Word therapy

Today I received a package in the mail from my ex boyfriend. It contained one of the books I had loaned him when we were together, and a two page letter. The letter is now a pile of ashes in my kitchen sink.

I don't know about you, but break-ups always affect me differently. You of course know about the last one, aka the only reason this blog exists in the first place. After that ended I was very angry, hurt and disappointed. It was a sharp, explosive pain at first, but it became less and less over time. This time, the guy meant a lot to me, and still does. He was a bigger and more powerful force in my life than my last boyfriend. Strangely though, it's been a different kind of pain... it's hard to describe, I've been OK in general except for this hole in my heart that's been slowly getting bigger and bigger with each passing day. I guess you could call it a slow burn... I don't feel angry or betrayed or shot down, I just feel really really sad.

But today I got a letter...

... which brings me to the point of this post. Writing makes people feel better. It helps us cope with what we are dealing with and organize our thoughts. I just really wish more than anything that he'd considered how getting such a letter would affect me. Trust me, being on the receiving end is much less therapeutic.

I know hurting me was not the intent, but he did. Again. Because I was reminded that ultimately, his priorities were all about himself... the whole point of the letter was to make himself feel better, not prove anything to me or change things between us.

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And now I need to feel better. Here is the reply I will never send...*cracks knuckles*

Dear Ex,

I know what you are going through. It's called adolescence. I went through it myself 15 years ago. Reading you make excuses for yourself and the reasons behind the end of our relationship really made me realize what a favor you did me by instigating the breakup. The saddest part? that you have no idea what your own potential is. I can say without hesitation that you are one of the most brilliant humans I have ever met in my life, and the glimpses I got of you using that brilliance truly dazzled me. That said though, out of the adult men I know, you have the least sense. I frequently wanted to punch you in the head just to see if I could knock any into you.

During our relationship, I offered endless support. I wanted to push you to see what you have to offer the world and how you can make it more beautiful just by using the raw talent and charm nature has given you. Even doing so I was afraid if you saw it, you'd find something you wanted more than me to hold on to. I realized that you were the kind of person who would need to shine, sometimes at the expense of those around you... and I don't know if constantly standing behind you would ever be something I could want.

You found this play and this theatre company and I truly hope that it leads to wonderful, fruitful things in your life. You are focusing on that now at the expense of everything else, including me, just as I suspected you would. I feel like your letter was filled with you convincing yourself that you had made the right choice in ending our relationship, all the while leaving the door open for us to reunite eventually. All the while though, I didn't find any real hope in your words, which is sad. Stop acting like a victim and truly work towards what you want. You still don't believe in yourself, and I sincerely hope you can someday. I hope this play works out better for you than I did, but you're going to have to work for it. I hope you are ready to really apply yourself and do that. If it feels like a start and a direction, go for it, because it probably is.

I also believe one of the reasons we ended was talk of me moving closer made you a bit claustrophobic, like I was threatening the freedom you've always enjoyed. I guess giving up some of that freedom is a big part of a serious relationship, and you weren't ready for it and started pulling away from me. When you started placing that distance between us, it hurt me. I felt like you didn't want me, that maybe you didn't find me attractive or something. That was such a shitty way to feel, not to feel wanted by the one person I wanted more than anything to love me.

But you didn't. I think you wanted to, but you didn't love me. In the long run, I'll be thankful for that. I wanted something more from our relationship than you were willing to give. I can't stay with someone who only takes and never gives to the relationship. I wanted to be in a partnership, but at times I just felt like a parent.

I got so much sadness out of the way while we were still together, our breakup has offered an unexpected peace. I hope you can find that serenity too, even though there is really no such thing as no regrets. For instance, I regret crying over the letter from you I got in the mail today.

I wish you success, love, and lots of happiness. I wish I could hug you one more time.

Merissa

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Words are powerful, but not as powerful as actions. Moving on is an action. The letter is gone, unless you count that pile of ashes in my kitchen sink. My tears are dry, and I am going to bed.