Another bad idea

Celebrities never disappoint when it comes to bad ideas. A-list, B-list, DDD-list, it doesn't matter. Take Heidi Montag, for example. She has had more bad ideas than she's had faces and yet she is STILL AROUND, and she is STILL FAMOUS.

Boooo.

For now though, Heidi, you and your plastic melons are off the hook - because there is only one thing that could possibly be worse than a b-list celebrity with a bad idea.... and that is a has-been celebrity who has one. Siiiigh. I must discuss.

Elizabeth Berkley.

Back in the day, Elizabeth was a star in one of my favorite shows growing up, Saved By the Bell. She was goody-good Jessica Spano. Kinda nerdy, kinda neurotic, but overall a pretty benign character with decent values. I really remember two things about her: she got addicted to caffeine pills and was taller than all the boys in school.

So I guess after leaving the show she tried to break into film, because the next thing anybody can remember, she's grinding her ladyslipper all over well, everything and everyone in a little movie called Showgirls. Yikes. Bipolar career anyone? I'll take "ways to shed your squeaky clean image for $500, Alex".....

Fast forward to today. I'm sitting in my cubicle working very very hard and someone sends me a link to a news story about... ta-DA!!! Elizabeth Berkley. I made my surprised face. It looked like this:

So here is what the link said, from the AP, straight up:

"NEW YORK — Elizabeth Berkley is ready to take your question.

The actress will be writing "Ask Elizabeth," a "a self-esteem handbook for teen girls" based on questions she has been asked over the years.

G.P. Putnam's Sons Books for Young Readers announced Tuesday that it expects to release the book next spring. It's an imprint of Penguin Young Readers Group."

and from USA Today:

"Elizabeth Berkley, 37, wants to empower girls.

She will be writing Ask Elizabeth: Real Answers to Everything You Secretly Wanted to Ask About Love, Friends, Your Body…And Life in General...

... Elizabeth is also launching a monthly "Ask-Elizabeth" column on Oprah.com in April 2010."

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Hmmmmmm. I don't know what to make of this. I had to think about it for a second:

Ok, this is a little much from someone who was so hell-bent on destroying her wholesome image with an NC-17 movie. It's a little like Kate Gosselin giving hair advice.

Things I really hope young girls aren't asking Elizabeth Berkley about:

How to act your way out of a paper bag (although the um, 'dancing' was very convincing)

Caffeine pills

Kissing Mario Lopez (ewwwwww)

Stripping

How to cook a steak

Why PETA is a good idea

What the hell happened to Dustin Diamond

Is Mario Lopez's hair crunchy or greasy

Things it's probably ok to ask her about:

Kissing Mark-Paul Gossellar

How often to water a dress made of lettuce

What the hell happened to Lark Voorhies

Cubs or White Sox

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I dunno. I'm just having trouble believing that much grounded advice can come in this package:

I suppose I may be wrong. Yeah, me and the guys at work laughed at the article today and made jokes about the racy scenes in Showgirls vs. self esteem, but the movie did come out way back in 1995. I have no idea what she's been up to since then, so part of me thinks maybe I've judged a little harshly.

Either way though, you need more than a vagina and name recognition to be able to give good advice to young girls. I'm sure she means well, but I'm still filing this under "bad idea."

Dollars at work

Ahhhhh money. I never have enough of it, can't seem to manage it and it keeps disappearing from my account faster that Tim Tebow is going to disappear into the NFL.

Just when I think I have a little extra, some unforseen (and usually unpleasant) expense inevitably swoops in to claim it. I mean, life is expensive enough without all this extra random crap that seems so intent on sucking my savings dry......

... and I KNOW you feel me on this. Just recently I left the dentist suffering from some pretty acute anxiety over the bill I was racking up there and my engine light came on. There are out of town weddings to attend, medical expenses, and let's not EVEN talk about how badly my carpet needs to be shampooed or my couch needs to be re-covered.

ugh.

I want a savings account. I want to be able to buy a house before I'm 50. I want to sign up for a 401-K but still be able to put food on my table. I want to be able to buy name-brand tampons without being racked with guilt at the expense.

UGH.

So often enough I think to myself: "what can I do to make my money situation better?"

I've written often enough in this blog about ways I'm trying to improve myself and my life. I'm tackling health, fitness and relationships, so why not work on developing smart money habits too. For starters, I did what I always do when I want to tackle a problem:

I Googled it.

You know, Google is really only helpful if you either need something really specific, really general, or a photo of Justin Bieber (why is that name in my head?).... so onto plan B.

I wrote down my super grown-up financial goals (yeah me!):

• Pay off credit card debt
• Have a reserve for unforseen expenses
• Have a savings account that I contribute to each month
• Sign up for a 401-K
• Save for a down payment on a house
• Be able to afford vacations, friends' weddings and other extra yet significant expenses without going on a diet that consists exclusively of Wonderbread and Ramen.

Ok, so the amount of money that goes into my account each month is pretty much the same every time. On occasion, I'll have the opportunity to make something extra, but not regularly enough that I can rely on that as part of my income. So my spidey sense is telling me that something's gonna have to give.

What can I cut back on? Hmmmm

• I can bring more lunches to work. I usually end up eating lunch out, which adds up.
• Maybe, just maybe I don't need 6 different kinds of shampoo in my shower...
• Nickel and dime expenses - like lattes, iTunes, etc.... a dollar here and there adds up.
• Quit buying stuff I don't really need - even if it's on sale.

I dunno. This list was harder than the first. I'm not sure where my money goes, so I'm going to write down every dollar I spend for the next month and see if anything stands out. In a lot of ways I live very cheaply, but I know there are some things that I do with my money that aren't terribly brilliant. The first step I think, is to acknowledge what my bad tendencies are and try and change them. It's kind of like going on a diet I think.

But I guess the thing about sacrifices is, they allow for bigger and better things in the long run. As a whole, our country has nurtured a culture of greed and overspending.... and now look where we are. I don't want to fall any further into that rabbit hole of thinking that I can have anything I want, because I can't. No, that's not what my credit card is for. Used properly, it is a valuable survival tool, not a means to get those designer jeans I've been wanting oh-so-much.

Ok stay tuned. This is not gonna be fun - but sometimes worthwhile things aren't.

Like The Little Engine That Could said: I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can.... I think I can....

Ga Ga oooh la la

It always happens when you least expect it. Maybe you're driving down the road not completely paying attention to what's on the radio....

Maybe you can't remember where you heard it. Maybe, just maybe it played for 20 seconds in a commercial, which is just long enough for it's spidery fingers to reach deep into your brain and take hold.... wrapping around your subconscious like the warmest zebra print Snuggie....

You've been singing the same song in your head for four hours and you didn't realize it until.....

RIGHT

JUST

NOW.

Now the important thing to realize is, that panicking will just make it worse.

Stupid sexy pop music!

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I can't tell you how many times this has happened to me. A catchy song can stay in my head for hours, days, and sometimes it will grow such deep roots it will stick around for WEEKS. The worst part? It's never the whole song is it? It's little pieces here and there!

So I've had Lady GaGa's "Bad Romance" stuck in my head since oh, say FEBRUARY. This morning I caught myself singing rah rah ooh la la while getting coffee and thought to myself:

"OK, I KNOW I LIKE THIS SONG, BUT WHY CAN'T I GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD?"

NO idea. It's still there. I have no solution. I ask questions with no answers sometimes and you're gonna have to deal with it.

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But all this head-singing got me to thinking about what songs get in my head and really stick. Since you know how much I love lists, I bet you know what's coming next....

My top 50 stuck-in-head songs (other than Bad Romance, obviously). For the Top 10 click the song title to get the video:

• Chumbawumba, Tubthumping

• Beyonce, All the Single Ladies (which I hear is one of the greatest videos of ALL TIME! ALL TIME!)

• KT Tunstall, Suddenly I See

• Bloodhound Gang, Bad Touch

• Deep Blue Something, Breakfast at Tiffany's

• Aqua, Barbie Girl

• Ace of Base, The Sign

• Black Eyed Peas, My Humps

• Gwen Stefani, Hollaback Girl

• Lady GaGa, Poker Face

• Fergie, Fergalicious

• Spice Girls, Wannabe

• *Nsync, Bye Bye Bye

• Proclaimers, 500 Miles

• Fountains of Wayne, Stacy's Mom

• Def Leppard, Pour Some Sugar On Me

• ABBA, Dancing Queen

• Usher, YEAH

• The Beatles, Yellow Submarine

• Toto, Africa

• Flo Rida, Low

• The Village People, YMCA

• Baha Men, Who Let the Dogs Out?

• Nancy Sinatra, These Boots are Made for Walking

• Hanson, MMMBop

• Shaggy, It Wasn't Me

• Falco, Amadeus

• Right Said Fred, I'm Too Sexy

• Dexy's Midnight Runners, Come on Eileen

• Eddie Money, Two Tickets to Paradise

• Gloria Gaynor, I WIll Survive

• New Kids on the Block, The Right Stuff

• Rihanna, Umbrella

• Billy Ray Cyrus, Achy Breaky Heart

• Ke$ha, Tik Tok

• The Foundations, Build Me Up Buttercup

• Plain White T's, Hey There Delilah

• Charlie Daniels, The Devil Went Down to Georgia

• Britney Spears, Hit Me Baby One More Time

• Nickelback, Rockstar

• Tom Petty, Free Fallin'

• Timbaland & One Republic, Apologize

• Europe, The Final Countdown

• Nelly, Hot in Herre

• Alanis Morissette, Ironic

• Lou Bega, Mambo #5

• Sir Mix-A-Lot, Baby Got Back

• Starship, We Built This City

• Toni Basil, Mickey

• Jackson 5, ABC

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Oh yes, I know what I've just done. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

You're welcome.

Drive me crazy

Once, just ONCE, I'd like to drive to work without having a near death experience. Every day I get in my car, pray I get to work safely, start it up, and spend the next 20 minutes honing my evasive maneuver skill set. Now, since I know there aren't THAT many drunk drivers on the road at 8:30 in the morning, I can only assume that this chaos is the result of good old-fashioned stupidity.

Allow me to break it down for you. Next time you are on the road, check your mirrors for:

The distracted driver

These people crane their neck at EVERYTHING. They will drift over into your lane at random, because their eyes are never on the road in front of them. Their speed is about as consistent as your golf game (and if you're honest with yourself, you'll know what I'm talking about). Heaven forbid one of these darling specimens of driving delinquency should see an accident - if that happens, look out! Expect brakes, neck-craning, and stay as far away from it as you possibly can.

The Barbie doll

Women who won't get up 10 minutes earlier so they have enough time to puff, gloss, lipstick and shellac their faces into place. I loathe these women. You know you've seen them - mascara tube in their steering hand, one eye in the rearview mirror, precariously yet carefully applying coat after coat to spidery lashes. Bonus points if she's on the phone too ...

The pace car

People who cruise exactly at or below the speed limit. These sweeties wouldn't bother me at all, if they stayed in the right lane, but alas they seem to prefer the passing lane. Usually, these folks have to be passed on the right, because they are oblivious to the fact that they are in the way. A lot of these people are old and tiny and can barely see over the steering wheel of their caddie. I say, if you can afford a $50,000 land yacht, you can afford a Civic and a driver. Your choice.

The butthead

This one is simple enough. Drivers who are constantly flicking cigarette butts and ash out the window. Bonus points if these lovely litterers drive a Hybrid car. Occasionally justice is served and the butt blows back into their car ... a little justice served by nature. Bravo.

The brake bozo

OOOOh. These are the WORST. They brake for EVERYTHING. Brake bozos will slam on the brakes every time they see an officer, whether they were speeding or not. They brake for other things too, and are responsible for rear-end accidents nationwide. Many times brake bozos are also....

The timid merger

I don't know who taught these idiots how to drive, but I was always told that when you're on a ramp approaching the highway, you get up to speed, find an opening in the traffic, and merge on over. Apparently some people are told to slam on brakes at the end of the ramp and come to a complete stop, then ease on over into 60mph+ traffic going 20-30mph. Bonus if they're so stressed out by having to (gasp!) merge onto the effing highway, they forget to signal.

The happy couple

Not really a hazard unless they're fooling around in the car, but for some reason I always want to ram them.

The soccer mom

Where do I start with this one? Whether it be a minivan, a giant SUV or a station wagon, the soccer mom is a force on the road and should be avoided at all cost. She's always fishing for something that has been dropped on the floor, detangling fighting kids in the backseat, or communicating with other soccer moms via ancient cell phone about I dunno, soccer mom stuff. She drives with "caution" meaning slow, timid, yet not entirely focused on the road, given the distractions she has inflicted on herself by breeding.

The weaver

It's called a blinker and it's been installed in your car for a reason. There is nothing worse than someone who thinks they can just float from lane to lane, sometimes even driving right down the middle without a single attempt at signaling.... and no, I don't count the middle finger as a signal.

The Heidi Montag

These are the people who are addicted to modifying their vehicles so they end up looking like musclebound, roaring hunks of gleaming paint and metal instead of cars. These people almost always have some douchey vanity plate like S0 ADRBL, GYMT1M3 or CHERLDR. Expect the drivers of these monstrosities to either be steroid pumping lego men, or tiny over-primped, over-tan blonde girls in skinny jeans and Gucci sunglasses. Take note - neither can drive nor park worth shit.

Ooooooh the list just can go on and on, can't it? I mean, you have people who insist on backing into spaces, no matter how irrelevant it is. There are folks who cut you off without warning because they just HAVE to get over 4 lanes RIGHT JUST NOW. Have you ever been stuck behind a car that was on it's last leg I dunno, like 10 years ago and is now held together by duct tape and prayer? Howabout someone who's taking their sweet time UNTIL you try to pass them?

Still think nothing on this list applies to you? We're all guilty of asshole behavior on the road at some point. You know as well as I do that you can't do any of this while driving and be fully focused on the road and what's going on around you:

• Talk on the phone

• Text, tweet or Facebook

• Write a grocery list

• Eat

• Fiddle with radio, iPod, etc.

• Discipline kids

Road rage? Guilty as charged. I'm not a perfect driver but I'm also not afraid to judge every other sunnofabitch on the road. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Chickflickitis

I make it no secret that relationships aren't my strong suit. In fact, most of my boyfriends have been a disaster. When I think about dating, my instincts lean towards nerves and anxiety, rather than the fairy tale. It's easier to see reasons why something won't work out than reasons why it will. I tend to find excuses to break things off with really great guys, instead of working out something that could be really good. Why? Because I've recently realized that somewhere along the line I decided that I'd be alone forever.

Well folks, since I've identified that sneaky little decision my brain made (without my permission mind you), things are gonna change. I have a reason for things to change.

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"Wouldn't it be lovely if we were old? We'd have survived all this. Everything would be easy and uncomplicated; the way it was when we were young."

-The Way We Were

In many ways, movies tell it right. Yeah I said it...

Ok ok, I'll admit it isn't a perfect comparison - I mean, you've got to keep a movie within some sort of time constraint, so there's a lot that gets left out, but isn't every meeting a chance meeting? You have attraction, chemistry, etc etc until a relationship is formed, then there is some sort of obstacle that must be overcome, against the odds. It's the quintessential lovey-dovey chick flick formula.

But how far off is it really?

"Life is full of interruptions and complications."

-Love Actually

People in movies take chances because it's in the script. If they didn't end up together at the end, the audience would be pissed. So when you go into one of these chick flick type movies you expect the formula, and you expect it to work out.... am I right? You WANT it to work out.

I realize that real life is infinitely harder and the stakes are much, much higher, but the general idea is the same. Every couple has a story about how they met. Every pair of people on the entire planet met by chance at some point, and those couples who stay together do it against the odds. Nothing begins on purpose, right?

"I want the fairy tale."

"So what happens after he climbs up and rescues her?"
"She rescues him right back."

-Pretty Woman

Someone said to me recently that sometimes a little cheese is appropriate. I think so too, so from now on I'm going to focus less on seeing obstacles and more on seeing the magic... because magic is something I will work for.

I don't think it's out of the question to want the fairy tale ... but I do think it's unreasonable to expect it to be easy to keep once you find it.

"Couples who are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."

-Dr. Cox from 'Scrubs' (I know, not from a chick flick but I like that quote and it's relevant)

I know from experience that it is easy to fall in love, but hard to stay there. It takes a lot of effort and time and compromise and reciprocity. It takes WORK.

"If somebody doesn't believe in me, I can't believe in them."

-Pretty in Pink

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Movies are easy and life is hard.... but you have to ask yourself, which is more worthwhile? A relationship you can live through vicariously for 2 hours, or one that with a little effort, you can have for the rest of your life? I know what I will pick, given the chance....

Beginning, here I come.

The travel bug

I just made a trip to see a friend that required a few hours worth of plane travel. During my airport and airplane experience, I realized (not for the first time) that a percentage of my fellow passengers were at best inconsiderate assholes. I mean seriously, you'd think people wouldn't seemingly go out of their way to breed misery in their fellow passengers, but alas such behavior comes naturally to some.

Airports have a lot of rules. They are posted on signs everywhere (some even have PICTURES in case you are REALLY slow) and announced on intercom systems. But you know, as helpful as that is, there is a lot left to common sense. If I know anything about people, it is that about 1 in 4 are complete morons. I made my own rules of conduct for such people. I believe implementing and enforcing these rules would benefit passengers, airport and airline employees, and the business of air travel as a whole. Here goes:

• Don't think you are an exception to any of the rules the airports work so hard to enforce. I know you probably aren't planning on using your full size bottle of conditioner to blow up the plane, but if I have to fit all my liquid toiletries in a quart-sized Ziploc baggie then so do you. Don't hold up the line because you think you're special.

• Airport Starbucks are always busy. Put your iPhone down (yes I see that you are important enough to have one of those to check your email on every ten seconds) and order your effing coffee. Don't hold me up here. If you have been standing in line several minutes and it's finally your turn and you STILL have no idea what you want, I should be allowed to punch you, Chuck-Norris style.

• If you must stand still on the escalators or moving sidewalks, please move to the side so those of us who aren't lazy assholes can get by you.

• Pee before you get on the plane. Seriously.

• If your carry-on bag looks like I could fit in it, and you need three people to hoist it into the overhead bin, you probably should have checked it. If that shit falls on my head before, during or after the flight, I'm going to end up with a LOT of your money.

• Please please PLEASE don't eat foods before the flight that will make you fart. No one wants to sit smelling your beef for HOURS while it circulates through the cabin. It's gross. Think ahead, put the burrito down, and walk away. Turbulence outside the airplane is bad enough. We don't want it inside too.

• I don't know why airplane seats recline in the first place. We're already packed in the plane like effing sardines, and I'd really rather NOT sit through the whole flight with a stranger in my lap. If I'd wanted that, I'd have just gone to the strip club NEXT to the airport and avoided flying all together.

• Don't read my book over my shoulder. Get your own. Or read SkyMall. I don't care, just stay out of my space.

• Airplanes are NOT a good place to hang out with your baby. Let me let you in on a little secret about babies... when their ears pop, they CRY. A LOT. It is impossible to sit in an airplane seat with a baby in your arms and not get in the way of the people sitting next to you. Also, they come with more crap and accessories and bags than can fit in your standard overhead bin, not to mention if your bundle of joy craps itself everyone on the airplane has to deal with the stench ... I mean, do you really think people are oohing and aahing at your baby while you are making your way to your teeny tiny airline seat, probably in the MIDDLE of the aisle? Ok that was a stupid question - of course you do. Get it a pacifier and keep it out of my space bubble.

• If your kid is looking at me, kicking my seat, running around the cabin or making loud noises, that makes YOU the PARENT a total asshole. Howabout you practice some parenting skills and control to make the flight better for the irritated people who are now glaring at you. Strap your unruly spawn down in a seat and give it a coloring book asap.

• If you have to read aloud to yourself to get through the new Grisham novel, then maybe you shouldn't read on a plane. I have my own book, magazine or whatever to keep me entertained thankyouverymuch. Get an effing iPod or something.

• My shoulder is not a pillow if I don't know you.

• It's all fine and good to have a drink on the plane, but if it gets to a point where you can't control the volume of your voice and are hitting on the flight attendant, then you have probably had a wee bit too much, and should cut it out immediately. Also, get some gum.

• Even if the plane has touched down, you still have to wait for it to taxi in and stop. You have a few minutes to chillax so quit breathing in my ear because I'm not moving until people start getting off. Impatience will get you nowhere so sit your butt back on your seat and calm down.

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Air travel is bad enough as it is, with all the checkpoints, crowds and expenses. You have no choice but to be trapped in a small cramped space with strangers, breathing recirculated air and counting the minutes until your feel will be firmly on the ground once again. At least if people adhere to my helpful little bullet points up there, it will all be a little less unbearable.

Home shopping

On my last post, I discussed in detail some of the worst Valentine's gifts of all time. A couple of days ago, however, I realized I had missed one. Someone sent me a link to an infomercial, and at first I thought it was a joke.... but WOW. This product actually exists, and enough people thought it was a good idea, signed off on it, invested in it and through the power of TV, the internet and Wal-Mart it is available all over the country.

Enough with the suspense already, what on EARTH could I be talking about? What could possibly be lamer than getting your sweetie a negligee with a beeper-esque GPS clipped to the side? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the HUG E GRAM:

Yeeeeeeeeah. I mean, it's like walking around with dismembered Mickey Mouse arms wrapped around you... sometimes from BEHIND. There are so many things wrong with this my brain is threatening to just freeze up and shut down.

It made me think of all the things I've seen on TV that enough people actually thought were a good enough idea to produce and promote. I do have to say though, that most of the worst products of the "As Seen on TV" world are designed to cater to fitness and beauty. I don't really understand why you'd rather have a vibrating barbell than a regular one...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my own personal collection of the worst products the infomercial world has to offer:

Rejuvenique. AAAAH! What the hell IS that and is it going to kill me? Supposedly this thing exercises your face muscles or something. It's like sit ups for your face.... well they must not have sold very well because I can't say I've ever looked at someone and said to myself "wow that person has a really muscly face!" Not to mention the fact that it's pretty much the stuff that nightmares are made of.

and speaking of facial exercise....

.... here we have two way less scary but just as stupid facial fitness products. First, the Flexaway system facial exerciser. I don't really have words for this madness. You'll just have to watch the video.

Now, behold the Neckline Slimmer! Oh if ONLY bobbing your head like that was useful for anything but pleasing your man. How gullible are the people who buy this thing? Absurd.

So now that your face is all fit and toned up, what about those flabby arms? Know what? I have just the thing. Introducing the revolutionary ((((Shake Weight)))). Now let's be honest people, what does this really remind you of? I think these guys got it right.

Tremendous.

Ok what else? Well, one of my personal favorites is the Tiddy Bear. I mean, now we've toned our faces, given ourselves an awkward cartoon-arm waist hug and sculpted our arms, what we REALLY need is a starfish-like, cheeto-colored, teddy bear humping our boob.

Now I know you are asking yourself, "how am I gonna pay for all these products that I so desperately need? Well my friend, why don't you use Free Money from the Government? It's so simple.

But wait, there's MORE!

Ever heard of a Bacon Genie? What about Hair in a Can, Fridge Balls, ANYTHING Richard Simmons or Tony Little?

But then again, some of this gimmicky crap isn't all that bad, like my personal favorite... the Snuggie. I own one and LOVE it!

Act now while there's still time!