The Holiday for the Rest of Us

Frank Costanza: "Many Christmases ago, I went to buy a doll for my son. I reached for the last one they had, but so did another man. As I rained blows upon him, I realized there had to be another way."

Cosmo Kramer: "What happened to the doll?"

Frank Costanza: "It was destroyed. But out of that a new holiday was born: a Festivus for the rest of us!"

Kramer: "That must have been some doll."

Frank Costanza: "She was."

Watch the complete story of Festivus HERE.

That's right folks, in case you have forgotten, today is Festivus! And let me tell you, I'm a fan. So get out your aluminum pole and let's start with the airing of grievances. Here are some of mine:

First of all, I don't like that this time of year is all about shopping and presents and STUFF. I mean, Christmas is supposed to be about the birth of Christ, but I get so distracted by those dancing GAP commercials that I forget all about little eight pound, six ounce, newborn baby Jesus. In fact, why is it that by the time Christmas finally rolls around, I feel like Jesus will hate me if I haven't spent hundreds of dollars buying the crap these obnoxious commercials are peddling?

Second, why is it that people in this city lose their mind as soon as they get behind the wheel? I have to drive in this crap traffic every day of my life and just ONCE I'd like to arrive at my destination without having a near death experience. Nevermind if it's drizzling or worse out ... people need to pull their fat little heads out of their fat little asses and learn to operate a vehicle before I buy a tank and start just mowing over them.

The media needs to quit making stars out of assholes like John & Kate, the ballon kid family, octomom, and anybody named Palin who didn't run for vice president (and yes, I'm including that boy-skank Levi Johnston). I mean, the Johnston didn't even SHOW his Johnston in Playgirl (but we heard about it anyway.... a LOT), and I STILL can't buy groceries without seeing Kate's stupid haircut.

What else pissed me off this year?

• Cash for Clunkers

• My credit limit cut in HALF without warning, thus affecting my credit score

• Brett Favre cried on TV AGAIN and then signed with the Packers' biggest rival

• There are too many calories in EVERYTHING I like to eat

• Family Guy started being nearly unwatchable

• My gym closed

• My favorite bar closed

• The economy SUCKS, but companies that were granted bailout money spent it on retreats and raises instead of hiring people

• Car commercials shout at me

• I dated a guy for almost a year who didn't so much as get me a card on my birthday

ooooh I guess that's enough grievances. In writing I look a lot more of a bitter barbie than I actually am... so what's next?

Cosmo Kramer: "And is there a tree?"

Frank Costanza: "No, instead, there's a pole. It requires no decoration. I find tinsel distracting."

Frank Costanza: "It's made from aluminum. Very high strength-to-weight ratio."

No, I don't have a pole of any sort at my place. Sorry. I also wasn't able to wrestle the head of the household to the ground... because well, it's me. So for this part of my Festivus celebration I just fell over and rolled around a little on the floor, Tyler Durden style.

Jerry Seinfeld: "And wasn't there a Feats of Strength that always ended up with you crying?"

George Costanza: "I can't take it anymore! I'm going to work! Are you happy now?!"

Frank Costanza: "I've brought one of the cassette tapes."

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "Read that poem."

George Costanza (on a tape recorder): "I can't read it, I need my glasses."

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "You don't need glasses! You're just weak, weak!"

Estelle Costanza (on a tape recorder): (shouts) "Leave him alone!"

Frank Costanza (on a tape recorder): "All right, George. It's time for the Festivus Feats of Strength!"

George Costanza: "No! No! Turn it off! No Feats of Strength! I hate Festivus!"

Frank Costanza: "We had some good times."

Finally, there is the matter of Festivus miracles. Since my day has only just begun, the jury is still out.

So, happy Festivus everyone! and remember, Festivus yes! Bagels no!

Hallelujah holy sh*t.... where's the Tylenol?