Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Public Service Announcement: Shave your face

Dear men, women are not that hard to figure out. We like to be loved, valued, and we like to feel attractive. If you can do that for us, then you're probably on the right track, or have found someone awesome. Most of us women who are worth anything look for a man who will treat us right, rather than specific physical crap that's just gonna fade or sag. I like a man to take care of himself, but if you think your abs are more important than your brain, I would like to tell you from the bottom of my little ginger heart to just get bent and stop reading. We look for who you are, not what you look like, I promise.

There are exceptions to everything, and I'm gonna let you men in on one. You ready?

Women hate beards.

I was reading the headlines online a couple of days ago and there was a slideshow on CNN.com of the World Beard and Mustache Championship. I remember just assuming that all these men with this crazy shit growing out of their faces probably had given up sex altogether in favor of their facial hair. Crazy bastards.

Women hate beards.

We hate them. You grow a beard, you become a human Swiffer. You have face-velcro. Everything gets caught in your bristly face-hair like tiny little shipwrecks in a coral reef. You think we want to get our own pretty faces anywhere near that? No way. It's like making out with a Brillo pad, except nastier. I don't want yesterday's lunch smeared on me. Sorry. I'm allergic.

Not even Brad Pitt can make it look good. Ugh.

Sometimes scruff can be sexy. Some women like mustaches. No women like beards. None of us are attracted to beards. Actually, we aren't sure why guys like to grow them either. Seems like it would itch. You may be lucky enough to have a woman who will tolerate a beard, but let's face it, you probably met her when you didn't have one.

Think of it this way: men aren't attracted to women who grow out their leg hair. Hell, we don't even like growing it out, even though it's a pain to shave all the time because it feels disgusting. Beards don't make you look manly. They make you look lazy.

Bottom line: it makes you look older, dirty, and we can't see your face. If you're gonna let a little stubble grow in, that can be sexy but groom it and trim it so it doesn't get out of hand. You can still get your rugged, manly look without going overboard.

As for the rest of your face-hair options, don't do pencil-thin anything, ever, because it looks really really stupid. Make sure you have two eyebrows...

...and above all else, don't rock a toothbrush mustache. It seems like a no-brainer to not mimic Adolf fucking Hitler, but apparently no on told...

...Michael Jordan. Michael committed the most capital offense of facial hairdom. On a Hanes commercial. That is what I call a fail. I have nowhere to go from there so I guess this post is done.

The End.

Sunday, May 8, 2011

Writer's block

I've been thinking for a while that it's about damn time for a new post, but I've really been lacking in the inspiration department lately. I don't know why, with all that's been whooshing around in the world over the past month or so, like...

The Royal Wedding.

Ugh. I don't understand what the obsession was with this. It's a wedding in another country of people I don't know. I wasn't invited, in fact if I ran into any of the Royal friggin Family on the street, I seriously doubt they'd give me the time of day. Honestly though, it wasn't the wedding itself that annoyed me. It was the incessant coverage and magazine covers and photos and updates and crap for MONTHS everywhere I turned. If I were the Royal couple I would have run off and eloped somewhere and then hid on a Greek island for a couple of weeks. Of course that sounds good to me because I have an actual job to escape from. What do they have to escape from? A castle? I can't even...

...oh well, at least this happened:

So you can drink your coffee out of a piece of history, kinda. OK no. But it's funny.

...and this:
Which is more weird than funny. Who HAS this stupid thing?

...and some chick wore this hat that I REALLY wanted to launch an Angry Bird through:

And then everyone else dressed like Easter eggs and wore Jimmy Choos. With the exception of Kate her sister and the Beckhams, no one was especially good looking either. If I'm going to get up at 4am to watch something on TV I want some pretty (I mean supermodel pretty) people to gawk at. Superficial but true. Judge all you want.

Ok what else?

I was extremely dismayed that shows were given to idiots like Audrina Partrige, and Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom (though I guess he doesn't have anything better to do now that the Mavs swept the Lakers... so why not make a stupid perfume with his enormous wife on national TV? Sure go ahead. Make your damn money).

Did I mention the Lakers got swept by the Mavericks in the Conference Semifinals? I'm sure Kobe is somewhere in a dark hotel room listlessly bouncing a basketball against the wall and listening to Snow Patrol or something. A single tear is rolling down his cheek. Good times. Get a ring Dirk, it's time.

Also people apparently like watching pregnant teenagers act like dumb assholes with their dumb asshole useless baby daddies. TV is also overloaded with Jersey Shore bullshit, Kendra, and that other blonde bimbo who used to change Hef's diapers.

This is her. Her name is not important.

Oh and they gave Kate Gosselin another shot at a TV show and apparently she yells a lot on national TV. Shocking. Her hair is still stupid. Even more shocking.

I mean if her hair got any faker it would be...

...tardy for the party. Don't go near an open flame with that thing.

On the political front (and speaking of stupid hair), Donald Trump has proved himself to be a total douche. While he was busy worrying about the President's birth certificate, which was none of his damn business anyway, President Obama was planning and ordering the attack and ultimately the death of America's #1 terrorist enemy. The Donald should go back to worrying about what people think of his hair, and how to keep Celebrity Apprentice ratings up now that Gary Busey is gone. Nobody cares that Star Jones had a fight with NeNe Leekes... no one even knows who NeNe Leekes is.

And Busey ended up a winner anyway, because I hear he was cast in the next Piranha 3-D movie. I can only assume he thinks he'll be playing a piranha...though I don't think I ever want to see his teeth in 3-D. Ever. That's too scary even for a horror buff like myself.


OK, now all joking and ranting aside, parts of our country suffered serious tornado damage a couple of weeks ago. Six southern states were battered and people lost their lives, homes and businesses. Please remember these people in your thoughts and prayers, and give if you can to tornado relief. You can do so here.