First, I want you all to know that I think Heidi Montag is the worst girl ever.... and you know what? having someone I despise justify my hatred by doing something absolutely shallow and moronic for the new year is better than five hundred cheeseburgers.
So here's Heidi, in a nutshell. She's a self-proclaimed celebrity, artist and "reality" tv star. Apparently she has a fashion line (heaven help us) and was in Playboy or something.
Last week, she told Entertainment Weekly that her new album, Superficial (ha!) will be comparable to Michael Jackson's Thriller. I'm dead serious. Apparently she has worked for three years and spent almost $2 million because she "wanted it to be back in the Thriller days, that kind of sound."
Lame. It was released for digital download last week and sold 658 copies. Here's your sign. I'm sure it's a wake-up after she predicted "I think in the first week we will definitely make our money back. ... The songs will make an impact in pop history. ... People haven't seen me as a pop star. I'm very excited for the world to see a new Heidi."
Well, let's take a look at the new Heidi shall we? Apparently she recently decided to give herself a little beauty boost by having 10 plastic surgery procedures in one day. So I guess they redid her whole face, boobs, butt and polished it off with some good old fashioned liposuction. So without further ado, let's look at the new Heidi.
in 2006, before ANY surgeries:
in 2009, before the second set of surgeries:
and... NOW:
The best and most frightening part? None of it moves. Check this out. I like the part where she says her triple D sweater monkeys are still too small and she wants size H for Heidi. S would be a bit more honest for her I think - S for Stupid. Har har.
So Heidi, you plastic Barbie Doll, you are an idiot. I do enjoy hating you though. Also, allow me to predict your future:
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Celebrity offender #2: JWOWW from Jersey Shore
I don't know what two words I would use to describe MTV's Jersey Shore, or any of its cast, but I'm positive sexy and sophisticated aren't it. In fact, I would probably go with sticky and shiny.
ANYway, that's how JWoww's website, jwoww.com, describes her line of party clothes. A "line" that includes only one item - a slingshot top made of stretch fabric that barely covers nip. The site states that "Jenni has created the ultimate in fashionable clothing. She will be reinventing the term 'Sexy Sophisticated.' Not only will her line be 'Edgy' and 'Sexy' but it will make people of all ages and body types feel more confident in 'the scene.' The custom line will be limited and custom made to your body type."
That's right. Get out the boob tape ladies, because you too can look as tramp-tastic as JWoww.... and in a festive array of colors! I personally can't wait to get mine in the mail. I mean, it may be just what I need to class up my image and get a real quality man.
Well, who WOULDN'T want to take after this classy lady:
... and for the unreasonable price of $39.99, you can. Now just in case you were worried, the site also states that “You don’t want to be that person at the club that see’s [sic] someone else wearing the same thing.” Apparently these strips of fabric are tailored to fit you specifically. Nothing says versatile like cleavage-baring slutwear. Awesome.
If I start seeing these things around town I'm going to start carrying scissors.
Celebrity offender #3: Jennifer Love Hewitt
That's right. I saved the best for last. This week, goody-good Jennifer Love Hewitt made me pause. How did she do it? She taught me a new word.
Vagazzle.
Yes, you really want to know what that word means. You really, really do.
So Jennifer Love Hewitt was on George Lopez the other night promoting her new book or something, and apparently there is a whole chapter on vagazzling. Yeah. Her explanation:
“After a breakup a friend of mine Swarovski-crystaled my ‘precious lady’ and it shined like a disco ball. So I have a whole chapter about how ladies should vagazzle their va-jay-jays.” (check out the whole interview here. It's quite entertaining)
Wow. Swarovski should totally hire her. This is a whole new trend of vagina fashion! I was intrigued, so for the sake of um, science I decided to try it.
Ok perverts, not gonna post photos of my ladyparts here, this is not that type of blog. I decided the best way to illustrate vagazzling visually was to Swarovski crystal my nose. So here we go.
Step #1: Supplies. Swarovski crystals and spirit gum, left over from Halloween.
Step #2: Before photo. Note the sexy duck face.
Step #3: Start gluing crystals to the "area."
Step #4: Disco ball!
Ok, so after this experience I have some advice for anyone who wants to hop on this trend. Don't use red down there, it will just look icky. Also, be careful not to glue anything um, together with the spirit gum. Trust me on that one.
Also make sure you have spirit gum remover.
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Well there you go. Three things that made me pause this week. We had the Barbie doll, the tramp and the girl next door. Yep, I think that covers it.
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