Wednesday, December 25, 2013

The worst Christmas movie ever.

Seriously. Like, ever.

Chick flicks can be ass-numbingly stupid. So can Christmas movies. These are facts. So if I'm blogging and calling it the worst ever, we've hit the jackpot. We've hit the perfect storm of bad decisions, annoying characters and ridiculous serendipity. Know how some movies are so bad they loop around back to good? Well, this one lapped itself back to awful.

Also I have no idea what it was called, so good luck not accidentally watching it. Sorry about that.

So here's the rundown. 

Girl is engaged to rich, distant guy. 

Girl is going to guy's parents' house for Christmas, and she's never met them.

Hot, charming guy spills coffee on girl at airport and ruins her phone. Dumbass should have had that shit in an Otterbox….smartphones don't just grow on trees you know.

Guy overhears girl telling someone who she's going to go see or something (I dunno I left the room to get a beer) and says "hey! that's my brother! I'll drive you!"

Girl is all "sure! I'll get in the car with you, strange person! what luck my fiancé is your brother!"

Girl ends up baking cookies and crap at the wrong house which would be HILARIOUS if it wasn't SO DUMB. Because if this had been real life she'd have been SO murdered by now.

So the dude she's supposedly engaged to comes in and everyone is all "OMIGOSH!" Because it's the wrong person.

Shit gets sorted out, fiancé gets girl and takes her to HIS house where SURPRISE! His family is awful and the house looks like a damn museum.


Late in the night, a flashlight shines into girl's window. It's hot charming guy! He has STALKED HER TO THE HOUSE SHE'S STAYING IN AND IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. So of course she decides to go for a walk with him on a deserted yet oddly well-lit trail. Again, so murdered. They have some mooshy moment and then an awkward fight moment and she walks back to the house, in the middle of the night, by herself.

Then blah blah blah turns out fiancé is gonna be a multimillionaire, wants to help her have a bigger store (oh yeah, she has a store) and she breaks up with him, because clearly that sucks.

Ok fine, he did kinda suck. Everyone in this movie sucks, except maybe the grampa….but grampas are all awesome so whatever.

Then she goes running out of the house, down the deserted oddly lit trail, calling hot charming guy's name, and BOOM he's there AS IF BY MAGIC.

If magic were the same as stalking, that is.

Why is this dumb idiot not murdered yet?

Then they say "I love you" because clearly a day and a half plus the magic of Christmas is enough to use that word.

Oh and then there was some bullshit with a clock and fate and some crap. The End.

Know what's a good Christmas movie? DIE HARD.

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