I just made a trip to see a friend that required a few hours worth of plane travel. During my airport and airplane experience, I realized (not for the first time) that a percentage of my fellow passengers were at best inconsiderate assholes. I mean seriously, you'd think people wouldn't seemingly go out of their way to breed misery in their fellow passengers, but alas such behavior comes naturally to some.
Airports have a lot of rules. They are posted on signs everywhere (some even have PICTURES in case you are REALLY slow) and announced on intercom systems. But you know, as helpful as that is, there is a lot left to common sense. If I know anything about people, it is that about 1 in 4 are complete morons. I made my own rules of conduct for such people. I believe implementing and enforcing these rules would benefit passengers, airport and airline employees, and the business of air travel as a whole. Here goes:
• Don't think you are an exception to any of the rules the airports work so hard to enforce. I know you probably aren't planning on using your full size bottle of conditioner to blow up the plane, but if I have to fit all my liquid toiletries in a quart-sized Ziploc baggie then so do you. Don't hold up the line because you think you're special.
• Airport Starbucks are always busy. Put your iPhone down (yes I see that you are important enough to have one of those to check your email on every ten seconds) and order your effing coffee. Don't hold me up here. If you have been standing in line several minutes and it's finally your turn and you STILL have no idea what you want, I should be allowed to punch you, Chuck-Norris style.
• If you must stand still on the escalators or moving sidewalks, please move to the side so those of us who aren't lazy assholes can get by you.
• Pee before you get on the plane. Seriously.
• If your carry-on bag looks like I could fit in it, and you need three people to hoist it into the overhead bin, you probably should have checked it. If that shit falls on my head before, during or after the flight, I'm going to end up with a LOT of your money.
• Please please PLEASE don't eat foods before the flight that will make you fart. No one wants to sit smelling your beef for HOURS while it circulates through the cabin. It's gross. Think ahead, put the burrito down, and walk away. Turbulence outside the airplane is bad enough. We don't want it inside too.
• I don't know why airplane seats recline in the first place. We're already packed in the plane like effing sardines, and I'd really rather NOT sit through the whole flight with a stranger in my lap. If I'd wanted that, I'd have just gone to the strip club NEXT to the airport and avoided flying all together.
• Don't read my book over my shoulder. Get your own. Or read SkyMall. I don't care, just stay out of my space.
• Airplanes are NOT a good place to hang out with your baby. Let me let you in on a little secret about babies... when their ears pop, they CRY. A LOT. It is impossible to sit in an airplane seat with a baby in your arms and not get in the way of the people sitting next to you. Also, they come with more crap and accessories and bags than can fit in your standard overhead bin, not to mention if your bundle of joy craps itself everyone on the airplane has to deal with the stench ... I mean, do you really think people are oohing and aahing at your baby while you are making your way to your teeny tiny airline seat, probably in the MIDDLE of the aisle? Ok that was a stupid question - of course you do. Get it a pacifier and keep it out of my space bubble.
• If your kid is looking at me, kicking my seat, running around the cabin or making loud noises, that makes YOU the PARENT a total asshole. Howabout you practice some parenting skills and control to make the flight better for the irritated people who are now glaring at you. Strap your unruly spawn down in a seat and give it a coloring book asap.
• If you have to read aloud to yourself to get through the new Grisham novel, then maybe you shouldn't read on a plane. I have my own book, magazine or whatever to keep me entertained thankyouverymuch. Get an effing iPod or something.
• My shoulder is not a pillow if I don't know you.
• It's all fine and good to have a drink on the plane, but if it gets to a point where you can't control the volume of your voice and are hitting on the flight attendant, then you have probably had a wee bit too much, and should cut it out immediately. Also, get some gum.
• Even if the plane has touched down, you still have to wait for it to taxi in and stop. You have a few minutes to chillax so quit breathing in my ear because I'm not moving until people start getting off. Impatience will get you nowhere so sit your butt back on your seat and calm down.
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Air travel is bad enough as it is, with all the checkpoints, crowds and expenses. You have no choice but to be trapped in a small cramped space with strangers, breathing recirculated air and counting the minutes until your feel will be firmly on the ground once again. At least if people adhere to my helpful little bullet points up there, it will all be a little less unbearable.
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