Merissa explains it all: Somebody call the fashion police

I have a confession to make. Other than the Grammys, I don't watch award shows. I only watch the red carpet arrivals on E! beforehand, with a pint of Ben & Jerry's and a notepad.... this way I can gain five pounds while judging people who would never give a shit about what I think anyway. It's a win-win, or so I keep telling myself.

ANYway, I have to say I was less than impressed with what I saw prancing down the red carpet this year.

All the guys really have to do is get a tux that fits, right? Well, you'd be surprised at how much of Hollywood can't even get that right, but that's not the focus of this post. I have to say, all I can think of as I watch starlet after starlet prance down the red carpet is... "these women pay people to dress them, right?"

I'm thinking some stylists should be fired. Like, don't even hesitate. FIRE them.

I think Halle Berry's stylist forgot her dress altogether or didn't get to the dry cleaners in time or something, and sent Halle out onto the red carpet in her underwear. Now Halle I love you and I think you are one of the most gorgeous women ever but next time look in a mirror and notice when something is missing... like YOUR DRESS.

I think Heidi upset Nina with this one. I really do.

Michelle Williams, you are not 6 years old and it is not the 1960s. Or maybe you derived inspiration from the no-stick flowers at the bottom of your bathtub? Who the hell knows, and don't even get me started on your stupid hair.

Julianne Moore apparently thought she was going to a toga party and decided to make hers out of Superman's cape. At least it's probably bulletproof.

I'm not sure what to even say about January Jones' dress. I mostly want to just flick her on the forehead and reiterate the necessity of looking in the mirror before you agree to wear something in front of millions of people. Also I kinda want to get her a trapeze....OOOh or put her in Jabba's palace on some kind of gold leash.

Now this just makes me sad, because I really, really love Sandra Bullock. I almost feel like they gave her Gadbury Sidibe's dress by accident and didn't have time to fit her before the show... or do her hair.

Which means Gadbury Sidibe had to dress in curtains.

I think I can see... oh wait no. I'm sorry, this is just trashy and it just makes Christina Aguilera look um... large.

I guess Megan Fox decided to not only stop eating, but also to stop wearing real dresses because this is obviously made of bandages from CVS. Does anyone else think she's starting to look like Lara Flynn Boyle?

I saved the worst for last. This is Tilda Swinton. She is a fashion idiot. I can't even insult this it's so bad. Plus I think somewhere along the line someone told her mascara is poisonous.

p.s. what's with that dirty-old-man wink thing she's doing?

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Now I have one that's so awesomely bad it has looped back around to being kind of spectacular. I'd be willing to bet money that Helena Bonham-Carter has no stylist, she just does whatever the hell she wants. Two different colored shoes? Hair styled with a blender? Sure why not.

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Well now I have to say for the sake of balance that there were some dresses I loved. Not everyone walked out looking like they want Joan to pick them apart on Fashion Police. Hollywood has some of the most beautiful women in the world, and here are a few who dress like the glamorous beauties they are:

Anne Hathaway in Armani Prive. I love how glamorous this is, with the surprise plunging back. Plus it fits her perfectly.

I'm not a fan of Eva Longoria. To me she is a tiny irritating human. But look how gorgeous she looks in this Zac Posen.

Of all the dresses, this is the one I most want to wear. I think it's decadent and gorgeous and Catherine Zeta-Jones looks like a princess. I love this gown, by Monique Lhuillier.