No one wants to sing about the age of Capricorn

Some assholes just can't leave well enough alone, can they? I'll never EVER tell you that I believe the alignment of stars and whatnot control any part of my destiny, but for some reason, I'll argue with you that I'm a Leo until I run out of breath and pass out. I'll do it loudly and I'll do it proudly.

Because I'm a Leo, that's why.

Read any description of a Leo and you'll know what to expect from me, because I fully embody the strengths and weaknesses and traits outlined. Count on it. I am a fire sign ruled by the sun. I am a lion, royal and strong... and as a Leo, I don't like to be wrong, second-guessed, or criticized. Rawr.

Something I read today rocked my lioness world, and not in a good way. Apparently due to the fact that space isn't static (who knew), stars and constellations are in a constant state of gradually shifting into new positions... which means astrologers are more full of crap than we ever could have guessed. Even the birth of astrology was a little... silly. First of all, astrologers are trying to link everyones personality to stars. Second, Babylonians originally had 13 constellations, but only wanted 12 so they threw out Ophuchicus, the snake holder. Third, Libra didn't come in until the Julius Caesar era.

Confused? Annoyed? Want me to get to the point? HA. I'm not forcing you to read this. You just want to know which sign to read in Cosmo this month, so either suck it up and keep reading or ask Bing. I don't care I already got your hit.

So here are the signs and dates as we've always known them:

Aries • March 21-April 19

Taurus • April 20-May 20

Gemini • May 21-June 20

Cancer • June 21-July 22

Leo • July 23-August 22

Virgo • August 23-September 22

Libra • September 23-October 22

Scorpio • October 23-November 21

Sagittarius • November 22-December 21

Capricorn • December 22 - January 19

Aquarius • January 20 - February 18

Pisces • February 19-March 20

Here are the new dates, with Ophiuchus added back in:

Capricorn • Jan. 20-Feb. 16
Aquarius • Feb. 16-March 11
Pisces • March 11-April 18
Aries • April 18-May 13
Taurus • May 13-June 21
Gemini • June 21-July 20
Cancer • July 20-Aug. 10
Leo • Aug. 10-Sept. 16
Virgo • Sept. 16-Oct. 30
Libra • Oct. 30-Nov. 23
Scorpio • Nov. 23-Nov. 29
Ophiuchus • Nov. 29-Dec. 17 (oh yeah, good luck pronouncing this one)
Sagittarius • Dec. 17-Jan. 20

So apparently I went from being the king of the jungle to something you eat wearing a bib in Maryland. I bet if you tell Mick Jagger he's no longer a Leo he'll cut you with one of his elbows.... because that's now we rock stars roll. I read the description of Cancer and can't say I identify with much of it. I'm no moody, emotional shrinking violet! I'm a fucking Leo and I make an impression on every room I walk into. I mean, would a Cancer wear these boots?

I think not. (This was my one post-breakup retail therapy purchase. Fabulous, right?)

Bottom line, you can't trust the stars in the sky to tell you who you are. Read whichever damn horoscope you want, and embrace the traits you like most in yourself.... fire, water, sun, or moon. Make it yours. Enough of this bullshit.

Did I mention I'm still a Leo? Because that's what me and my new boots are embracing.