Public Service Announcement: Shave your face

Dear men, women are not that hard to figure out. We like to be loved, valued, and we like to feel attractive. If you can do that for us, then you're probably on the right track, or have found someone awesome. Most of us women who are worth anything look for a man who will treat us right, rather than specific physical crap that's just gonna fade or sag. I like a man to take care of himself, but if you think your abs are more important than your brain, I would like to tell you from the bottom of my little ginger heart to just get bent and stop reading. We look for who you are, not what you look like, I promise.

There are exceptions to everything, and I'm gonna let you men in on one. You ready?

Women hate beards.

I was reading the headlines online a couple of days ago and there was a slideshow on CNN.com of the World Beard and Mustache Championship. I remember just assuming that all these men with this crazy shit growing out of their faces probably had given up sex altogether in favor of their facial hair. Crazy bastards.


Women hate beards.

We hate them. You grow a beard, you become a human Swiffer. You have face-velcro. Everything gets caught in your bristly face-hair like tiny little shipwrecks in a coral reef. You think we want to get our own pretty faces anywhere near that? No way. It's like making out with a Brillo pad, except nastier. I don't want yesterday's lunch smeared on me. Sorry. I'm allergic.

Not even Brad Pitt can make it look good. Ugh.

Sometimes scruff can be sexy. Some women like mustaches. No women like beards. None of us are attracted to beards. Actually, we aren't sure why guys like to grow them either. Seems like it would itch. You may be lucky enough to have a woman who will tolerate a beard, but let's face it, you probably met her when you didn't have one.

Think of it this way: men aren't attracted to women who grow out their leg hair. Hell, we don't even like growing it out, even though it's a pain to shave all the time because it feels disgusting. Beards don't make you look manly. They make you look lazy.

Bottom line: it makes you look older, dirty, and we can't see your face. If you're gonna let a little stubble grow in, that can be sexy but groom it and trim it so it doesn't get out of hand. You can still get your rugged, manly look without going overboard.

As for the rest of your face-hair options, don't do pencil-thin anything, ever, because it looks really really stupid. Make sure you have two eyebrows...

...and above all else, don't rock a toothbrush mustache. It seems like a no-brainer to not mimic Adolf fucking Hitler, but apparently no on told...


...Michael Jordan. Michael committed the most capital offense of facial hairdom. On a Hanes commercial. That is what I call a fail. I have nowhere to go from there so I guess this post is done.

The End.