work, and I will try and escape your presence as quickly as possible. Staring from afar also makes you look like a crazy person, as does winking. Staring up close? even worse.
What will work is very simple, ok? All you need to do is start a real conversation. If I think a guy is talking to me because he wants to know what I have to say, I'll stick around and chat. I have to form some kind of connection with a guy that's about more than just physical attraction, even right off the bat. I won't want to see you again if i think all you want is sex...end of story. I have to feel comfortable with a guy, and in order for that to happen he has to be comfortable and confident around me. I have to feel respected.
So how do you know if I'm into you? Well, if I seem interested in what you are saying, I probably am. If I'm looking over your shoulder or around the room, or if little things are distracting me you might want to move along. If I'm leaning away or inching backwards, that's not a good sign either. Simple body language can tell you a lot. When you first meet me, it's pretty easy to see if I want to stick around and hang out with you or not. Just pay attention. Also if you ask for my number and I give you a business card, I'm probably not into you actually calling me - I've found a business card to be a pretty good deterrent, even though it has my real number on it. If I write it on a napkin or have you put it in your phone, then call me!
Part #2: The follow-up
Just call me - it's pretty simple. Don't text or email if it's a first date, you need to grow a pair and make a real phone call.... and none of this waiting three days or whatever. That is a stupid rule. If you want to talk to me, then call me - no need to wait. I can potentially meet someone new in three days, and then you'll have missed your chance. If you wait longer than that, then I'll just assume you called out of boredom or I'm not your first choice to hang out with.
Part #3: the first date
I know this sounds bitchy, but on a first date, don't EVER assume that you are "in" or that I am impressed. In fact, for the first several dates while I am trying to get to know you, you are on trial. It may not be a completely fair system, but I don't want anybody wasting my time. If you just want to date a pretty girl, go find a different one. I'm looking for a relationship, so the second I see that a guy isn't right for me, I'm going to move on.
Ok, let's start with do list. Most of these seem really intuitive, but they are all based on personal first date experiences I've had, so ...
• Open all doors, including car doors. It's just common courtesy and polite. It shows you are attentive and a gentleman.
• Put your phone on vibrate, and expect me to do the same. If you are expecting an important call, let me know at the beginning of the date.
• Shower and clean up before the date. I don't care if you are taking me to a cave, you've got to smell good. I once went out with a guy who confessed to me halfway through the meal that he hadn't washed his hair in weeks. That is gross. If you gross me out, I'm gone.
• Pick me up. It shows you are willing to go out of your way for me and happy to do it.
• Be on time. I should repeat this one. BE. ON. TIME. I mean, stuff happens sometimes - and just call if it does, but if at all possible show up on time for a first date.
• Plan what you want to do ahead of time. If we show up to a restaurant and have to wait an hour for a table, we might have to rush through dinner in order to make movie times, or miss whatever we were gonna do next altogether. Also, if we don't know each other very well, our conversation standing outside a crowded restaurant for an hour would be strained. You get bonus points if you ask what kind of food I like ahead of time and plan accordingly.
• Pay for the meal. Ok, this is a first date. I don't care what the price range of the restaurant is, so just go with your budget and what you can afford. That's why you pick the place, not me - but you asked me out to dinner. I will offer to help with the check, but if you take me up on it or make a big deal out of paying, I'm going to think you're either cheap, have no class or are not that into me.
Now the don'ts.
• Don't talk about your exes, or ask about mine. I don't want to hear about her.
• Don't ask me for my student i.d. to get cheap movie tickets. I'm almost 30 and not a doctor. I don't still have an effing student i.d. If you are my age and gainfully employed, suck it up and pay full price for a couple of movie tickets. I realize we are all pinching our pennies these days, but we'll find ways to cheat the system later on if this thing between us goes somewhere, ok?
• Don't expect me to invite you into my place when you drop me off. I'm not going to on a first date.
• Don't expect me to walk through grass or jump puddles. Note the footwear - not usually all-terrain friendly.
• Don't make decisions or speak for me. I order for myself, got it?
• Don't comment on the hotness of any other nearby women. Ever.
• Don't get drunk. I'm not going to, it just makes you look sloppy. Plus, you're driving, remember?
• Don't touch me unless I touch you first. I may not be that into you, but more than likely I'm just not that comfortable with you yet and need to get to know you a bit better before I start with physical contact.
• Don't fill every second with stories that are meant to impress me. Name-dropping, college drunken escapades, pranks, etc. usually don't make good first date stories, and make you look like you are desperate for some sort of coolness validation and are trying too hard. Either that or you are somehow trying to hold on to that careless time in your life a little too hard. Talking my ear off is just going to end up being annoying. I want to get to know who you are now, not who you were in college. If you are still acting like a college guy, I'm not going to be impressed. At all.
First dates are tricky for both sides. I always try and act like I'm having a good time, because I like to give a guy the benefit of doubt. I know it is easier said than done, but all I want from a guy is for him to be himself ... it gets us both through the bullshit faster. If you are trying to impress me, you probably won't succeed. If you relax and show me who you really are and what makes you tick - if you are confident and respectful, that is very sexy.
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At first, it can be really easy to scare me off. A first date is where we both decided if a connection is real, so we each put the other through a series of tests whether we realize it or not. I know I want to make the most honest first impression I possibly can, so you feel like you are really getting to know me - and I want the same from you.
But like I said, with me it starts with the approach. As Wayne Gretzky said, "You miss 100% of the shots you never take." We may not be right for each other, but neither of us will ever know unless one of us makes a move to get to know the other a bit better. I realize this post was a bit harsh, and believe me, I make way too many dating mistakes for my own good .... hmmmmm maybe to make it fair I'll address those mistakes in another post......
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