The reset button

You know, I've really struggled with a New Year's post this year. It seems like every time I get to another New Years Eve, I'm hoping that the year has taught me something that will propel me forward. Something that will enable me to make the coming year better.

It's January 3, and I'm not sure where to start. Am I older? Yep. Thinner? You betcha. Wiser? Well, I hope so. I'm also just a little worn out. It seems like the older I get, the less likely I am to end a year on a winning note. I feel like I'm constantly hitting a "reset" button on New Years Day and it's not something I really want to keep doing. Yep, you could say I've been one grouchy ginger the last few days.

On December 30, 2010 I got dumped. On December 31, 2010 I cried all day. I went to work with a face that looked like a wet, lumpy tomato. On New Years Eve when the clock struck 12 and everyone raised their glasses, I raised my middle finger. Fuck you, reset button. Fuck you, new year. I shouldn't be living a life that needs to be constantly reset, or turned on its ear because the Earth had a birthday. Why does getting dumped right before New Years sting more than getting dumped at any other time of the year?

Because a new year means the end of something and the beginning of something else... something good. Somehow it feels like if I'm sad on January 1 I'm going to be sad for the whole year. It's a very bleak way to think.

So I made one very important New Years resolution.

I am going to find peace with these things I can't control, and I am going to use them to make myself better.

Now, I'm sure there are more lumpy tomato-face days in my future, but those low points help show me how good the highs are. Those moments and those feelings teach me about myself and about the people I've chosen to surround myself with. I discovered that when this one man broke me down into a tearful mess, I was almost instantly lifted up by a network of friends and family in a way that completely overwhelmed and touched me. Having the people in my life that I have and realizing how they can help me in low moments by just being there is one of the things that will keep me positive in this new year.

Oh, how fantastically mushy. If it made your brain vomit even a little, stop reading now because there's more.

I pull strength from a lot of places. I can use this experience to grow. I have people I can trust, confide in and lean on. I am smart enough to know (most of the time - and yes, retrospect counts) when something is for the best. Like a breakup. I can learn from it, and use everything I remember, feel and even gave to the relationship to make me better for the next one. So though my 2011 starts with sadness, it does not start with any regrets from 2010. I start this year stronger, smarter, and ready to face the challenges, triumphs and possibly heartbreaks it holds. I'm not afraid, because I know the people who love me will not let me fall. I'm not going to reset. I'm simply going to move on.

Happy New Year everybody. Let's move forward.

M.