Is that a raincoat?

Yes it is! An this is a blog post about my favorite serial killer movies.

I make it no secret that I love monsters. Love love love them. Mostly when you think of monsters, you think of things like vampires and werewolves and zombies, oh my! But if you really get down to it, even if you are watching a really really well done, scare-your-socks-off monster flick, there's always going to be a part of you that doesn't believe it.

A good movie about a serial killer, however, will have you double checking your locks before you go to bed. In fact I'm gonna go check mine right now...

...

Ok I'm back. Now I'm a true believer that even though these movies are really messed up, in a way they appeal to that little bit of darkness that's in us all. It's a way to let go and get our blood pumping. Serial killers are monsters in human form - the scariest kind, because that means the incredible gruesome and evil acts they perform on their fellow man could be something any of us could potentially be capable of. We all have a little bit of monster in us.

"I know my behavior can be... 'erratic' sometimes."

-Patrick Bateman

Ok, so as I was making my list (gonna go with a list of 7... seems appropriate) I was thinking of a lot of movies that I wasn't sure were actual serial killer movies. I mean, I think I know what makes a serial killer, but just to help myself out I looked up the legal definition.

"Serial killer is a term describing a type of killer who kills a number of people over a long period of time. They are generally male and motivated by a variety of psychological urges, primarily power. The United States Bureau of Justice Statistics defines a serial killing as: '[involving] the killing of several victims in three or more separate events.' They are distinguished from spree killers in that they have rest periods between killings."

Hmmm. So it's three or more separate killings, with the ultimate goal of some sort of sick psychological gratification? I can work with this.

"I have all the characteristics of a human being: blood, flesh, skin, hair; but not a single, clear, identifiable emotion, except for greed and disgust. Something horrible is happening inside of me and I don't know why. My nightly bloodlust has overflown into my days. I feel lethal, on the verge of frenzy. I think my mask of sanity is about to slip."

-Patrick Bateman

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So here is my list of 7 serial killer movies. Be sure to enjoy it with farva beans and a nice chianti. Now, the list has holes in it, but that's because there are several I have not seen. These are MY favorites, and in case you haven't guessed by now #1 is:

1. AMERICAN PSYCHO (2000)

"Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, I may show up at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open."

SO many reasons to see this movie.... is it Patrick Bateman's cold, remorseless assessment of his own mind and actions? Is it the grisly yet ludicrous murder scenes, punctuated by cheesy pop tunes from the 80s and 90s? It's bizarre to be sure. Patrick Bateman (played by Christian Bale) is a shallow, materialistic, narcissistic man who shows nothing but distain and jealousy toward everyone around him. The things that are important to him are status and image, but even those things don't make him happy. The movie is strangely entertaining and has a certain messed up charm that will keep you almost rooting for Bateman. Almost. Well, no, no you don't.... but you do get to see him chase a girl down a hallway with a chainsaw...

"There is an idea of a Patrick Bateman. Some kind of abstraction. But there is no real me. Only an entity. Something illusory. And though I can hide my cold gaze, and you can shake my hand and feel flesh gripping yours, and maybe you can even sense our lifestyles are probably comparable, I simply am not there."

2. SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991)

Hannibal Lecter: "Why do you think he removes their skins, Agent Starling?"

Hannibal Lecter: "Enthrall me with your acumen."

Clarice Starling: "It excites him. Most serial killers keep some sort of trophies from their victims."

Hannibal Lecter: "I didn't."

Clarice Starling: "No. No, you ate yours."

So the question is this: is the greater serial killer Buffalo Bill or Hannibal Lecter? Though he's behind bars for a string of murders and cannibalistic acts, Lecter really comes off almost as one of the good guys in this film. In fact, you kind of end up rooting for him towards the end even though the escape sequence reminds you of the nature of the monster that he truly is. Bill, however, is a stunningly psychotic madman - a former patient of Lecter's, slowly constructing an androgynous bodysuit from the skin of his victims. So we end up with one serial killer the villain and the other a hero. It's so fucked up yet so ingenious, all at the same time.

3. SE7EN (1995)

"If we catch John Doe and he turns out to be the devil, I mean if he's Satan himself, that might live up to our expectations, but he's not the devil. He's just a man."

This may be the most brilliantly crafted movie on my list. The idea of a killer planning and executing murders based on the seven deadly sins is both compelling and disturbing at the same time. Further, though this killer is one of the strongest and most intelligent on the list, you don't meet him until the last minutes of the movie, which play out in a sick, deadly dance per his design. He also may be the most believable killer on my list, his divine motives lead him to making his grisly murders serve as examples to the world.

4. NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007)

"What's the most you ever lost on a coin toss?"

Despite his Dora the Explorer haircut, Anton Chigurh (played by Javier Bardem) is a chilling character. I've never had a movie move at such a slow, deliberate pace yet make my heart jump with every sound and every word. I was on the edge of my seat even when nothing was happening for minutes at a time. Anton is using money in a briefcase as an excuse to kill, but not the reason for the killing. He plods through the movie, expressionless and nonchalant, killing people who either get in his way or who he simply doesn't want around anymore. The remorseless nature of his portrayal of Anton earned Javier Bardem the Oscar for Best Supporting Actor in 2008.

5. PSYCHO (1960)

Norman Bates: "You know what I think? I think that we're all in our private traps, clamped in them, and none of us can ever get out. We scratch and we claw, but only at the air, only at each other, and for all of it, we never budge an inch."

Marion Crane: "Sometimes, we deliberately step into those traps."

Norman Bates: "I was born into mine. I don't mind it anymore."

Marion Crane: "Oh, but you should. You should mind it."

Norman Bates: "Oh, I do" [laughs]

Norman Bates: "but I say I don't."

This one is kind of a no-brainer for my list. It's based on Wisconsin serial killer Ed Gein (as is Buffalo Bill in #2 Silence of the Lambs and Leatherface in Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is on my "best of the rest" list at the bottom) and is most famous for its shower scene, which in many ways set the tone for almost every serial killer movie made after it. Norman Bates seems outwardly normal but is actually a disturbed and perverse character. He runs a motel and battles multiple personalities and deranged relationship with his mother that leads him to kill anyone who he sees as a threat to her wishes. Hitchcock really shows his mastery of suspense through implied violence and storytelling that simply cannot be matched.

6. SAW (2004)

"Hello, Paul. You are a perfectly healthy, sane and middle-class male yet last month you ran a straight razor across your wrist. Did you cut yourself because you truly wanted to die or did you just want some attention? Tonight, you'll show me. The irony is that if you want to die you just have to stay where you are, but if you want to live, you'll have to cut yourself again. Find the path through the razor-wire to the door but hurry. At 3:00 that door will lock and then, this room becomes your tomb. How much blood will you shed to stay alive?"

Now, you can argue that Jigsaw is not a true serial killer and that he wants to see if his victims have the will to survive, but come on... this movie has too high of a body count for that to be the case. The deaths are planned and calculated, and Jigsaw does not show any emotion either way. I wouldn't bother with any of the other Saw movies, but this one is completely revolutionary and brilliant, and has on of the best climax sequences I've ever seen.

7. SIN CITY (2005)

"This is blood for blood and by the gallon. These are the old days, the bad days, the all-or-nothing days. Theyre back! There's no choice left. And I'm ready for war."

Ok, so it's just a part of the movie, but Kevin played by Elijah Wood is about as disgusting a serial killer villain as you can get. Guilty of both murder and cannibalism, he is able to get away with virtually anything he pleases. Free for years, mostly killing prostitutes including the girlfriend of Mickey Rourke's character Marv. Marv ultimately serves justice by giving Kevin a fitting punishment for his crimes. Kevin ends up tied to a tree, arms and legs amputated, fully awake with an eerily serene smile on his face while the very wolves he had been feeding scraps of his victims to slowly eat him alive. It's creepy as hell.

Movies I couldn't bear not to mention (in no particular order):

• 1 Hour Photo

• Scream

• Texas Chainsaw Massacre

• Kiss the Girls

• Death Proof

• Halloween

• From Hell

• Hot Fuzz

I know there are a few I'm missing here. Zodiac, Monster, Mr. Brooks and Frailty are all on my list to see.

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Now I'm gonna go check those locks again....

I killed a spider with it

I had a nice day today. I went to a friend's house, had a retro movie marathon, cooked, hung out, drank a little... it was a truly great day. I came home tonight, however, to find something sitting at my door that in many ways fits with the retro theme of my day, but made me way less happy.

Phone books.

Seriously? I'd rather find a flaming bag of poo on my doorstep. At least when I throw that out I don't feel bad for wasting resources.

Phone books USED to be useful. You know, back before the 90s and the invention of internet searches. Most people I know can find more phone listings ON THEIR PHONES than can be found in a phone book, and if they're searching a business, they can even find more information than a number and an address. Directions perhaps? Star ratings? Customer reviews? And all without wasting 5 pounds of tree matter, getting gray smudges all over your fingers or going blind searching through thousands of 7-point-type listings.

Grrr.

In my professional opinion, phone books are good for one thing only: Killing spiders.

Of course, there are probably a lot of other things near all of us right at this moment that can smash the crap out of one of those little 8-legged monsters AND have other uses as well.

So bad news phone books - your day is over. I just wonder how many more innocent trees are gonna have to sacrifice their lives, just to get tossed in the trash (or if they're lucky enough to go to a "green" home, the recycling bin) before somebody puts a stop to phone book production.

I think I'll Google the number of the phone book company and complain. Obviously they haven't gotten the memo that they have become completely irrelevant. HA! Oh well, at least I got a free magnet.

Blue people vs. Killer fishes

James Cameron thinks he's the king of the world. Yes he's made some marvelous films, like Terminator I & II, Aliens, and recently Avatar (some would say Titanic, but I won't because I hated that ridiculously long over-glorified piece of crap movie), but I'm afraid I still can't give him the props as a "visionary" that he seems to think he deserves.

Actually, I think he's kind of a bitch.

Let's talk about Avatar, shall we? I loved it. In fact, I saw it twice in theaters which is unheard of for me. The 3-D movie experience when it comes to a really visually stunning movie is unique and exciting, and Avatar was one movie that really dazzled. The story however, was just ok. It was mind popcorn, at best. Does Cameron know this? No, I don't think he does.

So there's another movie in theaters right now. Another big fancy 3-D cinematic experience ready to blow my mind all to bits....

... Piranha 3-D.

Can I get a HELL YEAH? Unlike Avatar, this movie knows what it is. No one is taking it seriously. Piranha 3-D doesn't take Piranha 3-D seriously.

But because he's a narcissistic stick in the mud who likes to hear himself talk, James Cameron had some nasty things to say about the cheesetastic moviegasm that is Piranha 3-D.

Could it be sour grapes? I mean, Cameron was fired off Piranha 2.... and I have to wonder how high the bar of cinematic excellence was set for Pirhana 2. In a Vanity Fair interview, Cameron was quotes as saying:

"I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but that is exactly an example of what we should not be doing in 3-D. Because it just cheapens the medium and reminds you of the bad 3-D horror films from the 70s and 80s, like Friday the 13th 3-D. When movies got to the bottom of the barrel of their creativity and at the last gasp of their financial lifespan, they did a 3-D version to get the last few drops of blood out of the turnip. And that’s not what’s happening now with 3-D. It is a renaissance—right now the biggest and the best films are being made in 3-D. Martin Scorsese is making a film in 3-D. Disney’s biggest film of the year—Tron: Legacy—is coming out in 3-D. So it’s a whole new ballgame."

Boom. Oh it's ON now. You really don't want to mess with people who make monster movies. They are generally a bit sick and twisted and you really don't want to be on their bad side. Oh James, making a movie about a sinking ship does not in any way make you an authority on what counts as original.... as you squeeze the last drops of blood out of the turnip that is Dances with Wolves, Pocahontas, or even the friggin Smurfs.

So really, when I read the open letter from Pirhana 3-D's Mark Canton, I stood up and cheered. This is a verbal smack down that made me tingle with happiness. Take that, James Cameron. I hope you take at least some of this to heart and recognize that there are other (killer) fishes swimming in the sea of moviemaking.

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So readers, crack open a cold one and enjoy:

"As a producer in the entertainment industry, Jim Cameron's comments on VanityFair.com are very disappointing to me and the team that made Piranha 3D. Mr. Cameron, who singles himself out to be a visionary of movie-making, seems to have a small vision regarding any motion pictures that are not his own. It is amazing that in the movie-making process - which is certainly a team sport - that Cameron consistently celebrates himself out as though he is a team of one. His comments are ridiculous, self-serving and insulting to those of us who are not caught up in serving his ego and his rhetoric.

Jim, are you kidding or what? First of all, let’s start by you accepting the fact that you were the original director of PIRANHA 2 and you were fired. Shame on you for thinking that genre movies and the real maestros like Roger Corman and his collaborators are any less auteur or impactful in the history of cinema than you. Martin Scorcese made Boxcar Bertha at the beginning of his career. And Francis Ford Coppola made Dimentia 13 back in 1963. And those are just a few examples of the talented and successful filmmakers whose roots are in genre films. Who are you to impugn any genre film or its creators?

Having been deeply involved, as either an executive or as a producer, on Tim Burton’s original BATMAN and the first MEN IN BLACK, as well as 300, and now IMMORTALS, one of the things that has been consistent about all of the filmmakers involved in these landscape-changing global films is that, in each and every case, all of the directors were humbled by their predecessors, their colleagues and by their awareness of the great history of film that came before them. The enjoyment and the immersion of an audience in a movie theatre, as they had and will have with the above-mentioned films, and as audiences are experiencing with PIRNAHA 3D now, comes from the originality and the vision of the filmmaker, and not just from the creation of the technology. You as much as anyone certainly knows that there are many pieces to the puzzle. Going to the movies still remains, arguably, amongst the best communal experiences that human beings can share.

My sense is that Mr. Cameron has never seen PIRANHA 3D...certainly not in a movie theatre with a real audience. Jim, we invite you to take that opportunity and experience the movie in a theatre full of fans - fans for whom this movie was always intended to entertain. Does Mr. Cameron have no idea of the painstaking efforts made by the talented young filmmaker Alex Aja and his team of collaborators? Clearly, and this one is a good bet, he has no clue as to how great and how much of a fun-filled experience the audiences who have seen the film in 3D have enjoyed. Those of us who have tried to stay in touch with the common movie audiences - the ones who really matter, the ones who actually still go to the theatre, put on the glasses, and eat the popcorn - take joy and pride in the fact that movies of all kinds, including PIRANHA 3D, have a place in filmmaking history - past, present and future. 3D unto itself is not a genre Jim, it is a tool that gives audiences an enhanced experience as they experience all kinds of movies. I believe Mr. Cameron did not see PIRANHA 3D either with any real audience or not at all. On opening weekend, I was in a Los Angeles theatre with a number of today’s great film makers including JJ Abrams, who actually had nothing short of the fabulous, fun 3D experience thatthe movie provides. I am fortunate enough to have worked on, and continue to work on, evolutionary movies in all formats from just simple good story telling, which still matters most of all, to CG movies to tent-pole size 3D movies, and genre 3D movies like PIRANHA 3D. What it comes down to, Jim, is - that like most things in life - size doesn’t really matter. Not everyone has the advantage of having endless amounts of money to play in their sandbox and to take ten years using other people’s money to make and market a film….like you do. Why can’t you just count your blessings? Why do you have to drop Marty Scorsese’s or Tim Burton’s names, both gentlemen who I have personally worked with, and who have enjoyed great joy and success with movies of all genres and sizes well before the advent of modern 3D? Then as now, they were like kids in a candy store recognizing, far beyond your imagination, the possibilities of storytelling and originality.

For the record, before you just totally dismiss PIRANHA 3D and all, in your opinion, worthless genre movies that actually undoubtedly gave you the ability to start your career, you should know that PIRANHA 3D had an 82% "fresh" (positive) ratting on Rotten Tomatoes on opening day - a web site that all the studios, filmmakers and the public use as a barometer of what makes a quality film.

We know that PIRANHA 3D has not achieved a boxoffice that is on the level of many of Mr. Cameron's successes. To date, PIRANHA 3D has earned over $30 million around the globe with #1 openings in several countries. And, as the "fresh" rating on Rotten Tomatoes indicates, critics and many, many others have embraced and celebrated PIRANHA 3D for the fun and entertaining - and even smart - movie-going experience that it is.

Let’s just keep this in mind Jim….you did not invent 3D. You were fortunate that others inspired you to take it further. The simple truth is that I had nothing but good things to say about AVATAR and my own experience since I actually saw it and didn’t damn someone else’s talent publicly in order to disassociate myself from my origins in the business from which we are all very fortunate. To be honest, I found the 3D in AVATAR to be inconsistent and while ground breaking in many respects, sometimes I thought it overwhelmed the storytelling. Technology aside, I wish AVATAR had been more original in its storytelling.

We have to inspire, teach and mentor this next generation of filmmakers. It is garbage to suggest that any film or any filmmaker who cannot afford to work to your standards should be dissuaded from following his or her craft by not making 3D movies or not making movies like DISTRICT 9, for example, which probably cost the amount of AVATAR’s craft services budget, but totally rocked it in the movie theatre and in the marketplace. In that case, it was not a 3D movie. But had it been, it certainly would not have been any less original or impactful. The enormous worldwide success of AVATAR has been good in all respects for you, your financiers, your distributors and the industry, as well as for the movie going public. Jim, there is a difference between Maestro which is a word that garners respect, and Dictator or Critic which are words better left for others who are not in our mutual boat or on our team. You are one of the best, it is reasonable to think that you should dig deeper and behave like it. Young directors should be inspired by you, not publicly castigated by your mean-spirited and flawed analysis.

While we are all awed by your talents and your box office successes - and I compliment you on all of them - why don’t you rethink how you address films with which you are not involved? You should be taking the high road that is being travelled by so many of your peers, and pulling with them to ensure that we, as an industry, will have a continuum of talented filmmakers that will deliver a myriad of motionpictures both big and small, with 3D or any other technologies yet to come that will entertain audiences throughout the world. That is the challenge that we face. That is the future that we should deliver.

Please go see PIRANHA 3D in a theatre near you."

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Mark Canton, I think I love you.

Meals on wheels

I love food. I love to look at it, smell it, taste it...

Sigh.

In my opinion, a good meal is one of the most enjoyable experiences a human can have. Seriously folks, the way to my heart may be through a really epic plate of pasta, or a perfectly cooked steak. Yes, I said steak because life would just feel gray without a nice hunk of red meat on my plate once in a while - and if that makes you squirm or judge me you may want to stop reading right now.

In fact, I once dumped a guy for being a vegetarian. I just couldn't take it. (Actually, that wasn't the only reason. He was also a huge fan of Thomas Kincaide, the painter of light... that's two very big strikes against him, so I broke up with him before he got to 3. I'm not a baseball fan anyway so two strikes is enough to be 'out' in my book)

But I'm getting off track here.

Now a really good dining experience can come in many forms. It could be a picnic in the mountains, a dressy fine dining restaurant, an out-of-the-way dive or a hearty home cooked meal. It all depends on what your mood is, how much is in your bank account, and how motivated you are.

Today, I was in the mood for tacos. Not just any tacos though, really good tacos. Now, there is a difference between just wanting something and craving it. If I just want something, I can live without it. If I'm craving it, it's basically gonna be a choice between me getting a damn taco or hulking out and destroying things. I was craving tacos today.... and I wanted the best Charlotte has to offer.

Who's the best, you ask? Who in this fair city can provide a taco so delicious it feels as if angels are dancing a heavenly polka on my tongue?

Well folks, the answer is simple, yet so complicated.

A taco truck.

I know you are wondering, "what's so complicated about that?" Well, funny thing about trucks: they have WHEELS and they MOVE from place to place. So really, unless you are Sherlock Holmes, finding the elusive taco truck can be quite the crapshoot. At best, you can pinpoint a general area and drive around craning your neck out the window until you spot one, but that of course is by no means a foolproof system. My taco truck lunch missions have lasted anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour and a half, and that's only with about a 60% success rate. It used to be so easy to find a taco truck, but they seem to be disappearing like friggin humpback whales. Pretty soon we'll be more likely to spot Sasquatch plodding along South Blvd. than that little white trailer filling the summer air with the delicious smells of carnitas and pollo.

Sigh. Once again I'm losing focus. Back to my story...

It's really best to go on a taco truck mission with at least one buddy. That way one an drive while the other watches for the truck. Usually, I go with my buddy Jacob from work. So today Jake and I got in my car, hungry, with the tantalizing prospect of delicious authentic tacos on the brain. We started driving. Minutes passed as we craned our necks in the hopes of spotting our prize. We headed further and further South until we ran out of civilization. Could it be that today lady luck was just not smiling upon us? Would we miss out? Defeated, I pulled a sharp u-turn and began to head back. I was now so hungry I was beginning to feel weak and shaky and irritated. I felt tears prick the corners of my eyes. Just as I knew hope was lost I saw it. Actually I passed it.

Tucked in the back corner of a dingy Citgo gas station was a white truck. I couldn't believe it! Shrieking with joy I pulled another sharp u-turn and sped into the parking lot. Leaping out of my car, the first thing I did was close my eyes and take a giant breath of air that smelled of cooking meat and happiness. Rushing over to the window, I triumphantly ordered my three steak tacos in broken spanish.

They were everything I needed them to be today. Just steak, onions and cilantro in a soft corn shell, a little lime juice and some incredible green sauce (is it salsa? I don't know! who cares!?!). Mmmmmmmm.....

Suck it, Taco Bell. You got nothin.

What a perfect, incredible meal.

Southern fried stereotypes

This post is long overdue. Consider it for every "southern belle" out there who's been judged based on her southern drawl ...

Since entering the professional world about 7 years ago, I found that I'd have more success dealing with interviewers, associates, bosses, etc. if I removed all the drawl from my voice. The perceived lack of sophistication, motivation and education that comes with a southern accent is a simple thing that can cause a lot of damage to those of us who are trying to make it in the professional world.

Seriously. We don't all drink sweet tea, listen to country music and go bass fishing on the weekends... and even if we did, would it really matter? Does liking grits and livermush keep me from doing my job? I think not.

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Regardless of how qualified you are, many folks will see you as an ignorant hick if you draw out your vowels. Yes, I'm a southern lady. I was brought up in a conservative Southern Baptist home with manners and sweet tea. There is a moonshine still in the woods behind the house I grew up in. My dad owns a beat up pickup truck. I'll admit I grew up at a leisurely pace in a community that placed value on God and family rather than education and high-figure incomes....

I believe that when I stepped out of that world and went to college I was able to combine my strong sense of values and community with a work ethic that is rare in most 18-year-old kids. Yes, I went to NC State which isn't exactly Ivy League, but their design school is ranked as one of the top 5 in the country, which should probably impress you. I got in against the odds, worked my ass off while I was there, and graduated hungry and ready to start carving out my own place in the professional world.

I quickly discovered that I had two things working against me that had nothing to do with my merit as a professional graphic designer.

In my very first job interview out of college, the man I interviewed with actually told me that I was going to have a hard time getting hired because of how pretty I am. He also told me that I needed to project more toughness and neutralize my accent in order to be taken seriously. He called me sweetie! Now, do you think he'd have said that to a male applicant? How about someone of a different ethnicity? Of course not. But saying it to a sweet-as-honey southern belle is ok. I mean, it's only a matter of months before I give up on this silly career notion, get married and start popping out babies, right? No matter what my work looks like, or the time and effort I'm willing to put in, people are going to see me and hear me and judge based on my demeanor and appearance.

So what did I do? I adapted to the prejudice. I bought an interview outfit with pants instead of a skirt. I spoke more boldly and injected some of the harshness of a northern way of speaking into my voice. I walked faster and smiled less. I changed a part of what made me who I am in order to be taken seriously. Did I change my portfolio? My resume? No. My work was and has always been very good - but in many ways my work didn't matter. People were going to offer me a job based on the impression I left them with.

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I know I'm not the only one who's sick of adapting to safeguard myself from becoming a victim to this stupid prejudice. It's exhausting. The "live and let live" southern way of thinking is a beautiful way to look at the world. If I were to compare Charlotte or Atlanta to say, New York or Chicago it would be like night and day. I feel like in New York everyone is out for themselves - the back-breaking pace, stress and sense of urgency is enough to give anyone a heart attack by the time they hit 35. The more a city like Charlotte tries to hang with the big cities, the more I see that paradigm creeping in. I was raised on the notion that teamwork is the way to go and that there is enough success out there for everyone. As that mentality goes the way of the dodo, I find myself falling deeper into the rabbit hole of selfish and cutthroat thinking. Where will it end and when it does, what will I have become?

Speaking with a twang doesn't make anyone an idiot. Judging someone based on their accent does though. I remove all traces of accent from my voice when dealing with people, especially my associates in New York, because if I don't, I get treated like a dumbass or a child. From a fellow professional, that is appalling. Excuse me for coming from a place where people are actually nice to each other and treat each other with respect and tolerance. I was raised my entire life to treat people as equals no matter what they look or sound like - and to appreciate diversity of all kinds because that is one of the things that makes this country beautiful.

There is enough ignorance and stupidity in this world. Do all us southern folk a favor and don't add to it.

Here's a stereotype for you - any barbecue north of the Mason-Dixon Line tastes like sawdust. How about that?

Past and present

Those of you who know me have seen how little I date. I suppose that is on purpose to an extent because several people have told me that a woman has exactly the love life she wants. I don't know if that is true, but I do know that each man who's been in my life whether good or bad has been significant.... and good or bad, at some point I made the conscious choice to be with every one of them.

I don't consider my dating past to have many mistakes in it - which is funny because as I watch friend after friend get married and in some cases start popping out babies, I am still miles from the aisle. It's also funny that I started this blog with a wounded heart over some guy who didn't deserve to break it.

That first post was bred from anger and pain and frustration and I thought that yet again, I had either failed to pick well or failed as a girlfriend.... but as I reread it today I realized that my last statement was actually pretty damn strong:

"So while I proceed with caution, I still proceed."

I can't let what came before to keep me from what is ahead. That's like expecting the person behind you in line at the store to pay for your groceries. I need to use the past so that it helps propel me forward, not hold me back.... and certainly don't hold anyone in my present accountable for the actions of someone in my past.

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I am dating someone right now. He's quickly becoming very important to me, and I'm eager to see what happens with us. He's one-of-a-kind and brings out good things in me, and I really hope there is a future here.

We've both talked about our pasts and it seems until now, our paths and lifestyles have been very different. I don't like to think about him being close with other women, either physically or emotionally. What girl would...

...that's the struggle isn't it? I'm dating someone I might have a real future with and I've got my fingers crossed that I'm not just another future nameless ex to add to the list. I have trouble living in the present because I'm so worried about how the past will affect everything.

"So while I proceed with caution, I still proceed."

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I have a point to make I promise. Today I had an epiphany and it made my whole outlook clearer. It made me relax and just know in my heart that everything, no matter what happens, will work out for the best and BOTH of us will be better because of it.

Seriously, I should be applauded for my own genius and maturity. I am like a hot ginger version of Yoda.

I will never be a nameless, faceless ex, because none of us have any of those. Each person any of us have ever had in our lives has played a part, good or bad, in who we are today. It doesn't matter what they did to you, how they made you feel, or how intimate you ever were. What matters is that every ex, date, and one night stand has helped mold each of us. They've also helped us figure out what we want.

So if my boyfriend's exes have made him into the man he is today, I should be thanking them. So far, he motivates me to be the best possible version of myself. I can't ask for more than that can I?

Oh yeah, that he feels the same way about me... wink wink...

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Bottom line: there is a reason exes are exes. Not one is nameless and everyone matters in some way. Failed relationships build us - they make us stronger and they help us figure out what we want.

Mommywood

So... we are fast approaching what I consider one of the most stress-filled holidays of the year, Mother's Day. Now, I should probably be clear up front that I love the idea of a day that celebrates mothers and all they have done for us, their spawn. I want to make it clear that I in no way want to diminish the importance of motherhood, or how much work and sacrifice and love good parents give.

But this particular post isn't about that. In fact, I wasn't really sure when I decided to write a Mother's Day post what direction I would take it in. So I started with one of the most obvious sources of inspiration.....

Urban Dictionary.

So my search produced 28 pages of entries, which offered almost as much inspirational focus as a Jackson Pollack painting. Back to square one.

What about "yo momma" jokes? Eh, I dunno. Those things get a little too much use, don't you think?
...
...
...

Then it hit me. The reasons behind why I get so stressed out around this holiday come down to expectations. My mom likes attention and she likes stuff. Last year, my biggest Mother's day fear was realized, when my mom threw a full-blown tantrum complete with crying fit because we didn't make her feel special enough. Nevermind that I blew off work, showed up with armloads of flowers and presents and waited on her hand and foot all day. She was angry because I didn't cook for her too. Seriously? NO WONDER I can't think of anything to write. As much as I love and respect my mom, enough is enough.

Since I can't flat out tell my mom to stop being crazy (well I could, but I suspect it would be the last thing I ever did), I'm doing my best to accept the way she is. OBVIOUSLY she doesn't realize that I'd be eager to cater to her every whim on "her day" if I didn't feel like I was forced.

My mom is an extreme case, but you KNOW that the general sentiment of "this is my day" is common between mothers everywhere. They may say they just want a hug, but read between the lines baby, a hug just won't cut it.

.....

I am lucky though. There have been a lot of mothers in the news in recent years, many of which earned their celebrity status solely through bad parenting! At least I can't claim any of these stellar specimens of motherhood as my own:

Kate Gosselin

Gosh Kate, I really wish you'd stop complaining about what a burden it is to be a tv star... on reality shows. Remember your 8 kids didn't suddenly go away when you got new hair. But at least I can thank you for showing me what it would look like if a zombie danced the foxtrot on NyQuil and quaaludes. I really look forward to the day when I DON'T see your dead-behind-the-eyes grin on every newsstand I pass.... because I'd really like to be able to buy milk without seeing how you are "fighting back" or something stupid like that. You aren't fighting anything but responsible parenting. See you on "Celebrity Fit Club" in a couple of years.

Dina Lohan

Just what everyone needs, a mom who still thinks she's a teenager. Tell me, how is letting 24 year olds do tequila shots off your boobs helping your daughter NOT slowly kill herself with hard living? Not to mention she's the stage mom from hell...

Octomom

I didn't know stupidity and fertility drugs could make you famous.... oh wait. You aren't anymore. Go do yourself a favor and be in that porno... it's the only career opportunity you're going to get sweetie. I guess there is something morbidly fascinating about a human clown car, but there is only so much you can do with that. Also, please learn the difference between fertility drugs and M&Ms.

Courtney Love

OK, if you don't know why Courtney Love is one of the worst moms ever, I'm not sure what to tell you.

Kendra

I have to admit that I have no idea what her parenting skills are like, I just know she's dumb as a rock and more irritating than Bobcat Goldthwait on helium.... kinda the same way I feel about Tori Spelling. At least Kendra hasn't written book after narcissistic book about being a mom. Ugh.

Britney Spears

I'm wondering if Britney's kids got her a carton of cigarettes for Mother's day. This girl is the poster child for being a bad mother - you name it, she's done it. In fact, I could cite the whole Spears clan for shitty mothering skills.... I mean her sister had a baby at what, 16? And I guess their mother should probably be held responsible for how both girls turned out. Shame on you, Spears women. Please stop breeding!

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So gone are the days when a macaroni necklace and a card will make her happy. Do what you gotta do, and remember, it will be Monday soon.