Something to scream about

Sometimes a photo is in fact, worth a thousand words. I was sent one today, and I gotta admit, it made me pause.... then it made me laugh really, really hard.

You see, with Halloween fast approaching many folks are scrambling to get a costume together. An obvious last-minute choice is someone who's been ripped apart by a non-specific superhuman or undead adversary. It's a good one too, I'm a big fan of flesh wounds, check it out:

For those of you interested in going the chewed-up victim or zombie route, let me point you in the right direction. Actually, let me point you in a direction, and you can judge for yourself whether or not you want to go there.

Target would like to help. In fact, you can choose between a variety of ready-made flesh wounds tailored to suit your needs. Including this one (you may want to cover the eyes of your children):

They probably should be selling it in a brown wrapper. Happy Halloween everybody!

Not-so-great expectations

Or...

Movies that are good despite Winona Ryder being in them.

I have to say, I love AMC's Fearfest. I am a junkie for scary, paranormal, freaky keep-you-on-the-edge-of-your-seat stuff. I love it. I love campy horror, cheesy horror, and most especially, the kind that makes you want to sleep with the lights on.

So you can really expect me to fill up my DVR to capacity in the week leading to Halloween.

Right now I am watching Bram Stoker's Dracula on Fearfest, which is a movie that I love dearly. As you probably know, Winona Ryder is one of the stars.... and not only does she have that permanent bewildered dumb expression throughout the movie, she has to do it all with a british accent. Now, you'd think that this would hurt an otherwise good movie, but somehow her wooden presence comes off as not too bad. It got me thinking, what else has she been in and managed to not ruin with her doe-eyed mediocrity?

I've already talked about Dracula, now here are some other movies I just can't hate, even though she's in them:

Lucas (1987)

Now this movie is just charming, and she makes a pretty adorable kid. So far so good.

Beetle Juice (1988)

I find myself completely unable to hate on 80s-90s Tim Burton, because back in the day he was awesome. Beetle Juice is a sweet story set in a whimsical setting that you totally believe while you are watching. It just knocks on the door of over-the-top, but there's still enough believability and heart that you get totally sucked in.

Edward Scissorhands (1990)

Ok this is one of my all-time favorite movies. Ever. As far as I'm concerned, Ryder was a prop in this movie. Yes, her character was important but she really didn't have to do much. I'll say it over and over again: back in the day, Tim Burton was amazing.

Reality Bites (1994)

This movie is sooooo 90s. I have to admit, I have a hard time explaining exactly why I like this one, because the characters are whiny and few are even all that likeable... but there's something about it that sucks me in, that I really dig. I mean, thats kind of how I feel about the 90s anyway, so.....

Girl, Interrupted (1999)

Angelina Jolie totally steals the show on this one. In fact, she may be the only reason this movie is any good, which is a testament to what she did with her role. Elizabeth Moss and Britanny Murphy are good in their parts too, definitely good supports to the story. As for Ryder, I wanted to slap her repeatedly during the movie. Her character was just frustrating, and barely came off as anything other than an animated doll.

The Darwin Awards (2006)

If you're watching this movie for the stellar acting, you're doing it wrong. This movie has about a zillion cameos and a completely wacky, over-the-top premise. Just enjoy it for the mind-popcorn that it is and move on.

Star Trek (2009)

Awesome movie, and I'm not even a trekkie. You probably don't even know Ryder is in this, it's such a small part.

-----

I guess awful is too strong of a word. She's not awful... she's just painfully mediocre and I can think of so many talented actresses who could have played these parts so much better. These movies aren't good because of her, they're good despite her. Sigh.

Okay I'll bite

Oh dear, sweet Ryan, I hate it when we fight like this. I had no idea when I threw down my little gauntlet that you'd take it so seriously. It's... adorable.

But let me say this. Getting into it with a ginger is not something for the faint of heart. Getting into it with a girl is treacherous. If you combine the two, well, you may not make it out alive. Are you sure you can handle it? And I must say, for someone who writes regularly on the failures and triumphs of today's cinematic efforts, you used a lot of photos to beef up that spirited post on what you claim to be some of your very favorite movies.

Is a photo worth 1000 words really? Well maybe, but if the first thing I see when I open your blog is a giant blank space with a little blue question mark, I'm not sure whether to scroll down or just move on, maybe check Facebook or something.

So already you start off at -1000. If this was Jeopardy, you'd be pretty screwed right off the bat.

But as I read, barring your little jab at the great John Hughes (what the hell, man? I'd look out for lightning if I were you), I find that I don't disagree with what your are saying for at least a few lines, until you call me a silly Ginger and refer to my opinion on Back to the Future Part II &III as bonkers...

Who says bonkers these days? -50.

Who argues with a hot girl? -100.

Then you use rottentomatoes.com and imdb.com, which I'll admit can support an argument for a film's merit, but really I think most of what appealed to people in those last two installations was the fact that they fell in love with Doc and Marty in the first movie.

And I'm only gonna say this once: Doc on LSD would pretty much be exactly the same, god bless him.

But hey, I'll give you 10 for effort. Yay you.

Now at this point I start to wonder if you are really enjoying a glass of wine (or the whole bottle) as you write because you just start saying crazy things.

Crispin Glover is the reason the movies were disappointing? You've gotta be kidding me. If they needed that character so bad, they'd have recast him. They did it for Jennifer and no one noticed or cared. That character, though key in the first movie, was a fairly unspectacular guy and could have been played by just about any random skinny white nerd.

I think you just wanted to put a photo of him surrounded by rats didn't you?

So for Back to the Future II, I say the parts that were actually IN the future were awesome, but the rest was just a stream of consciousness that was utterly forgettable.

And then Part III is in the old west? IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE.

Also, Mary Steenburgen is more annoying than that kid from The Santa Claus, which I also didn't like. But you probably loved it didn't you Ryan?

+20 for saying Mary Steenburgen was annoying.

-100 for liking The Santa Claus.

Finally, I haven't seen II and III in a while, but come on, don't you think I have better things to do with my time than watch mediocre sequels that just make me sad? Granted they weren't as bad as the Matrix sequels but I don't think me watching them again will prove anything to either of us.

Personally, I'd rather celebrate 80s movies that were awesome, not stew over what was less than.

If you were counting, here is your point total: -1220

I believe that's a FAIL.

Thank you for playing. I hope you have learned something today my dear.

Seacrest out.

Great Scott!

In case you haven't figured it out from some of my previous posts, I am a child of the 80s. They were a bright, delightful decade, and I mourn for those of you who missed them in all their acid-washed glory.

Yep. I love the 80s.

I love 80s movies. The 80s gave us some timeless gems, including The Terminator, Indiana Jones, Ghostbusters, The Goonies, Airplane!, Die Hard, Dirty Dancing, Rocky IV, Karate Kid, two of the three GOOD Star Wars movies and many many more.

The 80s gave us Back to the Future. Well, it gave us three of them but the first on is the only one I like. I was actually arguing with a friend over the trilogy recently because he thought I was crazy for not liking all three. Oh well, he has his own blog to sing the praises of one awesome movie and two painfully mediocre follow-ups.

You can catch his blog here. Your move Ryan. Don't make me call you yellow.


ANYway so correct me if I'm wrong, but every child of the 80s has seen Back to the Future, probably several dozen times. Every child of the 80s secretly wishes they drove a Delorean, and every child of the 80s remembers Marty McFly's Nike high tops that laced themselves up. I gotta admit, the part of Back to the Future II where they were actually IN the future was pretty bad ass. The shoes were bad ass... and I know every guy on this planet would love to have a pair of shoes that can lace themselves, am I right?


Well guys, now you can have them.

What?

Can it be?

Feast your eyes, baby. If you've got the green, you can have the shoes... and I'm talking THE shoes. The ones from the movie. So place your bids and let me know how it goes.

For the auction, click HERE.

Why I hate animal movies

Caution: spoilers in this post.

So this weekend some horse movie came out and everybody seems shocked that it didn't do very well in the box office (12.6 million in fact, and my guess is this movie will be hard pressed to make back its 35 million dollar budget).

But really, who cares. Obviously at least 80% of the people who are so shocked the movie didn't do well didn't go see it. They probably wisely decided to spend their $11 on a movie that won't bore them to tears, like The Social Network (Also, no one wants to see Diane Lane looking matronly.... I mean, come ON). I don't blame them, because animal movies suck.

Case in point: I actually Googled to see if the horse dies at the end of the movie. I shouldn't have to tell you why I did that. You know why. It's because in most animal movies the animal DIES, and then I cry. News flash: I don't like to cry at movies. It's embarrassing. People mock me for it. In fact, the only animal movies that I didn't cry during were Jaws, The Birds, Piranha 3-D and Cujo, for obvious reasons.

Also, it doesn't matter if it's real animals or cartoon ones. I remember seeing Bambi as a kid and having nightmares of his mother dying for weeks. Same goes for The Lion King and The Land Before Time (yes, that one counts). Disney sure does like to kill 'em off don't they?

Everyone I know who saw Marley & Me said they cried all the way through it... and then at the end? You guessed it. He effing DIES. Thanks Disney. You advertise the movie to be a comedy and so nobody brought tissues.

How about Old Yeller? He got rabies and his owner, a child, has to go shoot him. Yaaaaay. You go Disney! Making us cry since 1957. Good job.

So there's that. Animal movies = tearjerkers. I don't need to be reminded that beloved pets and animal friends die way too soon, and I most certainly don't need to see it on a 50-foot screen for $11 that I worked very hard to earn.

Then there's the ones that are just stupid. Like animals who talk. It's supposed to be cute I know, but come ON. I would rather eat a live jellyfish than watch two hours of talking animals trying to save the world or going on an epic journey or whatever. Dumb. And now they've even started doing them in 3-D animation so the animals can act like people too, instead of just sounding like them! Creepy. I mean, there was some movie last year about hamsters or something who were spies or whatever and I would seriously vomit in my mouth every time the preview came on. Now there's another one called The Guardians with talking owls and I have no idea what the hell it is about but I'm going to avoid it as diligently as I avoid my ex-boyfriends.

And really, who makes more crappy animal movies than anyone? Disney.

Ok, so I'm not a big fan of Disney (recently anyway) for a lot of reasons. First of all, Disney studios has the power to pretty much take anything and turn it to crap. My latest Disney-induced heartbreak came in the form of Alice in Wonderland... which had all the potential to be delightfully whimsical and creepy, only to be homogenized into something that was nothing if not disappointing. Goofy might be a good word here. Ugh. I'd give more examples but I don't have all day. It's as if Disney has this motto that everything they do has to be what, family-friendly? Funny? Appeal to everyone? Offend no one? Well in the process they're turning out movies that will either put me to sleep or give me diabetes.... but I'm getting off topic here.

The point I'm making here is this: go see a movie with people in it. They're way less likely to break your heart, make you cry, or remind you that mortality can't be controlled.

Merchandising, Legos and carbonite

Those of you who know me have realized by now that I'm a little bit of a nerd. I mean, when my yoga instructor misquoted Yoda the other day I corrected him (and was met with snickers instead of thanks, by the way).

Before the Star Wars franchise was prostituted by George Lucas in 1999 and turned into a cheap cartoonish shell of its former greatness, it represented some of the best movie-watching memories of my childhood. I'm sure (or at least I'm hoping) that many of you can relate.

Remember Han Solo? Of course you do, because he was awesome. On a scale of 1 to Indiana Jones Han solo was a 9.7, and quite possibly my first crush ever. So...

....I gotta admit, when Han Solo was frozen in carbonite, I was very upset. The scene moved me to my very core and thank goodness Leia rescued him, because I just don't know how I would have recovered and moved on with my life.

Sigh. Good times.

So today I was doing some online browsing on a couple of blogs and sites I follow, and found something truly special and brilliant:

Yes, that's exactly what you think it is. A Han Solo frozen-in-carbonite Lego Minifigure. I literally did three backflips out of sheer joy.....ok well I don't actually have the physical ability to do a backflip, but you get the idea. How wonderful to have such an important piece of cinematic pop culture immortalized by the greatest toy on Earth, a Lego! Tremendous.

It actually brought back a memory of something I'd been shown a while ago, and a little Google image search produced this:

That's right. Some guy made a life-sized model of Han Solo in carbonite out of Legos. Be impressed. Be very impressed.

SO....

I wondered what else is out there? Who else has used Han's chilly metallic fate to make a few bucks off Star Wars junkies like myself? So of course I did a little more Googling, and came up with the top 10 Han Solo frozen in carbonite merchandise available on the internet to anyone with a sense of humor and a PayPal account. I've already showed the Lego Minifigure, but here are the other 9:

#9

Han Solo Pop t-shirt

Because it's clever and funny and the only thing on my list that isn't gray.

#8

Han Solo throw blanket

Yes, it's ironic.

#7

Han Solo USB

Because they're making anything into a USB stick these days.

#6

Carbonite soap

In case you would like to clean yourself with a piece of movie greatness.

#5

Han Solo In carbonite swiveling bookshelf

A must-have for Star Wars collectible collectors. One side is a bookshelf for all your Star Wars memorabilia, and the other side is a life-sized block of shiny frozen greatness. See it in action here.

#4

Chocolate mold

Similar to the soap, but you can eat it so it's ranked higher.

#3

Han Solo cup

get it?

#2

Han Solo Adidas SL-72 sneakers

For the trendy geek. You may think this is a little much, until you see....

#1

Han Solo frozen in carbonite desk.

Some things just don't need to be commented on.

The multi-Milla fantasy

Resident Evil Afterlife came out this weekend. The very thought of my ass-kicking girl crush Alice serving justice to the Umbrella Corporation makes my heart beat faster...

Oh yeah. I've been waiting for this movie.

Remember how the last one ended? with a dramatic return to the laser death room, a mutant monster villain and an army of Alice clones? Siiiigh..... you really don't have to be a genius to figure out what happens next. It doesn't matter though. I don't love these movies because they're actually good movies. I love them because they're the ultimate guilty pleasure flicks for a zombie junkie like myself. You don't have to think, you just sit back and watch monsters and bad guys get their asses royally kicked by my girl. Bonus points for this installment bringing in super delicious Wentworth Miller.

There is no way I'm not gonna like this movie.

I wonder though, if James Cameron had the testicular fortitude to make any nasty comments about Afterlife like he did Piranha 3-D?

------

So I'm a HUGE fan of zombie films, and since I've been on a horror movie kick with my blogging I feel like it's appropriate to give my flesh-craving buddies a little shout-out. I haven't seen the new Resident Evil because I promised I'd wait and see it with my boyfriend, so I've put together a little zombie movie appetizer combo while I wait. Believe me, there is nothing like a nice little snack to whet your appetite before the main course.

Ok, so out of all my favorite zombie flicks, here are five I think you should probably watch to prepare your palate. Bear in mind that these may not be the "best" zombie movies I've ever seen, just the most fun. Enjoy:

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

Zombie movies were relatively bloodless before this one, which was completely revolutionary to the genre. This is the type of vision and creativity George Romero is capable of, and it's sad that his recent attempts at zombie flicks haven't even come close to making an impact on viewers that this one made. It was the first time in movie history that zombies were shown as scary, violent monsters - driven by a lust for flesh and not much else. It's cleverly written, well acted and delightfully gratuitous. I love this movie.

Planet Terror (2007)

There are lots of reasons I'd like to give Robert Rodriguez a big ole bear hug, and this movie is one of them. You want over-the-top comic book style action? You got it. You want a hot girl with a machine gun leg? You got it! You wanna see some gratuitously disgusting things happen to Quentin Tarantino? Watch this friggin movie. Do it.

Shaun of the Dead (2004)

This has the perfect balance of humor, human survival and realistic walking dead. Even though I'm convinced any fan of zombie films will love it, it's also a perfect movie for newbies to cut their teeth on. It's true to the genre, and funny without being too goofy. Also, who wouldn't want to hole up in a bar to wait for rescue? It makes perfect sense.

Zombieland (2009)

It came out a year ago and I've already seen it dozens of times. Dozens. There are very few movies that give me this much joy time and time again, but lemme tell you this one does. It's clever and witty and has just the right balance of humor and action... plus some of the ways zombies meet their end (hel-lo banjo to the face!) make me so happy I can't see straight. I won't spoil one of the greatest surprises, but there is a cameo that made me cheer out loud. I think even folks who aren't even fans of zombie movies will appreciate this one. It's America's answer to Shaun of the Dead... your move, Simon Pegg....

Resident Evil (2002)

Sigh. Of COURSE this made my top 5. It's a guilty pleasure for sure, but I'm a huge fan of Resident Evil movies and I'm not ashamed to say it. I enjoy the hell out of them. You may not know this, but the original script was written by George Romero, but was rejected and that's how Paul WS Anderson got the gig. I hate to betray the genre by saying it, but I feel like a Romero version of this movie would have destroyed the lightness that I enjoy so much. It's got a fun cast, slick action and even a decent plotline, especially for a movie based on a video game. I've seen the first three more times than I can count, and (as you know by now, duh) can't wait to see the latest!

------

Also check out:

28 Days Later (2002)

The only reason this movie didn't make my top 5 is that it isn't a true zombie movie. The "zombies" in this flick aren't reanimated corpses, they're humans infected by a virus. That said though, it's probably the scariest movie on my list, excepting maybe Dawn of the Dead, because it's the most convincing and plausible. Check it out, but don't watch it alone.

FIdo (2007)

Here's a new twist on an old story: after a zombie outbreak, a company finds a way to domesticate the undead and use them as servants or pets via a collar-type device. Set in 1950s suburbia, it's an odd mix of humor and social commentary...and believe it or not it leaves you feeling both peaceful and a little disturbed at the same time. Like the tagline on the poster says, "Good dead are hard to find". Sigh... it's so true...

Zombi 2 (or 'Zombie', 1979)

This movie is a fairly cut-and-paste zombie flick with few surprises. Two things though, got it on my list. Would you like to see the most disgusting slow-motion eye-gauging scene EVER? You can get that here. Howabout a zombie attacking a shark underwater? Friggin awesome. There's also a great scene of the dead rising from the earth that puts Michael Jackson's Thriller to shame. Yeah I said it....quit being so effing sensitive. That said though, I also hope you like latex and red food coloring because the gore (with few exceptions) is pretty cheesetastic.

Dead Alive (or 'Braindead', 1992)

Oh Peter Jackson, there are so many reasons to love you. Dead Alive is one of those reasons. This has got to be one of the most fun zombie movies ever made. Kung Fu priest? check. Lawnmower used as a zombie-chopping blender? check. Zombie baby wreaking havoc on the playground? check.

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Two words: fast zombies. I'm a big fan of the 1978 original version of this movie, but a budget and a few new ideas (hel-lo zombie baby!) just make it completely awesome. In fact, aside from it's shopping mall setting, it's a very different movie than the original. This may be the best zombie flick in existence, and if you haven't seen it, you need to. Call me up, I'll hold your hand during the scary parts.

Day of the Dead (1985)

I know this isn't considered one of Romero's "masterpieces" because it was significantly less scary than its predecessors, Night of the Living Dead and Dawn of the Dead. It did have, however, a lot more heart in that it touched on what makes zombies tick, and that the walking dead were once human and some are still capable of holding on to part of their humanity. It goes a little deeper, but still has all that gore and violence and flesh-craving goodness we love in our undead.