Mood killers

So I've been seeing Valentine's day stuff all over the place pretty much since Christmas ended. I don't really understand it. No man I know is going to go out at the beginning of January searching for a Valentine's gift, and no woman I know is going to get her man anything Valentines-themed. So why am I being punched in the face by this kitsch as soon as I walk through the doors of any store in this city? I mean, nothing says "I waited until the last minute and got you something on the way home from work today" like a teddy bear from CVS or some gas station roses.

Ok, ok. I have accepted the fact that I will have no Valentine this year, other than myself. If you think this will stop me from judging people who do have Valentines and are getting stuff for them you are mistaken. Big time.

But today, after nearly punching out a singing teddy bear on the shelves of the nearby CVS, I felt a wave of pity for the poor girl who is going to receive said bear on February 14. Because guys, no one between the ages of 11 and 78 wants a drug store teddy bear. Sorry to burst your bubble. So while I was standing there in the aisle, watching a bouncing, satin heart-wielding teddy bear belt out Elvis' All Shook Up, I started to wonder, what Valentine's day gifts are lamer than this.

I did some Googling, and have come up with a list of stuff that is worse than the last minute teddy bear or flowers or heart-shaped box of Russell Stover sampler. Here you go:

• Any jewelry in a ring-shaped box that is not THE RING is just cruel. You know it is. If it's heart-shaped, even worse. Valentine's Day is not the day to make your girl cry, ok? If you want to have any hope of getting her "in the mood" later you won't do this.

• Sugar-free chocolate. Personally, I don't like getting chocolate much anyway. Some girls do though, but it better be sugary goodness unless you are certain she's a diabetic.

• The double toilet. I can't believe something like this came up in my search. I think I can safely say I will NEVER be comfortable enough with someone to take a dump in front of them. Amazing. What's next? You gonna share magazines too? Keep a little mystery, folks.

• Self-help books. If I have to explain to you why this is a bad idea, you are an idiot. Please don't read my blog anymore. It will make you cry.

• A scale or any type of fitness equipment. Also a no-brainer. Never EVER tell your significant other he or she is fat.

• Elephant poo paper roses. No, I can't believe this exists either. It's gross and weird - just get her real ones.

• Carnations. Carnations suck.

• Jewelry made from your own bones. Yeah, I'm not kidding about this. There's a lab in the UK that can grow another bone using tissue you provide (as in, a bone sample - because we all have those lying around right?). It's all very Van Gogh, but a small price to pay in the name of love, right?

• The boyfriend pillow. She won't be fooled guys.

And the worst, worst, WORST Valentine gift the internet has to offer?

• Chastity belt lingerie. Yes that's right. First of all, it looks like something that was co-designed by Bret Michaels and Jabba the Hutt - I mean, what are those, wings? If I put this on, can I fly? Also, what is that clipped to the side? a beeper? No ladies, that is a GPS tracking system that a man can program and keep track of his girl.

Because all of us wear stuff like that under our clothes every day. Riiiiight.

Valentine's Day is a Hallmark holiday. If you celebrate it, that's great. If not, that's fine too. If you do decide to do the Valentine's thing and get your sweetie a little something, I'd say keep it simple and avoid the cliches. Steer clear of stuff that doesn't mean anything, or says "I figured I HAD to get you something so I stopped on the way home."

What am I going to miss about hanging out on this year's February 14th by myself? Spending time with someone I'm close to and who I care about. Having a romantic evening doesn't have to involve obligatory gifts or fluff. If anything, this is a day to show your significant other why you picked them, and why you are so happy they picked you.

(ps guys, if you are dating a slutty girl or a stripper, you should totally get her this)

OMG moments

Few things make me pause. But this week there are three things that I saw that I feel I need to talk about. Seriously folks, you need to see this. Since you read my blog, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that you, like me, are addicted to pop culture gossip and trash. There is no shame in it, just keep reading.

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Celebrity offender #1: Heidi Montag

First, I want you all to know that I think Heidi Montag is the worst girl ever.... and you know what? having someone I despise justify my hatred by doing something absolutely shallow and moronic for the new year is better than five hundred cheeseburgers.

So here's Heidi, in a nutshell. She's a self-proclaimed celebrity, artist and "reality" tv star. Apparently she has a fashion line (heaven help us) and was in Playboy or something.

Last week, she told Entertainment Weekly that her new album, Superficial (ha!) will be comparable to Michael Jackson's Thriller. I'm dead serious. Apparently she has worked for three years and spent almost $2 million because she "wanted it to be back in the Thriller days, that kind of sound."

Lame. It was released for digital download last week and sold 658 copies. Here's your sign. I'm sure it's a wake-up after she predicted "I think in the first week we will definitely make our money back. ... The songs will make an impact in pop history. ... People haven't seen me as a pop star. I'm very excited for the world to see a new Heidi."

Well, let's take a look at the new Heidi shall we? Apparently she recently decided to give herself a little beauty boost by having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day. So I guess they redid her whole face, boobs, butt and polished it off with some good old fashioned liposuction. So without further ado, let's look at the new Heidi.

in 2006, before ANY surgeries:

in 2009, before the second set of surgeries:

and... NOW:

The best and most frightening part? None of it moves. Check this out. I like the part where she says her triple D sweater monkeys are still too small and she wants size H for Heidi. S would be a bit more honest for her I think - S for Stupid. Har har.

So Heidi, you plastic Barbie Doll, you are an idiot. I do enjoy hating you though. Also, allow me to predict your future:

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Celebrity offender #2: JWOWW from Jersey Shore

I don't know what two words I would use to describe MTV's Jersey Shore, or any of its cast, but I'm positive sexy and sophisticated aren't it. In fact, I would probably go with sticky and shiny.

ANYway, that's how JWoww's website, jwoww.com, describes her line of party clothes. A "line" that includes only one item - a slingshot top made of stretch fabric that barely covers nip. The site states that "Jenni has created the ultimate in fashionable clothing. She will be reinventing the term 'Sexy Sophisticated.' Not only will her line be 'Edgy' and 'Sexy' but it will make people of all ages and body types feel more confident in 'the scene.' The custom line will be limited and custom made to your body type."

That's right. Get out the boob tape ladies, because you too can look as tramp-tastic as JWoww.... and in a festive array of colors! I personally can't wait to get mine in the mail. I mean, it may be just what I need to class up my image and get a real quality man.

Well, who WOULDN'T want to take after this classy lady:

... and for the unreasonable price of $39.99, you can. Now just in case you were worried, the site also states that “You don’t want to be that person at the club that see’s [sic] someone else wearing the same thing.” Apparently these strips of fabric are tailored to fit you specifically. Nothing says versatile like cleavage-baring slutwear. Awesome.

If I start seeing these things around town I'm going to start carrying scissors.

Celebrity offender #3: Jennifer Love Hewitt

That's right. I saved the best for last. This week, goody-good Jennifer Love Hewitt made me pause. How did she do it? She taught me a new word.

Vagazzle.

Yes, you really want to know what that word means. You really, really do.

So Jennifer Love Hewitt was on George Lopez the other night promoting her new book or something, and apparently there is a whole chapter on vagazzling. Yeah. Her explanation:

“After a breakup a friend of mine Swarovski-crystaled my ‘precious lady’ and it shined like a disco ball. So I have a whole chapter about how ladies should vagazzle their va-jay-jays.” (check out the whole interview here. It's quite entertaining)

Wow. Swarovski should totally hire her. This is a whole new trend of vagina fashion! I was intrigued, so for the sake of um, science I decided to try it.

Ok perverts, not gonna post photos of my ladyparts here, this is not that type of blog. I decided the best way to illustrate vagazzling visually was to Swarovski crystal my nose. So here we go.

Step #1: Supplies. Swarovski crystals and spirit gum, left over from Halloween.

Step #2: Before photo. Note the sexy duck face.

Step #3: Start gluing crystals to the "area."

Step #4: Disco ball!

Ok, so after this experience I have some advice for anyone who wants to hop on this trend. Don't use red down there, it will just look icky. Also, be careful not to glue anything um, together with the spirit gum. Trust me on that one.

Also make sure you have spirit gum remover.

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Well there you go. Three things that made me pause this week. We had the Barbie doll, the tramp and the girl next door. Yep, I think that covers it.

Back in the DAY

Yeah I said it. I recently realized that like good cheese, I have aged. With age comes the right to use phrases like "back in the day" with pride and panache. I plan to maximize on this starting right... now.

You see, my "day" was a lot different from the way things are now. We had one TV in my house. ONE. It had a 13" screen, a pull knob and stylish woodgrain casing. We had no cable. Whenever we wanted to watch a movie, we rented the VCR along with it. We had phones that were attached to the wall with a curly cord, and people used it to TALK, not type in some kind of freak shorthand that I still cant understand LOL.

Back then, cartoons were GOOD. Yeah I said it. None of this 3-d computer animation bullshit. Talented people drew them. Heck yeah. We had He-Man and She-Ra, and by the power of Grayskull, I had the power! We had Inspector Gadget, Transformers, the Smurfs and my favorite, Thunder Cats! Back then, movies like Who Framed Roger Rabbit and Terminator 2 were revolutionary. I had a crush on Zack Morris, and tried to copy Lisa Turtle's style. That's right, big sleeves and big hair.

Arnold wasn't the governor of anything but awesomeness. I wanted to live at Fraggle Rock, and learn to "wax on, wax off" with Mr. Miyagi.

I had a Bedazzler. I bedazzled the shit out of everything I owned, then took it to another level with neon puff paint and glitter pens. We're talking jackets, hats, shoes, backpack .... anything I could get ahold of. I was AWESOME at pinball. My brother and I could build a lego city or a bedsheet fort that would blow your mind. In fact, we voluntarily chose play over TV......

Wheeeeew.... gotta catch my breath.

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So kids these days just don't understand what they are missing. Maybe it's because I didn't have access to a computer until I was 16 (dial-up internet connection too thankyouverymuch). Maybe it's because I would still pick Legos over surfing the 'Net. Maybe it's because I'm old...

But I feel the need to school you young punk kids on a couple of things. Here goes:

• Don't pick up a Bon Jovi t-shirt at a thrift store and call it "vintage." They've only been around since 1983. You're the one who hasn't been around that long. In fact, vintage style includes nothing from the 80s.

• Computer animation is not a cartoon. It is its own category. Bugs Bunny is a cartoon. Jimmy Neutron is not.

• Texting is not typing. Learn to spell and get some grammar in your life. Please. Trust me, you'll need it someday when someone like me is interviewing you for a job.

• Duran Duran is not "dinosaur rock."

• Finally, my car is bigger than your skateboard, and you are not invincible.

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Ok, it's time for me to go back to my easy chair and snifter of aged scotch. I'll probably drift off to sleep muttering the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song ... I'm sure tonight I'll dream of that simpler time back in the day, when slap bracelets were cool and there were only three Star Wars movies.....

And oh yeah, Michael Jackson was black. Boo-yah.

Booty pop ... a true underdog story

Ladies and gentlemen, I have a flat ass. Seriously, it's like a pancake. Also, I have enormous wide hips, cellulite and can't wear those super low jeans because there's a little roll on the side of my hips that hangs over.

Am I overweight? Nope. Not at all. But when I look in the mirror I do see a lot of room for improvement in my body. To me, a number on the scale does not mean health. What I've started to realize is that I'm going to have to bump up my daily physical activity if I want to look and feel better for myself. I may look healthy, but I have no muscle tone, and just about every inch of my body jiggles. Folks, it's time for a lifestyle makeover! I don't want my lack of activity to catch up with me as I get older and my metabolism slows down. I want to get into the habit of working fitness into my daily lifestyle so I stay healthy for a long time.

Plus it wouldn't hurt to look smokin' hot naked.

You can hide a lot with clothes. A wide belt or a tunic top can disguise jean overhang, heels can be a Wonderbra for your ass and elongate your legs... and then there are wonderful products like Spanx that let you live a complete lie. Believe me, I have the super-reinforced booty smoothing, tummy sucking thigh slimming super Spanx.

It's a hell of a lot easier to shimmy into reinforced spandex than it is to sweat to your ipod on a StairMaster 4 to 5 days a week, but at the end of the day I'd rather tell those nasty booty dimples to f*ck off permanently, wouldn't you?

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Step #1: Join a gym. Oh yeah, no brainer. I found one with a membership special that won't break the bank, and it's really close to the office so I don't have any excuses not to go.

Step #2: Get my cellulite-dimpled pancake ass into the gym. This part was easy.... the first day. I found out quickly that the only thing I really feel comfortable doing in there is running on the elliptical machine. Also, I have very few workout clothes that don't look like they've been chewed by wild animals. Ugh. I need help here.

Step #3: Buy new workout gear. Marshall's is the most glorious place on Earth. I hope my new Average Joe's t-shirt helps me reach a new level in my workouts. Yes, I resisted the sparkly leg warmers and matching sweat bands... sooooo Olivia Newton-John. Sigh.

Step #4: Get a trainer. Heck yeah I got a trainer. I fail at the gym harder than Whitney Houston fails at staying clean. Left to my own devices here, I will not succeed in my mission of fitness.

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So today was my first meeting with my new trainer. She seems pretty cool for someone who's about to kick my ass on a regular basis for the next year. Also, she's about half my size - that's not a fat vs fit joke either... she literally comes up to my boob. We look a bit like Shrek and Donkey.

I'm already hurting too, and I can't lift my arms. Tomorrow is gonna be an Advil day I'm sure. Also a cheeseburger day. My spidey sense is telling me I'm going to need a cheeseburger tomorrow.

Stay tuned for progress reports. I'm pretty excited about the new me, and I can't wait to see some results.

But if it doesn't work I'm going to have to take more drastic measures with my undergarments.

Advice for the advisors

I will never be an adult in the eyes of my parents. Their concept of me in 28 years has never changed - they insist that I don't know what is in my best interest when it comes to guys or housing or my job. I still get my language corrected and lectured on what kind of impression I leave on people. I mean SERIOUSLY? and they still wonder why I don't like coming home to visit..... Why would I voluntarily walk into that kind of attack?

It's PAINFUL. It's like dealing with bullies, you know? 5 years ago I went to the Honda dealer to look at buying the car I'd been leasing. I made the mistake of taking my dad, and drove off the lot in a brand new Civic I couldn't afford. Why? he put on more pressure than the salesman for me to buy a new car and I caved. I regretted it for all 5 years of payments, because I really couldn't afford them at all. I ended up putting some payments on my credit card (along with other bills) because I couldn't afford them. Now my credit card debt is pretty high and I'm having a hard time paying it down.

When anyone thinks they know what I should be doing or how I should be living better than I do, it upsets me. It either makes me feel like a failure, or it makes me feel like they don't know me... and instead of getting to know me they just attack attack attack... It's hard to feel that way about someone who raised me.

I know I'm judged more often than I'm understood. Want some examples? I spent the weekend at home helping out my mom while she was sick, so here's some of the advice I received:

• Go to church. You'll meet a nice christian man and church to marry. Because that is what you want. To get married and have babies and stay at home with them.

• Buy a house. You haven't bought one yet because you are lazy. You really want a house.

• Get a new job. You really need to do this. You hate your job and they don't appreciate you or pay you enough. You work too hard and too many hours and you're never going to move forward there.

• You really need to think about the impression you leave. You don't really like violent movies or anything with sex or bad words. That's not what you like. You don't like music that's a bad influence, loud or with dirty language, or people with tattoos or piercings. Think about what liking that stuff says about you.

• Maybe you should consider lowering your standards so you can get a boyfriend. Or maybe you are alone because your friends are the wrong kind of people and you are meeting the wrong kind of men.

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Ok, so I know this "advice" isn't coming from a malicious place. My parents are very conservative and in a lot of ways their world is very small. They think they are helping. What they need to realize is, I'm doing things for my life on my own time. Just because I complain about my job once in a while doesn't mean I hate it and want a new one. In fact, most days I love my job. Telling me what I do or don't like is condescending, and more often than not, WRONG. I make no apologies for my taste in movies, music, friends or men. It's insulting to me that my parents think I haven't thought about buying a house or finding someone special. It's insulting that they don't seem to think my timing is good enough.

I know I'm not the only what who deals with this type of thing from parents. Parents want their kids to be perfect, whatever their idea of perfection happens to be. For mine, it means happily married with a high-paying job and a house. Go to church every Sunday, and make plans to have children and maybe have a golden retriever....

I can't be the daughter of their dreams. If I were that person, I just wouldn't be happy. I know they haven't considered that maybe I don't want to own a house right now - it's not laziness, just practicality. I don't want to make the same mistake I made by buying that car I couldn't afford, but on a much bigger scale. That would be financially irresponsible. I've thought about it and looked into it, but the bottom line is that I don't want to live outside my means.... it could get me into a lot of trouble financially.

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Sometimes the people who know you best can help resolve things in your life that aren't going quite right. They can occasionally sense a problem before you even realize the potential for one, and offer solutions that can be lifesaving. It's one of the reasons that friends and family are so important - we need that network of support and insight, and sometimes need another point of view to gain perspective .....

.... but when I say sometimes, I mean it. If I need help, I'm going to ask for it.

People like to offer advice, because we like to think we have control, and answers. But unsolicited advice can be one of the most infuriating, demeaning and condescending things out there. None of us are perfect, and we don't need people breathing down our necks telling us how they think we are going wrong.

When my parents offer advice, sometimes I do have to shrug it off. Unsolicited advice from my parents comes from a place of love, so it helps to repeat that inside my head while I'm getting berated. Finally, the bottom line is that I don't have to use the advice, just tolerate it.

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I like to think I'm close with my family, especially my parents. It's frustrating to realize over and over that in many ways they want to keep an illusion of who I am rather than a reality. But all I have to remember to survive it is that they want what's best for me, even if it's a little misguided.

The Situation

Ok, so you know I'm no stranger to guilty pleasure TV. In my opinion though, no show is more trashy than MTV's Jersey Shore.

Now, I don't know how the show compares to the actual Jersey shore, but I know I've never seen so much blown-out hair, gold chains, leopard print spandex or orange skin in my life. Also, it's like they speak a whole different language... I've learned words like guido, guidette, juicehead, smoosh, fist-pump and Armani Exchange....

It's like the Real World on crack.

So here's the cast:

I'm seeing a visual theme here: spiky, potentially lethal hair on the guys, manicured eyebrows, billboard-sized douchebag tattoos and orange, orange skin. I'm also thinking they either live at the gym or take turns bench pressing that little fat girl. Speaking of her and the other skankarellas, I've never seen so much foul-mouthed, big-haired, scantily-clad trashiness in my life. I have to admit, seeing that little one get punched in the face was quite satisfying because every time she opens her mouth I am ashamed, on behalf of my gender.

ANYway, so I guess one of them had to go home for whatever reason, so I've compiled a list of people I deem suitable housemate replacements:

Guy Fieri, from The Food Network. He's got the hair, the jewelry, and loud mouth.... I bet he can fist-pump with the best of 'em.

Any of the Kardashians. Check the above photo out. 'Nuf said.

Frank the Entertainer, his parents, or any of his skanktarauge. Well, he DOES seem to be a chronic reality TV personality. Does the Jersey Shore house have a basement? He'll be right at home.

Matt LeBlanc. I hear he isn't doing anything right now.

Megan Fox. She's got dark hair, a sense of entitlement and diarrhea of the mouth. Perfect!

Tiger Woods. Doesn't the fallen golf star claim Italian as one of his races? and I think we've all seen him fist-pump. We also know he likes to "smoosh" skanks....

John Gosselin. So what if he's not Italian? He fits all other Guido criteria.

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If you don't like stereotypes, don't cater to them. I mean, doing a reality show on MTV is ASKING FOR IT. So I'm calling it now - the guido and guidette will be top Halloween costumes this year .... and I'm actually considering it myself. I may rub cheetos all over to recreate Snooki's tangerine glow, and shop at the nearby stripper store for JWOWW's gold spandex tube top... I mean, there is nothing sexier than looking like a fluorescent emery board with nipples right??

Yeah, it will be hot as long as I don't make that ridiculous duck face.