Caution: spoilers in this post.
So this weekend some horse movie came out and everybody seems shocked that it didn't do very well in the box office (12.6 million in fact, and my guess is this movie will be hard pressed to make back its 35 million dollar budget).
But really, who cares. Obviously at least 80% of the people who are so shocked the movie didn't do well didn't go see it. They probably wisely decided to spend their $11 on a movie that won't bore them to tears, like The Social Network (Also, no one wants to see Diane Lane looking matronly.... I mean, come ON). I don't blame them, because animal movies suck.
Case in point: I actually Googled to see if the horse dies at the end of the movie. I shouldn't have to tell you why I did that. You know why. It's because in most animal movies the animal DIES, and then I cry. News flash: I don't like to cry at movies. It's embarrassing. People mock me for it. In fact, the only animal movies that I didn't cry during were Jaws, The Birds, Piranha 3-D and Cujo, for obvious reasons.
Also, it doesn't matter if it's real animals or cartoon ones. I remember seeing Bambi as a kid and having nightmares of his mother dying for weeks. Same goes for The Lion King and The Land Before Time (yes, that one counts). Disney sure does like to kill 'em off don't they?
Everyone I know who saw Marley & Me said they cried all the way through it... and then at the end? You guessed it. He effing DIES. Thanks Disney. You advertise the movie to be a comedy and so nobody brought tissues.
How about Old Yeller? He got rabies and his owner, a child, has to go shoot him. Yaaaaay. You go Disney! Making us cry since 1957. Good job.
So there's that. Animal movies = tearjerkers. I don't need to be reminded that beloved pets and animal friends die way too soon, and I most certainly don't need to see it on a 50-foot screen for $11 that I worked very hard to earn.
Then there's the ones that are just stupid. Like animals who talk. It's supposed to be cute I know, but come ON. I would rather eat a live jellyfish than watch two hours of talking animals trying to save the world or going on an epic journey or whatever. Dumb. And now they've even started doing them in 3-D animation so the animals can act like people too, instead of just sounding like them! Creepy. I mean, there was some movie last year about hamsters or something who were spies or whatever and I would seriously vomit in my mouth every time the preview came on. Now there's another one called The Guardians with talking owls and I have no idea what the hell it is about but I'm going to avoid it as diligently as I avoid my ex-boyfriends.
And really, who makes more crappy animal movies than anyone? Disney.
Ok, so I'm not a big fan of Disney (recently anyway) for a lot of reasons. First of all, Disney studios has the power to pretty much take anything and turn it to crap. My latest Disney-induced heartbreak came in the form of Alice in Wonderland... which had all the potential to be delightfully whimsical and creepy, only to be homogenized into something that was nothing if not disappointing. Goofy might be a good word here. Ugh. I'd give more examples but I don't have all day. It's as if Disney has this motto that everything they do has to be what, family-friendly? Funny? Appeal to everyone? Offend no one? Well in the process they're turning out movies that will either put me to sleep or give me diabetes.... but I'm getting off topic here.
The point I'm making here is this: go see a movie with people in it. They're way less likely to break your heart, make you cry, or remind you that mortality can't be controlled.
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