Horror Films Saved My Life

I haven't told many people what drew me into horror movies. Maybe because the truth is so much less badass than I feel like it should be, or maybe I'm embarrassed or something.

Here's the truth: horror films saved my life.

I'm not being dramatic. The second part of that statement is: because I've battled depression for as long as I can remember. Hopefully I can explain this all so it makes sense. Be patient.

So here's the post that's taken me years to write. It's long. I have to say a lot of stuff.

I experience depression as a desert. I think a lot of people mistake it for sadness, but it has nothing to do with that. If you're just a chronically sad person, that's a whole different ballgame. I'm not one of those. Depression is a monotonous, grey wasteland where every damn day is the same and there is nothing to look forward to, nothing to want, and nothing to make me happy or excited. Sadness is an emotion, and from my experience, depression is just the feeling of having no feeling. It SUCKS. There's a bleakness to every day, and an eternity of sameness stretching out in front of you - nothing to feel, nothing to look forward to. Nothing will ever change. I will live every day just. like. that.

Many people have asked if I blame my upbringing. As far as the condition? No. I don't blame anyone. But really, my family's lack of understanding (or attempt at understanding) let me wander so far into the wasteland it's a miracle I ever found my way out. They almost lost me. I don't mean to rebellion or risky behavior either - I mean DEAD. I was so far gone that even though I understood death was still a wasteland, it could maybe be less bleak than what I was living in every day. I lost all consciousness that anything would happen to the world if I was gone - I just didn't want to be here anymore. 

I get really upset when people refer to suicide as selfish. If someone is at the point of attempting to take their own life, they're beyond thinking of themselves or anyone else. To them, it is the only option. It is the feeling that nothing will change and living each day is such hell that the only answer is to end it in that way. I've been there. It's lonely. You don't want it, but you're desperate. The selfish ones are those who turn a blind eye to their loved ones. This is where my family let me down. Thankfully, others did not and that's why I'm here today.

I was literally dragged to therapy. Literally. I was stuffed into a car by one of three amazing people and driven to see the  doctor sometimes as many as three times a week until things started improving. I remember the very moment I decided to stay alive - I relive it often. It was the toughest moment of my life. But I did, slowly but surely, with a lot of tough love and support, start digging out.

I need to make one thing clear: tough love does NOT mean telling someone to cheer up, or suck it up, or get over it. Those are the most damaging types of things you can ever say. Depressed people aren't broken or vying for attention, not if it's real. We don't need advice. We don't need anyone asking us what's wrong, because we don't usually know. Telling us to cheer up? It's just condescending. We aren't fucking sad. We don't really know what we are…we just don't like it.

So I started digging out in college. It was tough. I had to change my whole way of thinking to be able to start letting feeling in. I remember the first thing I started feeling was anger - acute, wretched and pointed at the people who I felt had been letting me down. But I could write a novel on that - and it would be so miserable no one would want to read it, so moving on…

Then I discovered horror movies.

Because I discovered fear. Fear is a very strong feeling. It brought me to life inside, and even the movies that didn't scare me brought with them fascination. It was something to be excited about and enchanted by. I fell in LOVE with things that go bump in the night, especially monsters. I wanted to be startled, shaken and shocked - I wanted the rush of the unexpected, the unknown and the unpleasant. I loved how uncomfortable these movies made me because THEY MADE ME FEEL SOMETHING. More importantly, they made me feel something that wasn't directed at anyone, because every other feeling I'd been experiencing was so horrible.

I give The Shining credit. Alien….massive credit. Evil Dead? Wonderful. I learned to laugh even while watching from between my fingers. Digging out of the depression hole has to be punctuated with moments of life like this, and moments of feeling. They make the next day seem worthwhile.

It's all about those moments of feeling for the rest of your life. I graduated college in 2003, and I still feel the wasteland over my shoulder every day. I also still feel a rush from monsters leaping out of dark shadows. It has become a form of therapy. It keeps my darkness at bay.

And that's the key. Find something you can turn to when you need to feel something. When you feel the wasteland pulling you in, find that thing that will fascinate you, even for a few moments.

I recently read the book Hyperbole and a Half (written by a blogger far more amazing than me) which was a hoot - but also made me laugh and cry at the same time. Why? Because the author's description of depression was perfect. She too, uses humor and wit to cope - to get what she needs to say out there, but wraps it in a life jacket of humor just in case it's too dark for its audience.

So really, if you hate what I just wrote or don't understand it or something, this is perfect: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

I didn't inject a lot of humor here. I'm not talented enough to know how, so I'm sorry for that. I wish I could have made this more enjoyable for whoever reads it.

If you're dealing with depression

I guess the message of all of this ranting is, if you can find your monster movie, you'll be ok. I'm pretty weird, so chances are your monster movie won't ACTUALLY be a monster movie. It might be books, or knitting, YouTube videos of baby animals or something outside. It will probably be unexpected, but that in itself is kinda cool. Therapists sometimes won't tell you that you'll live with depression always, but you will. You'll always know it's there. Some days will be bad, but many many MANY of them will be good too. You'll have things to look forward to, people who love you, and feelings. It takes work and that's hard, but you're strong enough to get to a good place. I'm happy now, and haven't taken any meds for over 7 years.

The worst Christmas movie ever.

Seriously. Like, ever.

Chick flicks can be ass-numbingly stupid. So can Christmas movies. These are facts. So if I'm blogging and calling it the worst ever, we've hit the jackpot. We've hit the perfect storm of bad decisions, annoying characters and ridiculous serendipity. Know how some movies are so bad they loop around back to good? Well, this one lapped itself back to awful.

Also I have no idea what it was called, so good luck not accidentally watching it. Sorry about that.

So here's the rundown. 

Girl is engaged to rich, distant guy. 

Girl is going to guy's parents' house for Christmas, and she's never met them.

Hot, charming guy spills coffee on girl at airport and ruins her phone. Dumbass should have had that shit in an Otterbox….smartphones don't just grow on trees you know.

Guy overhears girl telling someone who she's going to go see or something (I dunno I left the room to get a beer) and says "hey! that's my brother! I'll drive you!"

Girl is all "sure! I'll get in the car with you, strange person! what luck my fiancé is your brother!"

Girl ends up baking cookies and crap at the wrong house which would be HILARIOUS if it wasn't SO DUMB. Because if this had been real life she'd have been SO murdered by now.

So the dude she's supposedly engaged to comes in and everyone is all "OMIGOSH!" Because it's the wrong person.

Shit gets sorted out, fiancé gets girl and takes her to HIS house where SURPRISE! His family is awful and the house looks like a damn museum.

BUT WAIT.

Late in the night, a flashlight shines into girl's window. It's hot charming guy! He has STALKED HER TO THE HOUSE SHE'S STAYING IN AND IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT. So of course she decides to go for a walk with him on a deserted yet oddly well-lit trail. Again, so murdered. They have some mooshy moment and then an awkward fight moment and she walks back to the house, in the middle of the night, by herself.

Then blah blah blah turns out fiancé is gonna be a multimillionaire, wants to help her have a bigger store (oh yeah, she has a store) and she breaks up with him, because clearly that sucks.

Ok fine, he did kinda suck. Everyone in this movie sucks, except maybe the grampa….but grampas are all awesome so whatever.

Then she goes running out of the house, down the deserted oddly lit trail, calling hot charming guy's name, and BOOM he's there AS IF BY MAGIC.

If magic were the same as stalking, that is.

Why is this dumb idiot not murdered yet?

Then they say "I love you" because clearly a day and a half plus the magic of Christmas is enough to use that word.

Oh and then there was some bullshit with a clock and fate and some crap. The End.

Know what's a good Christmas movie? DIE HARD.

Family Holidays are a minefield (part 3)

Heat-seeking old people

There are few situations where I am willing to wear shorts. This is mostly out of consideration for other people - if you look directly at my legs, you'll end up with some damaged retinas. So basically shorts are for camping, yard work, and Christmas.

Yeah I said Christmas. You know, that holiday that happens in the middle of winter?

Temperature outside: 36

Temperature inside: 82

Why?

OLD PEOPLE.

Right now, as I type, the elderly members are in the living room (aka the fiery bowels of hell) in sweaters, hats and wrapped in blankets like adorable wrinkled little burritos. By a fire, because wearing every piece of warm clothing in the house clearly isn't enough. They are clutching hot cups of tea and swearing at the arctic temperatures.

The rest of us? Tank tops and shorts baby, and we're still sweating like we've all just run 5 miles.

Ok that may be a lie, but only because if I ran 5 miles I'd be dead or at least in need of serious rescue.

I can't imagine what the electric bill will be, but right now the only thing I want to do is stand naked in the yard so by body will stop feeling like it's melting. I asked my mom if this is what it feels like to go through "the change" - she told me even hot flashes let up once in a while.

I guess even good circulation has its drawbacks sometimes. I'm gonna go take a cold shower for the next hour.

May your old people have better sweaters than mine. Merry Christmas.

Family Holidays are a minefield (part 2)

Sleeping arrangements

Oh here we go. I don't know about you, but in my family, big holidays involve everyone piling into one house for a few days. This means sleeping arrangements have a definite hierarchy, based on who you are in the family.

Mom gets a bed, grandma gets a bed, and whatever great-aunts or uncles show up get a bed. My married brother and his family get a room….

Ok the house is NOT that big and there are more people to go…so that's when we get a little um…creative.

Last year I slept in a closet. Seriously. They put an air mattress and a blanket in the upstairs closet with THROW PILLOWS. Because they RAN OUT OF REAL PILLOWS. I am at the bottom of the sleeping arrangement hierarchy. I don't even get a couch at Christmas. Single people in their 30s tend to get crammed into corners, wherever we fit.

-----

This year is different. My dad took pity on me and arranged for me to have a bedroom all to myself! I have to say, this has got to be one of the better Christmas presents I've ever been given. Ever. I now have a place to escape, write my dumb little blog post, and maybe even read a little. I even have a nice little view of the back yard!

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So last night I was so excited about my little Christmas bedroom oasis I went to bed way before anyone else. I just could not wait for downy, silent solitude. I read, fell asleep, so far so good.

I don't know what time I woke up. I first felt something against the back of my head, and somehow my feet were dangling off the bed and hitting the floor. What the…? I woke up enough to realize I was IN A BALL AT THE FOOT OF THE BED AND ABOUT TO FALL OUT. Now, I'm generally a fairly heavy sleeper, and I don't move around much, so this was pretty confusing. I rearranged myself in a normal position in the bed and fell back asleep.

It happened twice more before morning. Twice. More.

I came downstairs this morning and my parents asked how I slept. I said "great, but the weirdest thing happened…"

Before I could continue my dad started laughing. He said "you rolled to the bottom didn't you?"

Me: "YES. What the hell is wrong with that bed dad?"

Dad: "I put it on a slope. I like to sleep on a slope."

Me: "So I'm sleeping on a ramp? Why didn't you warn me?"

Dad: "I thought it would be funny not to."

Me: "Clearly."

Dad: "So can I have my room back?"

Me: "No way man. This was still the best night of Christmas sleep I've ever had."

The End. Merry Christmas. May you not have to sleep in a closet this year :)

Family holidays are a minefield

(part 1 of several parts because I'm just gonna keep doing them until I get bored with it)

OK so I need to preface this by saying I don't hate holidays. Any of them. Family holidays though, like Christmas, can be tough…ESPECIALLY if you're the family member with the weird color streaks in your hair and extra piercings. My family doesn't drink, swear, or stay single past 25. I guess I missed the memo.

They don't get me, but to their credit (I suppose) they try. Mostly though, that means they just hammer me with the same 5 questions over and over for a couple of days until I'm ready to either murder someone or come home.

My next blogposts offer nothing that's gonna change your life unless you really want to commiserate. It's just a lame question I'm stick of getting asked and how I'd respond to it if I could be honest with my family without making them cry. 

Here's the first question I'll inevitably get asked this year:

How's your love life?

The dreaded question my grandmother always asks me. The easy answer is "non existent"…of course then I have to face the look she gives me, like I've failed her or kicked a puppy. It's a true answer I guess, but too soft I think, for me. It would probably be the worst idea ever for me to look my grandma in the eyes and say "grandma, I'm an asshole. I'm an imperfect, snarky, train wreck. I frequently rocket between dancing and crying for no apparent reason. All I need is another imperfect, snarky asshole who accepts me for the mess that I am and can deal with my numerous flaws. So far, I haven't found him."

But it sucks to disappoint grandma. It feels like she's asking me "are you going to find someone to settle down with before I die?" I mean, no pressure or anything. In a lot of ways, I get it. By my age, my grandma had been married for years and had two children. So had almost all of her peers. My grandma had an unhappy marriage, but she stuck with him and worked to support a family and be a wife and mother. It's admirable and sad at the same time. Back then, people valued each other. It was a generation of gender roles and loyalty. People who got married stayed married. Now, it's completely different. Things like gender inequality are going away, but so is loyalty.

Harsh but true. People are dicks. Every last one of us. 

The rescue

I used to love whitewater. As a teenager I learned to read rapids and shoot them with the finesse of a professional. I even landed on the cover of a national magazine (Ok, ok don't be too impressed, it was Girl Scout Leader Weekly, but still) because of it. One of my most prized possessions was my whitewater canoe. It all represented a time of adrenaline, confidence and fun.

I've been in a kayak once. I probably don't have to tell you it's not the same as a canoe. It was cool though, and different. I felt no fear as I clumsily navigated a measly class 3 with my double-sided paddle. It was humbling - the skill set I had was nearly useless. I was enjoying trying to figure it all out though, but the thing about kayaks is they flip. It's easy to get out if you can't flip it back, you just need to have the presence of mind to pull the tab on your spray skirt while underwater. Inevitably I flipped my kayak, but when I did my head (yes, in a helmet) hit a rock and I guess the impact knocked me out. I was told later that the current dragged me about 20 feet before the guide got to me. I woke up on the bank with burning insides. I couldn't speak or think as I choked and wheezed and tried to catch breath. There was a crowd around me - it was the most surreal experience, and probably the most frightened I've ever been on my own behalf.

I've never gotten back into a kayak, but more than 15 years later, that guide and I are still friends. Why? Because people who know how to save each other are awesome people. People who will do so at the risk of themselves? There are no words. Those people deserve to run the world - they'd be good at it.

-----

In general though, I don't think it's fair to divide people into rescuers and rescuees. I'd rather just say there are people who care about each other and people who just care about themselves. If you're honest with yourself, you've probably spent time in both categories. I know I have. 

This is something I've been thinking about a lot, what it means to need help, ask for help, or give help. Take this next part for exactly what you paid for it, because I'm just trying to figure it all out.

I think sometimes there's a lot of pressure involved in helping others, and you can get so caught up in it you start to almost live through them. At that point it's exhausting and unhealthy. On the flip side, you can also easily fall into that victim mindset where you're constantly relying on the boost others can give you. As imperfect beings, we all need help at some point but we also need to know how to get ourselves going in a positive direction, no matter what.

Yes, helping each other and accepting help takes effort, but being dragged around by other people while you yourself are having issues is a whole other thing. 

Between October of 2011 and March of 2012 I experienced 2 layoffs, lost my apartment, and almost lost my mom. It was a rough time, and a time I never would have made it through without massive amounts of help, love and support from my friends. I was given a guest room to live in, freelance work so I could feed myself, and about a dozen shoulders to cry on. That support gave me the strength and momentum to get my shit together and get back on track. That's what good support does. It does not feed negativity or enable a victim mindset, it gives you strength. People who can help you find strength in yourself are the best kind of people. After being in one job and one apartment for 8 years, the transition I had to make was hard - many times I felt like it was a losing battle. So yes, I got myself together…but it was only because of my friends that I had the strength to do so. Friends don't let friends give up on themselves.

-----

When you get on a plane they tell you in a short pre-takeoff presentation that in an emergency, put your own oxygen on first. Help yourself so you can help the person next to you.

It's a numbers game….unless you don't know the difference between your and you're

Meeting people is tough. Meeting a decent guy to date? Tougher. The older I get, the less luck I seem to have meeting someone good. Men are like shopping carts - once you find one without a squeaky wheel, some other bitch is already pushing it around the store.

Sigh. I hate the dating game, and actually like being single. OK I don't mind being single. There are definitely ups and downs.

OK I'd really like to meet someone good and start a relationship.

I'll cut to the chase now. Sigh.

I joined an online dating site.

I have been in the world of online dating for 24 hours. I have received emails, comments on my photos, and something called "winks" which I believe to be first cousins with Facebook's "poking", one of the stupidest concepts ever if you are older than 12.

You can tell who's been on there a while with no luck because their profiles are decidedly grouchy and full of what other people are doing wrong. Yeah, because whining on a dating site is oh so attractive. I do see cause for frustration on some fronts though....but instead of putting them on my profile, I decided to list them here.

Even though I'm new to this, I have some suggestions for online daters....namely the men who's profiles I've been browsing. Follow these suggestions and you might have more luck guys:

• Don't post photos you took in the bathroom mirror. Bathrooms aren't sexy, and I can't see your face if your damn phone is in front of it. 

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

"Oh look at those abs! I don't mind the toilet and pile of laundry in the background as long as the rest of his face matches the 20% that isn't covered by his phone!"

• Use complete sentences, grammar and punctuation. I've been getting emails that are nothing but lower case streams of consciousness and it's ridiculous. "Ur" is not "your" and if you're trying to get me to go out with you, use a fucking capital letter once in a while. I'm not going to respond to something that looks ignorant and lazy that I'm going to have to decipher.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

"Wow you must have really wanted to talk to me quickly, since what you've sent is a frantic jumble of letters! How sweet!"

• Don't post photos that a girl has clearly been cut out of. Are you serious? There are way too many of these. Way. Too. Many. I'd almost prefer the bathroom photo.

The reaction you soooooo aren't getting from a girl:

"She's probably his sister."

• Listing yourself as "athletic build" when clearly the only sport you've played in a while is beer pong. That's not a 6-pack honey, it's a keg. No matter what you look like you can find someone, but if you lie that's another ballgame. Lying ain't sexy.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

Yeah I'm not gonna post a reaction for this one. Draw your own conclusions.

• Know how tall you actually are. It's common knowledge in the female world that men have a loose grasp on the concept of inches. I'm 6-0" and if I go on a date expecting a guy who's as tall or taller than me and he's actually more like 5-9"…..it's going to be awkward. My purse is big, but I can't fit a step stool in it.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

"I have to sit down when we kiss but that's ok."

• Don't post a photo from 10 years ago. Just don't. None of us look like we did 10 years ago and that's ok. Misrepresenting yourself in any way just isn't going to get you anywhere.

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I may be a snob here, but I don't want to just have dates. I want to meet a genuine person who holds himself to a high standard of honesty and integrity. When you meet someone in person you put your best foot forward and try to make a good impression, and to me it's important to do that online too.

xo.

It's a recession, bitches

Or, why I decided to move.

Last week I came home from the office to find slid under my apartment door not one, but two notices that my lease renewal is coming up due. Nothing unusual about that this time of year, except when I opened the first letter something stood out.

Glared at me like the motherfucking Sun.

My rent is going up $230 A MONTH.

I sat and stared at the paper in disbelief. $230? What the hell are they thinking? I live in a one bedroom with nothing nearby but the airport and the highway and they want to charge me more than a condo uptown?

Oh but it gets better.

The second letter offered what I know these people see as tasty options. First, if I renew I get an undisclosed gift from the office staff….my guess is farts in a jar. Second, I have the option to move to another apartment in the complex for only $150 more than I pay now. Oh how lovely.

Also the letters I was given had two different move-out dates. Obviously I'm dealing with some brilliant minds here.

Lucky me.

So notice to vacate needs to be presented to the leasing office in writing. I thought I'd share mine with you.

*ahem*

Dear Leasing Office Manager,

I have received notice that my lease is up for renewal in March. Thank you for your kind offer to stay, but I'm afraid I must decline and remain living in the real world where people have budgets and can't just pull money to pay a 30% rent increase out of their asses.

Don't get me wrong, your letter was very nice. Reminding me that you have a fitness center and a pool like every other apartment complex in the whole damn world was definitely a selling point. Should I mention the gym smells like an Occupy campsite in a rainstorm? You may want to check on that. Mold is a bitch to get out of cheap-ass carpet. Also, the free Wi-fi lobby for people who can't afford internet in their own apartment because you've jacked the rent up was a nice touch. I hope it's the size of Carlsbad Caverns.

I should also mention the things in my apartment that I've reported as needing maintenance, but your lovely staff just hasn't quite been able to fit into their busy schedule:

• The disposal in the kitchen: broken since November.
• The air conditioning: broken 6 or 7 times last summer, but was never quite fixed. Oopsie on your part, though I did enjoy the dump your maintenance goon took in MY bathroom. He was so considerate to turn on the fan and open a window.
• Lights burnt out in the bedroom closet, the bathroom (both above the sink and the ceiling) porch, hallway, and half the kitchen.
• The kitchen faucet…broken only recently, but why bother calling really? At this point turning on my sink with pliers takes less effort than talking to you nice people.

In case you haven't guessed by now, I'm moving the fuck out. Thanks for making my living situation over the past 8 years wonderfully mediocre.

Thanks,
Merissa

The Sound of Silence...zombies…and Led Zeppelin

Or - everyone is still on vacation but me.

Today I am the only person at work. I have nothing work-related to do. Nothing. It's quiet and cold and I can hear my hair growing, so today has definitely been one of those days where it pays to be able to amuse myself.

Hell, I even had extra energy because I got up early and drug my overly curvy ass to the gym before work. In the FREEZING COLD. So here, in a nutshell, was my day.

7:45am
Arrive at the gym. Sit in the locker room for 10 full minutes, coat on, waiting to thaw.

Go to an elliptical, set it for hills, 15 minutes, on level 8….which I ended up bumping down to level 5 after the first two minutes.

Get water.

Aimlessly wander around…eventually completing a full lap around the machines, do one set of assisted pull-ups.

Get water.

Motivate to do one set each of a couple of machines that look like they actually DO belong in a gym and not a Saw movie.

Get water.

Go to locker room, making sure to squeeze butt while walking, as an attempt to trick myself into thinking I'm exercising.

Shower, get ready for work.

9am (OK who am I kidding…9:15am):
Arrive at work. Sit in cubicle, coat on, for 20 minutes, staring at blank computer screen.

Get coffee. Loudly curse the person who has made a pot of decaf and not regular. Decaf coffee is the work of Vader, or possibly one of his minions.

Turn on computer. I still have my coat on….and add a blanket over my legs. At this point I am still convinced I will die of hypothermia, mostly because there is no one here to rescue me from such a fate by TURNING UP THE DAMN HEAT.

Check all three emails, Etsy page, bank account, Facebook and Twitter.

Do a lap around my floor, looking for humans.

11am:
I have cranked Zeppelin and am singing Misty Mountain Hop in my very best raspy rocker voice. An intern from the other side of the floor comes and asks me to please stop it. I ask him if he's the one who made the decaf coffee. He said no so I let him go unscathed.

I decide to do some online shopping for much needed bras and panties….taking full advantage of the fact that no one is around to see my screen.

Also by this point, I have to pee like a racehorse but don't want to unwrap from coat and blanket. Bah.

12:30pm:
I have ordered two bras, today's Livingsocial deal and some gourmet ketchup (don't judge me, it was on sale…also I shouldn't shop hungry) and am trying to decide whether or not I want to brave the cold for lunch.

I opt for no. Screw the cold, I'll eat here….a decision I immediately regret after completely hating the Lean Cuisine I had packed for myself.

2pm:
Because of lackluster gymming this morning, I decide to do 3 sets each of squats, dips, lunges and push-ups….and the effort leaves me panting on the floor and wondering how often they vacuum here.

Other than the intern, I still have yet to interact with any humans.

It's like a friggin zombie movie here, and deathly quiet. In fact, I take a moment out of what is turning into an extremely busy day to look outside for the decaying undead. No such luck.

Then I spend the next 20 minutes looking for my shoe, which I had kicked off to exercise….

3pm:
I am wrapped in my Snuggie and my blanket and wondering if we've hit some kind of freaky indoor ice age. I decide to pay bills like the responsible grownup that I am. I also renew my car registration, only 3 days late. Go me!

I check outside again for zombies. I still don't see any. They must be hiding.

4pm:
Don't mind me, just alternating between writing this blog post and checking outside for zombies. I have decided that my best course of action when they get here is to hook my staplers together to make staple-chucks. I'm a lot like the MacGyver of killin' zombies.

Or perhaps I should use my zombie whispering skills and make hoardes of undead my minions….keeping a New Year's resolution for once.

It's 4:45 now and I'm all caught up with myself.
Also I'm exhausted…that's probably a part of the hypothermia setting in.

Stay warm, folks. I'm outta here.

2011 can suck it

Yeah, that's right. I know I'm not alone in this. I know that this year my blog posts have attained the rarity of Haley's Comet, but I felt I needed to give 2011 one last great big verbal middle finger.

How am I gonna do that? By not talking about 2011.

I thought it would be more fun to move forward and share my list of resolutions for the new year, because I've decided this year will be the year of Merissa.

Resolutions for 2012: failure not an option on these, so buckle up.

#1 Lose 15 lbs.
Ok, ok I know what you're thinking….this is EVERYBODY'S resolution, every year, always. The thing is, I don't have a lot of trophy years left and I need to be able to make the best of 2012 by showing as much non-muffin-top skin as possible.

#2 Write a zombie-themed cookbook.
I feel this is a relatively untapped market. Why not combine my love of baking with my love of the decaying undead? It makes perfect sense to me…and I have a few ideas involving raspberry jam….

#3 Get a tan.
There has to be a way for me to do this. I'm sick of camera flashes reflecting off my face, making me look like a white pancake with eyes. I also have accepted that waiting for my freckles to connect is something I should completely give up on.

#4 Punch Katy Perry in the face.
I don't need to explain this one, and you know you want in on it. She's the only one who's heard that damn "Firework" song more than we have and she still thinks she's hot shit.

#5 Go to Pawn Stars.
Every time I watch that show I start wandering around my apartment looking for treasure. So far I have unearthed no Civil War firearms or Faberge brooches, but I remain optimistic. I did find a bugle in my closet that I predict to be worth almost $7. Also, I'd like to have a grouch-off with the Old Man.

#6 Read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Dude. Maybe the 3rd try is the charm. Reading that book is the mental equivalent of running through 3 feet of mud….but I can't let it beat me….not in 2012, bitch.

#7 Assemble those IKEA shelves I bought 2 years ago.
If you're laughing at this one, I dare you to come put these things together. I double dog dare you.

#8 Not get pregnant.
This is my standby resolution every year. In fact, I pop a couple of extra birth control pills into my mouth like tic-tacs every time I'm around someones screaming/wiggling/leaking bundle of joy. Also, I've corked my vagina. No tiny gingers for me (at least right now) thanks. I can't even keep a plant alive...

#9 Gain control of an army of Zombie minions.
It's best if you don't ask me why on this one…really better if you don't know.

#10 Get a tattoo.
I was gonna get a dragon, but I hear some other bitch did that already.

So that's my 2012 plan. Notice I didn't put any lame crap like "be more patient with my mother" or "stop putting peanut butter under my neighbor's doorknob" because let's face it, that junk just won't happen.

No matter what happened in 2011, I have a lot of hope that 2012 will be better. I'm sure there will be high points and low ones, but as long as I get to punch Katy Perry and control a horde of zombie minions I should be just fine.

Happy New Year everyone!

I don't know what percent I am

I'm feeling a little lost these days, and I know I'm not alone. A few weeks ago, I was informed that my job was being cut and as of Oct 28 I would become one of too many educated, hard-working Americans who are jobless. It was like being punched in the stomach.

So that day, what did I do? I activated my network of friends and professionals. I ran searches and asked everyone I knew to keep an eye out for positions I'd be interested in. I was active from the minute I could pull myself together. Finding a job right now is hard, but not impossible. It takes a ton of work. It takes diligence and it takes hope...and you know what? I was able to find things and get interviews. Ultimately there was a job for me before that deadly October 28 date arrived. Yes, I realize I was lucky, but I also worked very hard to find a job. I ended up with options.

Right now, a lot of people don't have options. Greed has taken over our country and crashed us into economic disaster. The job I had held for almost 8 years was a casualty, as well as the jobs of so many people in this country who have been laid off.

It's frustrating to see the state things are in. I find this Occupy movement frustrating too, and let me tell you why.

99% is a big number. Within that, there are people like me, who work and do what we can to make enough to survive. We fight for every cent in our pockets by working hard, gaining professional respect and making a name for ourselves...and when God forbid we're a victim of a layoff, we'll be able to find something else. We're frustrated by who has the power and the money (and by what has caused our economic downturn), but ultimately we fight to take care of ourselves in the best way we know how. We try desperately to make credit card payments and cut costs on living expenses whenever we can.

Also within the 99% are people like my parents. They have secure jobs, mortgages and take care of elderly relatives. Sure, their combined incomes allow them to be comfortable, but only if they watch spending and save for things like vacations or new furniture. They drive Hondas, not BMWs. They have a modest amount of debt. They aren't rich, but don't worry too much about money or losing their jobs.

Some people in the 99% have been unjustly evicted from their homes by banks. Some are stuck in a swirling vortex of debt that they can't get out of because of credit card rates, excessive loans, etc. There are single parents struggling with raising children and making ends meet.

For sure, much of what is happening in our economy is affecting those of us who can afford it the least, to all sorts of different degrees.

For everyone in this 99%, there is something about this economy effecting us that sucks.

But at Occupy, all i see is a bunch of the same type of people. I see a display of twentysomethings who look like they have rolled in dirt and smell awful. So I ask these kids, what if it works? What if your section of the 99% is heard and changes happen that herald an economic upturn? Do you really think you can put "Occupy Wall Street drum circle" on a resume?

Yes, the system needs to change in order for things to get better. We all know that. We all know the economy is in the shitter right now, with very little upward movement.

I think the heart of this movement is in the absolute right place, but I think the marketing stinks. If you want to facilitate change, speak the language of those you're trying to get through to. Recognize that the well-dressed broker you're shouting at as he exits the building has probably worked very hard to be where he is, and may be a part of the 99% himself.

I think Occupiers need to pick a new percentage. Those masses of campers are no more put-upon than the rest of us. The difference is that they think causing a ruckus instead of working hard and trying to improve their own situation will somehow facilitate change. Even if things improve economically, things like student loan debt don't go away unless you pay them off. In fact, things won't improve economically unless we, the 99% make it so by showing initiative, working, surviving, and slowly climbing out.

99% covers a lot of Americans. Some of us are motivated to survive. Struggling is a part of life - we shouldn't protest it, we should learn from it and work harder to be better. No country or set of rules or ideals is perfect. Don't expect it to be. Embrace what you can all do to make your own situation better. If everyone does that, good things will come for the country as a whole. There are a lot of good things about living in America. Freedom of speech is one of them. I would never disagree with a person's right to protest, but all I see in these demonstrations is a lost group of people who are asking the right questions but not listening for answers, some of which could come from themselves.

Because ultimately, out of everyone in this world, you have the most influence over yourself.

Just a quickie

The other day I received some startling news: Louis Vuitton has added condoms to their fall line-up. This is not a joke people. If you are horny and rich, this is the safe sex you always dreamed of.

Prepare to cash in what's left of your 401K, because these condoms cost $68 apiece. $68!?!?! Are you kidding me? I'm sure there's a joke about inflation in there somewhere....

Is there an optional shoulder strap?

Um, what recession?


I suppose you wear one of these bad boys when you don't want to come, you want to arrive, right? I bet Kanye has one on right now just for the hell of it, with a woman's blouse or something.

$68 eh? It seems like they were off on their price point by one dollar....or maybe it's $68 and one to grow on.....

...Or you can man up and go get a box of Trojans, instead of blowing your wad on one condom. Maybe she's gonna want to have sex more than once - and trust me, washing and reusing is not an option no matter what you paid.

So don't be the guy who can't rise to the occasion because he has buyers remorse.

OK I'm done here. These puns are making my face hurt. I will leave you with the only thing I possibly can to wrap this up:

Party time

Lately I've learned a lot about "you can't go back". I've learned there's no such thing as no regrets, and I've learned that nothing comes at me that I can't handle, one way or another.

Today is the last day of my 20s. It's strange, but when I say it like that I'm glad to leave this decade behind me. I think the 20s are just a long bridge you have to cross to get from childhood to adulthood. I feel like there is a stigma on 30. Like I need to be offended from now on when someone asks my age. I need to go buy a multivitamin with a silver label and I need to start flossing. My lady lumps are gonna start drooping if I don't hit the gym every damn day…

But rest assured, you will NEVER see me shopping at Coldwater Creek or Talbots. You can put a sweater set on my cold, dead body.

There's something awesome about starting a decade that doesn't involve college or first jobs or living with my parents. Jager bombs are no longer a part of my life. Ever. I'm 30 now, bitches. I know how to sip on a cocktail instead of sucking it hungrily through one of those its bitty straws. I can openly admit that I hate Red Bull and capri pants.

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times, and a groomsman once. I am not married. I don't want to be married right now.

I still have no idea how to hold a baby while standing up.

I can't say I'm not looking back and reflecting. I am. I think about the tests and triumphs of my 20s and thank God that they are past and have strengthened me for the road ahead. Life is hard no matter what age you are, but dealing with all of lifes obstacles AND trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in is horribly overwhelming.

Honestly, I think if you don't get tested in your 20s, you're doing it wrong. This is the decade of learning that will kick your ass. This is real. This is when you have to start taking care of your own shit, eh? I graduated college, got a job, bought a car… and learned what a budget really is.

In those distant early 20s, I remember days where all I wanted to do was die. I got past them. I celebrate those days now, as something that strengthened me. I celebrate the people who stood by me and helped bring me back, kept me alive…even though it would have been easier to give up and leave me to myself. What did I learn? How to put things into perspective, how to deal with the harshness of the real world, and most importantly, how to ask for help.

I learned about loss in my 20s. I learned that a person doesn't have to die for them to be gone. I learned how powerful prayer and the strength it gives you can be. I learned you can miss someone even if they're right in front of you, and sometimes you can't bring them back.

I learned self-motivation, and responsibility. I learned how to push myself to achieve real goals - goals that would give me satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment rather than just a good grade or a gold star. I'm still working on learning how to be on time for things, but I'm getting better.

I now know how it feels to be passed on for a promotion. It's the hardest thing in the world to keep your chin up after that and stay motivated…..hard to keep from feeling like a failure.

Not to be such a Debbie Downer, but life lessons are hard, there's no doubt about it. Most of us do a lot of growing and changing in our 20s…

But growth is self-improvement. I plan to always grow, learn, get wiser, stronger and tougher. Stagnance is death. I don't feel like I'm older, I feel like I'm better. I even have a gym membership now. Seriously, my ass is way smaller now than it was when I was 22.

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One of my harder lessons came recently, from someone I've been very close to for most of my 20s. Some mistakes have quite the butterfly effect, and for me, have led to broken heart, broken trust, and a lost friendship. Dealing with the person I've always gone to first for comfort no longer being there for me is something I don't have adequate words for. It hurts. Every day I get a little stronger, I cry a little less…I move forward. I try not to let this broken trust damage my friendships with other people.

I've been told by a couple of people that turning a milestone birthday is a chance to throw away badness and start fresh….and I don't agree. Though in many ways I'm looking back and remembering all that got me to this point in my life, thankful that those hard moments are past, I don't want to rush something that I have yet to suffer through. A birthday is not a reset button, it is a reminder that time is still moving with me, and I have to move forward.

I guess the biggest lesson of all is not to get too comfortable, eh? I'm sure I have a lot more regret ahead of me, from things I haven't done yet. I have things to feel and more lessons to learn. If there's one thing I've learned over the past decade, it's that I'm just a little bit stupid sometimes, like everyone else.

One thing that will be true forever though, is that I have a lot of amazing people around me. For my birthday, I celebrate surviving another year, and I celebrate the support system and the love that got me here. I celebrate all of you. Mwah!

Public Service Announcement: Shave your face

Dear men, women are not that hard to figure out. We like to be loved, valued, and we like to feel attractive. If you can do that for us, then you're probably on the right track, or have found someone awesome. Most of us women who are worth anything look for a man who will treat us right, rather than specific physical crap that's just gonna fade or sag. I like a man to take care of himself, but if you think your abs are more important than your brain, I would like to tell you from the bottom of my little ginger heart to just get bent and stop reading. We look for who you are, not what you look like, I promise.

There are exceptions to everything, and I'm gonna let you men in on one. You ready?

Women hate beards.

I was reading the headlines online a couple of days ago and there was a slideshow on CNN.com of the World Beard and Mustache Championship. I remember just assuming that all these men with this crazy shit growing out of their faces probably had given up sex altogether in favor of their facial hair. Crazy bastards.


Women hate beards.

We hate them. You grow a beard, you become a human Swiffer. You have face-velcro. Everything gets caught in your bristly face-hair like tiny little shipwrecks in a coral reef. You think we want to get our own pretty faces anywhere near that? No way. It's like making out with a Brillo pad, except nastier. I don't want yesterday's lunch smeared on me. Sorry. I'm allergic.

Not even Brad Pitt can make it look good. Ugh.

Sometimes scruff can be sexy. Some women like mustaches. No women like beards. None of us are attracted to beards. Actually, we aren't sure why guys like to grow them either. Seems like it would itch. You may be lucky enough to have a woman who will tolerate a beard, but let's face it, you probably met her when you didn't have one.

Think of it this way: men aren't attracted to women who grow out their leg hair. Hell, we don't even like growing it out, even though it's a pain to shave all the time because it feels disgusting. Beards don't make you look manly. They make you look lazy.

Bottom line: it makes you look older, dirty, and we can't see your face. If you're gonna let a little stubble grow in, that can be sexy but groom it and trim it so it doesn't get out of hand. You can still get your rugged, manly look without going overboard.

As for the rest of your face-hair options, don't do pencil-thin anything, ever, because it looks really really stupid. Make sure you have two eyebrows...

...and above all else, don't rock a toothbrush mustache. It seems like a no-brainer to not mimic Adolf fucking Hitler, but apparently no on told...


...Michael Jordan. Michael committed the most capital offense of facial hairdom. On a Hanes commercial. That is what I call a fail. I have nowhere to go from there so I guess this post is done.

The End.

Writer's block

I've been thinking for a while that it's about damn time for a new post, but I've really been lacking in the inspiration department lately. I don't know why, with all that's been whooshing around in the world over the past month or so, like...

The Royal Wedding.


Ugh. I don't understand what the obsession was with this. It's a wedding in another country of people I don't know. I wasn't invited, in fact if I ran into any of the Royal friggin Family on the street, I seriously doubt they'd give me the time of day. Honestly though, it wasn't the wedding itself that annoyed me. It was the incessant coverage and magazine covers and photos and updates and crap for MONTHS everywhere I turned. If I were the Royal couple I would have run off and eloped somewhere and then hid on a Greek island for a couple of weeks. Of course that sounds good to me because I have an actual job to escape from. What do they have to escape from? A castle? I can't even...

...oh well, at least this happened:


So you can drink your coffee out of a piece of history, kinda. OK no. But it's funny.

...and this:
Which is more weird than funny. Who HAS this stupid thing?

...and some chick wore this hat that I REALLY wanted to launch an Angry Bird through:


And then everyone else dressed like Easter eggs and wore Jimmy Choos. With the exception of Kate her sister and the Beckhams, no one was especially good looking either. If I'm going to get up at 4am to watch something on TV I want some pretty (I mean supermodel pretty) people to gawk at. Superficial but true. Judge all you want.

Ok what else?

I was extremely dismayed that shows were given to idiots like Audrina Partrige, and Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom (though I guess he doesn't have anything better to do now that the Mavs swept the Lakers... so why not make a stupid perfume with his enormous wife on national TV? Sure go ahead. Make your damn money).


Did I mention the Lakers got swept by the Mavericks in the Conference Semifinals? I'm sure Kobe is somewhere in a dark hotel room listlessly bouncing a basketball against the wall and listening to Snow Patrol or something. A single tear is rolling down his cheek. Good times. Get a ring Dirk, it's time.


Also people apparently like watching pregnant teenagers act like dumb assholes with their dumb asshole useless baby daddies. TV is also overloaded with Jersey Shore bullshit, Kendra, and that other blonde bimbo who used to change Hef's diapers.

This is her. Her name is not important.

Oh and they gave Kate Gosselin another shot at a TV show and apparently she yells a lot on national TV. Shocking. Her hair is still stupid. Even more shocking.


I mean if her hair got any faker it would be...


...tardy for the party. Don't go near an open flame with that thing.

On the political front (and speaking of stupid hair), Donald Trump has proved himself to be a total douche. While he was busy worrying about the President's birth certificate, which was none of his damn business anyway, President Obama was planning and ordering the attack and ultimately the death of America's #1 terrorist enemy. The Donald should go back to worrying about what people think of his hair, and how to keep Celebrity Apprentice ratings up now that Gary Busey is gone. Nobody cares that Star Jones had a fight with NeNe Leekes... no one even knows who NeNe Leekes is.


And Busey ended up a winner anyway, because I hear he was cast in the next Piranha 3-D movie. I can only assume he thinks he'll be playing a piranha...though I don't think I ever want to see his teeth in 3-D. Ever. That's too scary even for a horror buff like myself.


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OK, now all joking and ranting aside, parts of our country suffered serious tornado damage a couple of weeks ago. Six southern states were battered and people lost their lives, homes and businesses. Please remember these people in your thoughts and prayers, and give if you can to tornado relief. You can do so here.

We can all help

It never ceases to amaze me the good that disaster and tragedy brings out in people. On March 11, 2011 Japan was hit by a (literally) earth-shattering 8.9 earthquake, then a tsunami. These events caused destruction like nothing we've ever seen. Thousands are dead, many more are missing or hurt… and almost half a million people are homeless. Now on top of that, the country is facing a nuclear crisis.

The people of Japan need help rebuilding their homes and their lives, and it's been really awesome to see how many American people, companies and businesses have stepped up to help. It's inspiring. Japan has come to the aid of Hurricane Katrina victims, as well as other natural disaster victims and communities around the world. Now they need our help…. it is estimated the damage is over $180 billion.

If you haven't guessed already, this post is about helping with disaster relief in Japan. I've put together some easy ways to do just that.

Thanks to modern technology, it's so easy to donate money. You can donate from your phone, just with a simple text:

• American Red Cross. Text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation.
• Convoy of Hope, Inc. Text TSUNAMI to 50555 to give $10.
• GlobalGiving. Text JAPAN to 50555 to give $10.
• The Salvation Army. Text JAPAN to 80888 to make a $10 donation.
• International Medical Corps. Text MED to 80888 to give $10.
• Mercy Corps. Text MERCY to 25383 to donate $10.
• Save the Children. Text JAPAN or TSUNAMI to 20222 to donate $10.
• World Vision. Text 4JAPAN or 4TSUNAMI to 20222 to donate $10.
• To donate $10 through UNICEF, text JAPAN to 864233.

The American Red Cross is working with the Japanese Red Cross, and assisting the Japanese government in its response. You can donate to the Red Cross via text as listed above, or you can go to their website here. As of last Wednesday afternoon, the Red Cross had received $2.6 million through text messages and $47 million overall.

A donation to Samaritan's Purse will help them to distribute food, clean water, medicine, blankets, weatherproof plastic and other essentials to survivors. Last week, Samaritan's Purse delivered essential water purification equipment, because clean water has been one of the biggest shortages in Japan since the tsunami. The day after the quake, they sent over $200,000. From what I've read, Samaritan's Purse works to respond with essential supplies and equipment and support that the Japanese government is saying they need the most, so rest assured that your donation will count towards something vital to the survival of people who've lost everything and are clinging to life and hope.

If you donate on Crunchyroll.com, Crunchyroll will match your donation, so if you donate $10, $20 will go to Japan. Click HERE to donate.

On importfood.com you can purchase food to be sent to Japan. They are a small company and I love that they are doing this. They include a handwritten note in every box of food, written in Japanese that the box was a donation from the American people to help our friends. Love love love.

Shelter Box USA is sending boxes full of supplies, including shelter and blankets to the people of Japan who have lost their homes. You can easily donate, amounts even as little as $1, because every little bit helps.

There are also a few free ways to help:

"Like" Dog Bless You on Facebook, and $1 will be donated to the organization to help finance search and rescue dogs in Japan. Rescue dogs are finding people every day, and you can help with a single click of your mouse.

On YouTube, if you leave a positive comment on this video the maker of the video will donate 50 cents to help Japan.

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I could go on and on with ways people are helping. This is just scratching the surface. Sometimes it seems like all over the world, all humans are interested in doing is fighting each other. I hate that. I want to see more of this generosity and caring across cultures. I want to see all humans help each other. Whether you are able to donate $1 or $100, know you have helped someone who desperately needs it. I am so grateful to who I have listed in this post, and to the many more who are helping our brothers and sisters in Japan. You are wonderful.

Welcome to Earth

So right now aliens are invading our theaters, and I'm thinking… maybe I should write a movie post that doesn't involve my beloved zombies for a change. I am well-rounded enough in my tastes to do that… I think.

You see, there are two movies that I'm pretty excited about. This weekend, Battle: Los Angeles hit theaters, and Paul will start playing this Friday. I understand these are two very different movies but they have one thing in common: ALIENS.

I'll start with Battle: Los Angeles. I've been excited about this movie for months. I've watched every trailer, read updates and checked out movie stills. It. Looks. Awesome. Remember that feeling you had when the White House blew up in the Independence Day trailer? I got that same feeling with the first Battle: Los Angeles trailer. Unfortunately though folks, I'm not hearing good things about it. From the trailer, I'm seeing jaw-dropping effects and a plot line that looks reminiscent of an old-fashioned sci-fi movie about a catastrophic alien invasion intent on wiping out human kind. That is what I want to see. What I'm hearing from critics is that it's vapid eye-candy and little else. Honestly, even though it would be nice to have a little substance in a story that focuses around an alien invasion apocalypse, eye candy may be all I need from this. It looks like a blast and I can't wait to see it. Besides, it's not like Independence Day could ever be called the Citizen Kane of alien movies… it had Bill Pullman in it for shit's sake. Lighten up critics, and just enjoy it.


Now let's look at Paul. This one is a comedy. There is no catastrophic invasion, just one little green man who's escaped from Area 51. I love it already. First, look at the cast. It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who are the guys from one of my all-time favorite movies, Shaun of the Dead. The alien is voiced by Seth Rogen, and then you have Sigourney Weaver, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, Jeffrey Tambor and Jane Lynch. Awesome, right? I laugh my ass off whenever I see the trailer, and I intend to laugh even harder at the actual movie. Again, not Citizen Kane… but seriously what do you expect from a movie about an alien?

Which brings me to part two of this post. I definitely have favorites when it comes to little green men invading our little blue planet. Now, I could put true classics like the original War of the Worlds or Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind… and don't get me wrong those are GREAT movies… but I'd rather sit on my couch and watch something more fun. Here are my top 5 favorite aliens-on-Earth movies:

1. Predator 1987

In a word? Classic. In another word? Awesome. You've got a stealthy, invisible bad-ass alien creature vs none other than Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. In a fucking jungle. This movie is the ultimate in bad-ass. It's violent, has cheesy Schwarzenegger-esque one-liners, and takes us back to a time when there were real badasses out there in Hollywood, not pretty boys in their skinny jeans. You can't kick an alien's ass in skinny jeans… there just isn't enough mobility.

2. The Thing 1982

Bridging the gap between the horror and sci-fi genres, The Thing is a gross and creepy classic. First of all, you have Kurt Russell, a man's-man with epic hair. Then you have an alien parasitic creature that can take over and shape itself into any living thing. Throw in the subzero wasteland that is Antarctica and you've got some scary good times. I mean, how can you battle something if you don't know what it looks like… or who?

3. District 9 2009

Probably the last big alien invasion movie to come out, it was an instant favorite for me. In fact, I have stated numerous times that it was my favorite movie of 2009, beating out The Hangover, Iglourious Basterds and Avatar. Like many of the best sci-fi movies ever made, this one had a strong social message and theme, yet didn't come off as preachy. It came off as a warning. I felt strong emotions toward the characters and was on the edge of my seat the entire film, not just for the action sequences. The effects were flawlessly integrated with live action. It was just a masterpiece.

4. Independence Day 1996

I'd never seen anything like this movie when it came out. Loud, flashy, and completely over-the-top… and that's just the movie's star, WIll Smith. Hur. Hur. ANYway I still watch it every time it comes on, because you really can't have more fun watching a movie than with this one.

5. Mars Attacks 1996

Ok, for this one you either love it or hate it. I loved it, a great combination of spoofing on and paying homage to all the alien invasion movies that came before it… plus in has Jack Nicholson.

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Now, my favorite alien movies are the Alien franchise, but I couldn't include them because they take place in space and not on Earth. Sorry Dr. Ripley.