Public Service Announcement: Shave your face

Dear men, women are not that hard to figure out. We like to be loved, valued, and we like to feel attractive. If you can do that for us, then you're probably on the right track, or have found someone awesome. Most of us women who are worth anything look for a man who will treat us right, rather than specific physical crap that's just gonna fade or sag. I like a man to take care of himself, but if you think your abs are more important than your brain, I would like to tell you from the bottom of my little ginger heart to just get bent and stop reading. We look for who you are, not what you look like, I promise.

There are exceptions to everything, and I'm gonna let you men in on one. You ready?

Women hate beards.

I was reading the headlines online a couple of days ago and there was a slideshow on CNN.com of the World Beard and Mustache Championship. I remember just assuming that all these men with this crazy shit growing out of their faces probably had given up sex altogether in favor of their facial hair. Crazy bastards.


Women hate beards.

We hate them. You grow a beard, you become a human Swiffer. You have face-velcro. Everything gets caught in your bristly face-hair like tiny little shipwrecks in a coral reef. You think we want to get our own pretty faces anywhere near that? No way. It's like making out with a Brillo pad, except nastier. I don't want yesterday's lunch smeared on me. Sorry. I'm allergic.

Not even Brad Pitt can make it look good. Ugh.

Sometimes scruff can be sexy. Some women like mustaches. No women like beards. None of us are attracted to beards. Actually, we aren't sure why guys like to grow them either. Seems like it would itch. You may be lucky enough to have a woman who will tolerate a beard, but let's face it, you probably met her when you didn't have one.

Think of it this way: men aren't attracted to women who grow out their leg hair. Hell, we don't even like growing it out, even though it's a pain to shave all the time because it feels disgusting. Beards don't make you look manly. They make you look lazy.

Bottom line: it makes you look older, dirty, and we can't see your face. If you're gonna let a little stubble grow in, that can be sexy but groom it and trim it so it doesn't get out of hand. You can still get your rugged, manly look without going overboard.

As for the rest of your face-hair options, don't do pencil-thin anything, ever, because it looks really really stupid. Make sure you have two eyebrows...

...and above all else, don't rock a toothbrush mustache. It seems like a no-brainer to not mimic Adolf fucking Hitler, but apparently no on told...


...Michael Jordan. Michael committed the most capital offense of facial hairdom. On a Hanes commercial. That is what I call a fail. I have nowhere to go from there so I guess this post is done.

The End.

Writer's block

I've been thinking for a while that it's about damn time for a new post, but I've really been lacking in the inspiration department lately. I don't know why, with all that's been whooshing around in the world over the past month or so, like...

The Royal Wedding.


Ugh. I don't understand what the obsession was with this. It's a wedding in another country of people I don't know. I wasn't invited, in fact if I ran into any of the Royal friggin Family on the street, I seriously doubt they'd give me the time of day. Honestly though, it wasn't the wedding itself that annoyed me. It was the incessant coverage and magazine covers and photos and updates and crap for MONTHS everywhere I turned. If I were the Royal couple I would have run off and eloped somewhere and then hid on a Greek island for a couple of weeks. Of course that sounds good to me because I have an actual job to escape from. What do they have to escape from? A castle? I can't even...

...oh well, at least this happened:


So you can drink your coffee out of a piece of history, kinda. OK no. But it's funny.

...and this:
Which is more weird than funny. Who HAS this stupid thing?

...and some chick wore this hat that I REALLY wanted to launch an Angry Bird through:


And then everyone else dressed like Easter eggs and wore Jimmy Choos. With the exception of Kate her sister and the Beckhams, no one was especially good looking either. If I'm going to get up at 4am to watch something on TV I want some pretty (I mean supermodel pretty) people to gawk at. Superficial but true. Judge all you want.

Ok what else?

I was extremely dismayed that shows were given to idiots like Audrina Partrige, and Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom (though I guess he doesn't have anything better to do now that the Mavs swept the Lakers... so why not make a stupid perfume with his enormous wife on national TV? Sure go ahead. Make your damn money).


Did I mention the Lakers got swept by the Mavericks in the Conference Semifinals? I'm sure Kobe is somewhere in a dark hotel room listlessly bouncing a basketball against the wall and listening to Snow Patrol or something. A single tear is rolling down his cheek. Good times. Get a ring Dirk, it's time.


Also people apparently like watching pregnant teenagers act like dumb assholes with their dumb asshole useless baby daddies. TV is also overloaded with Jersey Shore bullshit, Kendra, and that other blonde bimbo who used to change Hef's diapers.

This is her. Her name is not important.

Oh and they gave Kate Gosselin another shot at a TV show and apparently she yells a lot on national TV. Shocking. Her hair is still stupid. Even more shocking.


I mean if her hair got any faker it would be...


...tardy for the party. Don't go near an open flame with that thing.

On the political front (and speaking of stupid hair), Donald Trump has proved himself to be a total douche. While he was busy worrying about the President's birth certificate, which was none of his damn business anyway, President Obama was planning and ordering the attack and ultimately the death of America's #1 terrorist enemy. The Donald should go back to worrying about what people think of his hair, and how to keep Celebrity Apprentice ratings up now that Gary Busey is gone. Nobody cares that Star Jones had a fight with NeNe Leekes... no one even knows who NeNe Leekes is.


And Busey ended up a winner anyway, because I hear he was cast in the next Piranha 3-D movie. I can only assume he thinks he'll be playing a piranha...though I don't think I ever want to see his teeth in 3-D. Ever. That's too scary even for a horror buff like myself.


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OK, now all joking and ranting aside, parts of our country suffered serious tornado damage a couple of weeks ago. Six southern states were battered and people lost their lives, homes and businesses. Please remember these people in your thoughts and prayers, and give if you can to tornado relief. You can do so here.

We can all help

It never ceases to amaze me the good that disaster and tragedy brings out in people. On March 11, 2011 Japan was hit by a (literally) earth-shattering 8.9 earthquake, then a tsunami. These events caused destruction like nothing we've ever seen. Thousands are dead, many more are missing or hurt… and almost half a million people are homeless. Now on top of that, the country is facing a nuclear crisis.

The people of Japan need help rebuilding their homes and their lives, and it's been really awesome to see how many American people, companies and businesses have stepped up to help. It's inspiring. Japan has come to the aid of Hurricane Katrina victims, as well as other natural disaster victims and communities around the world. Now they need our help…. it is estimated the damage is over $180 billion.

If you haven't guessed already, this post is about helping with disaster relief in Japan. I've put together some easy ways to do just that.

Thanks to modern technology, it's so easy to donate money. You can donate from your phone, just with a simple text:

• American Red Cross. Text REDCROSS to 90999 to make a $10 donation.
• Convoy of Hope, Inc. Text TSUNAMI to 50555 to give $10.
• GlobalGiving. Text JAPAN to 50555 to give $10.
• The Salvation Army. Text JAPAN to 80888 to make a $10 donation.
• International Medical Corps. Text MED to 80888 to give $10.
• Mercy Corps. Text MERCY to 25383 to donate $10.
• Save the Children. Text JAPAN or TSUNAMI to 20222 to donate $10.
• World Vision. Text 4JAPAN or 4TSUNAMI to 20222 to donate $10.
• To donate $10 through UNICEF, text JAPAN to 864233.

The American Red Cross is working with the Japanese Red Cross, and assisting the Japanese government in its response. You can donate to the Red Cross via text as listed above, or you can go to their website here. As of last Wednesday afternoon, the Red Cross had received $2.6 million through text messages and $47 million overall.

A donation to Samaritan's Purse will help them to distribute food, clean water, medicine, blankets, weatherproof plastic and other essentials to survivors. Last week, Samaritan's Purse delivered essential water purification equipment, because clean water has been one of the biggest shortages in Japan since the tsunami. The day after the quake, they sent over $200,000. From what I've read, Samaritan's Purse works to respond with essential supplies and equipment and support that the Japanese government is saying they need the most, so rest assured that your donation will count towards something vital to the survival of people who've lost everything and are clinging to life and hope.

If you donate on Crunchyroll.com, Crunchyroll will match your donation, so if you donate $10, $20 will go to Japan. Click HERE to donate.

On importfood.com you can purchase food to be sent to Japan. They are a small company and I love that they are doing this. They include a handwritten note in every box of food, written in Japanese that the box was a donation from the American people to help our friends. Love love love.

Shelter Box USA is sending boxes full of supplies, including shelter and blankets to the people of Japan who have lost their homes. You can easily donate, amounts even as little as $1, because every little bit helps.

There are also a few free ways to help:

"Like" Dog Bless You on Facebook, and $1 will be donated to the organization to help finance search and rescue dogs in Japan. Rescue dogs are finding people every day, and you can help with a single click of your mouse.

On YouTube, if you leave a positive comment on this video the maker of the video will donate 50 cents to help Japan.

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I could go on and on with ways people are helping. This is just scratching the surface. Sometimes it seems like all over the world, all humans are interested in doing is fighting each other. I hate that. I want to see more of this generosity and caring across cultures. I want to see all humans help each other. Whether you are able to donate $1 or $100, know you have helped someone who desperately needs it. I am so grateful to who I have listed in this post, and to the many more who are helping our brothers and sisters in Japan. You are wonderful.

Welcome to Earth

So right now aliens are invading our theaters, and I'm thinking… maybe I should write a movie post that doesn't involve my beloved zombies for a change. I am well-rounded enough in my tastes to do that… I think.

You see, there are two movies that I'm pretty excited about. This weekend, Battle: Los Angeles hit theaters, and Paul will start playing this Friday. I understand these are two very different movies but they have one thing in common: ALIENS.

I'll start with Battle: Los Angeles. I've been excited about this movie for months. I've watched every trailer, read updates and checked out movie stills. It. Looks. Awesome. Remember that feeling you had when the White House blew up in the Independence Day trailer? I got that same feeling with the first Battle: Los Angeles trailer. Unfortunately though folks, I'm not hearing good things about it. From the trailer, I'm seeing jaw-dropping effects and a plot line that looks reminiscent of an old-fashioned sci-fi movie about a catastrophic alien invasion intent on wiping out human kind. That is what I want to see. What I'm hearing from critics is that it's vapid eye-candy and little else. Honestly, even though it would be nice to have a little substance in a story that focuses around an alien invasion apocalypse, eye candy may be all I need from this. It looks like a blast and I can't wait to see it. Besides, it's not like Independence Day could ever be called the Citizen Kane of alien movies… it had Bill Pullman in it for shit's sake. Lighten up critics, and just enjoy it.


Now let's look at Paul. This one is a comedy. There is no catastrophic invasion, just one little green man who's escaped from Area 51. I love it already. First, look at the cast. It stars Simon Pegg and Nick Frost, who are the guys from one of my all-time favorite movies, Shaun of the Dead. The alien is voiced by Seth Rogen, and then you have Sigourney Weaver, Jason Bateman, Bill Hader, Jeffrey Tambor and Jane Lynch. Awesome, right? I laugh my ass off whenever I see the trailer, and I intend to laugh even harder at the actual movie. Again, not Citizen Kane… but seriously what do you expect from a movie about an alien?

Which brings me to part two of this post. I definitely have favorites when it comes to little green men invading our little blue planet. Now, I could put true classics like the original War of the Worlds or Close Encounters of the 3rd Kind… and don't get me wrong those are GREAT movies… but I'd rather sit on my couch and watch something more fun. Here are my top 5 favorite aliens-on-Earth movies:

1. Predator 1987

In a word? Classic. In another word? Awesome. You've got a stealthy, invisible bad-ass alien creature vs none other than Arnold Fucking Schwarzenegger. In a fucking jungle. This movie is the ultimate in bad-ass. It's violent, has cheesy Schwarzenegger-esque one-liners, and takes us back to a time when there were real badasses out there in Hollywood, not pretty boys in their skinny jeans. You can't kick an alien's ass in skinny jeans… there just isn't enough mobility.

2. The Thing 1982

Bridging the gap between the horror and sci-fi genres, The Thing is a gross and creepy classic. First of all, you have Kurt Russell, a man's-man with epic hair. Then you have an alien parasitic creature that can take over and shape itself into any living thing. Throw in the subzero wasteland that is Antarctica and you've got some scary good times. I mean, how can you battle something if you don't know what it looks like… or who?

3. District 9 2009

Probably the last big alien invasion movie to come out, it was an instant favorite for me. In fact, I have stated numerous times that it was my favorite movie of 2009, beating out The Hangover, Iglourious Basterds and Avatar. Like many of the best sci-fi movies ever made, this one had a strong social message and theme, yet didn't come off as preachy. It came off as a warning. I felt strong emotions toward the characters and was on the edge of my seat the entire film, not just for the action sequences. The effects were flawlessly integrated with live action. It was just a masterpiece.

4. Independence Day 1996

I'd never seen anything like this movie when it came out. Loud, flashy, and completely over-the-top… and that's just the movie's star, WIll Smith. Hur. Hur. ANYway I still watch it every time it comes on, because you really can't have more fun watching a movie than with this one.

5. Mars Attacks 1996

Ok, for this one you either love it or hate it. I loved it, a great combination of spoofing on and paying homage to all the alien invasion movies that came before it… plus in has Jack Nicholson.

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Now, my favorite alien movies are the Alien franchise, but I couldn't include them because they take place in space and not on Earth. Sorry Dr. Ripley.

Stayin' alive

I'm going to get right to the point. Obesity scares me. When the people I love neglect their bodies and health, not only do I fear for them… I fear I will lose them way too soon. I was browsing Fox News online earlier today and came across this article about heart attack survivors who don't change their eating habits (or start out good and go back to eating crap and not exercising) and it hit me pretty hard.

You see, three years ago my dad had a heart attack (in and all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet no less). I almost lost my dad because for years and years he has neglected his body. The consequences of both my parents being unhealthy has always been in the back of my mind, but until that point never really scared me.

It scares me now.

That day in the hospital I saw obesity in a new light. I finally saw it as dangerous - I saw it as something that could take away people I love. It's been really hard to vocalize this to my parents without getting angry. After the attack, my dad did eat better and he exercised… for maybe 6 months. My mom kept on the same path of bodily destruction she's been on for years, and slowly my dad joined her again.

My parents have a hard time walking around. They aren't old, but their bodies are showing wear that shouldn't be there yet because of the weight they are carrying. Maintaining a healthy weight isn't just about looking good. When you're healthy you feel better, your body works better, you sleep better, you're at less risk for diseases… the list goes on.

I feel like as Americans we are conditioned to put junk into our bodies, and it's killing all of us. I can only beg the people I love to practice healthy habits so much, but even I don't always succeed in practicing them. We live in a society that tells us that things should be easy… and with growing technologies, etc. we are all becoming lazy because as far as I know there is no iPhone app that's gonna get my ass on a treadmill. Motivation has to come from inside, and staying healthy isn't easy. Losing weight and retraining your body and mind for health is even harder.

To my parents, finding health seems like an impossibly steep mountain to climb. Unfortunately, it is a mountain that never had to be there in the first place. The last time I really sat down with both of them, we were in a bakery. I couldn't bring myself to order anything but hot tea, because standing in front of that case of sweets with the two of them just took me back to that day in the hospital. The three of us sat down at a table, me with my tea and my parents with lattes and a big slab of chocolate cake. I couldn't watch them eat it. It's the hardest thing in the world to sit and watch people I love most in this world kill themselves with food. My dad promised me that day they were going to "get healthy" but I've heard it before, from both of them.

The thing is, I know they both want to. I know that for both of them, food is an addiction. Add that to their sedentary lifestyle, and you have a losing situation. I can beg until I'm blue for them to get up and start moving… gradually chip away at the bad habits they've developed and finally start living healthier.

I beg them to stop breaking my heart. I once told my dad "I know I have to lose you sometime, but please don't let it be because you're fat. Please don't let it be because of something you could have prevented."

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I beg all of you to strive towards a healthy lifestyle, no matter what shape you are in right now. If nothing else, think of the people around you who love you and would be devastated if you were taken from them too soon. I hurt for my parents every day, and pray that they will find the strength and motivation to do something about their health. I'm not sure how much hope I should have though, because if a heart attack won't jolt someone into reality, I'm not sure what will.

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Be healthy for yourself and for the people you love. Do it to feel better and live longer. We all have it in us, and if we motivate and encourage each other we'll find success.

My funny Valentine

Well, it's Valentine's Day, and it's almost over. A lot of you are breathing a sigh of relief, some of you are getting laid, and the rest of you don't care.

All I have to say is, whatever you did today, I hope you laughed. If not, check out this assortment of festive messages and get in a few chuckles before you head to bed. I like to think there is a little something here for everyone:

Yes please.

If the Hoff loves me, all is right with the world.

I included this for my grouchy and cynical readers.

Nothing says I love you quite like defacing public property... an overpass would have been more moving, but this will do in a pinch.

For now.

It's important to be your own kitteh, no matter what the world thinks of you.

You do, right?

This one says it all for me.

This too.

Everyone loves a bacon reference...

... but they love actually receiving bacon more.

Fiery passion should really come with some sort of insulating potholder. This guy may be a little too hard-core for me.

Use good beer for that and we'll talk.

Yes Will Wheaton. I would like to make a Wheaten-Hoff sandwich. I mean, who wouldn't?!?

And my personal favorite:
I just want to slap it and watch the ripples go and go. Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Love is in the air

Valentine's Day. It seems like everywhere I look, there are reminders blasting me in the face that it's coming. I can't watch TV, pick up a prescription or even go to the gym without one. It's a Hallmark holiday... a moneymaker for florists and chocolate companies.

It's just another day. A crappy, gaudy, glitter-encrusted, cuteness-overloaded day.

Isn't it?

I used to think Valentine's Day exists to remind me that I'm lonely. I walk through CVS or Target and it seems like all those frilly pink and red heart shaped things are silently screaming "I'm not for you!" But as I've gotten older, I accept and ignore all that kitsch. I put my blinders up to do my shopping, and tell myself it's just another day. It's cheesy and stupid. Who needs this crap anyway?

I think the answer to that last question is: we all do. I do. I need it bad. I'm not just talking about couples or romance, that excludes too many people. In fact, it excludes me, and I'm not down with that. I think if you look past all the lace and heart-shaped whatever, you'll see that it's actually a pretty wonderful thing to have a day that celebrates love. I may not have a date, but I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I love and am loved by many wonderful people.

It's easy to forget that when all I see surrounding me in January and February is romantic vomit all over every store ever. Loneliness creeps in and I think about how much I'd like to be coming home to someone, instead of an empty, dark apartment. Romantic love is precious. Having a partner and a mate to lean on and walk through life with is worth more than anything I can think of. It is not something to scoff at or take lightly, and one day I hope to find it.

But like many many people I haven't found it yet. I'm realizing more and more though, that most of us have a bigger network of love and support than we realize, and we take it for granted.

I don't want Valentine's Day to be just another day. Celebrating love is one of the most worthwhile things you can do. I celebrate my friends and family. I celebrate people I've loved in the past and people I have yet to meet. That thought all by itself lifts me up like you wouldn't believe.

I sometimes do have to remind myself that I'm not alone, and way too often that's really hard to do... especially this time of year. It seems like everyone is paired off these days and I am showing up to the ark solo, like I didn't get the memo or something.

But really, not everyone is, and that's OK. We all do things in our own time, and things happen when we're ready for them to. In the meantime, rediscover how important the existing people in your life are, and fall in love with them again. Valentine's Day should, in its purest form, serve as a reminder and revival for ALL of those who we love and who love us in return.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone. Lets celebrate together.