Monday, February 8, 2010

Home shopping

On my last post, I discussed in detail some of the worst Valentine's gifts of all time. A couple of days ago, however, I realized I had missed one. Someone sent me a link to an infomercial, and at first I thought it was a joke.... but WOW. This product actually exists, and enough people thought it was a good idea, signed off on it, invested in it and through the power of TV, the internet and Wal-Mart it is available all over the country.

Enough with the suspense already, what on EARTH could I be talking about? What could possibly be lamer than getting your sweetie a negligee with a beeper-esque GPS clipped to the side? Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the HUG E GRAM:

Yeeeeeeeeah. I mean, it's like walking around with dismembered Mickey Mouse arms wrapped around you... sometimes from BEHIND. There are so many things wrong with this my brain is threatening to just freeze up and shut down.

It made me think of all the things I've seen on TV that enough people actually thought were a good enough idea to produce and promote. I do have to say though, that most of the worst products of the "As Seen on TV" world are designed to cater to fitness and beauty. I don't really understand why you'd rather have a vibrating barbell than a regular one...

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you my own personal collection of the worst products the infomercial world has to offer:

Rejuvenique. AAAAH! What the hell IS that and is it going to kill me? Supposedly this thing exercises your face muscles or something. It's like sit ups for your face.... well they must not have sold very well because I can't say I've ever looked at someone and said to myself "wow that person has a really muscly face!" Not to mention the fact that it's pretty much the stuff that nightmares are made of.

and speaking of facial exercise....

.... here we have two way less scary but just as stupid facial fitness products. First, the Flexaway system facial exerciser. I don't really have words for this madness. You'll just have to watch the video.

Now, behold the Neckline Slimmer! Oh if ONLY bobbing your head like that was useful for anything but pleasing your man. How gullible are the people who buy this thing? Absurd.

So now that your face is all fit and toned up, what about those flabby arms? Know what? I have just the thing. Introducing the revolutionary ((((Shake Weight)))). Now let's be honest people, what does this really remind you of? I think these guys got it right.


Ok what else? Well, one of my personal favorites is the Tiddy Bear. I mean, now we've toned our faces, given ourselves an awkward cartoon-arm waist hug and sculpted our arms, what we REALLY need is a starfish-like, cheeto-colored, teddy bear humping our boob.

Now I know you are asking yourself, "how am I gonna pay for all these products that I so desperately need? Well my friend, why don't you use Free Money from the Government? It's so simple.

But wait, there's MORE!

Ever heard of a Bacon Genie? What about Hair in a Can, Fridge Balls, ANYTHING Richard Simmons or Tony Little?

But then again, some of this gimmicky crap isn't all that bad, like my personal favorite... the Snuggie. I own one and LOVE it!

Act now while there's still time!