It's a numbers game….unless you don't know the difference between your and you're

Meeting people is tough. Meeting a decent guy to date? Tougher. The older I get, the less luck I seem to have meeting someone good. Men are like shopping carts - once you find one without a squeaky wheel, some other bitch is already pushing it around the store.

Sigh. I hate the dating game, and actually like being single. OK I don't mind being single. There are definitely ups and downs.

OK I'd really like to meet someone good and start a relationship.

I'll cut to the chase now. Sigh.

I joined an online dating site.

I have been in the world of online dating for 24 hours. I have received emails, comments on my photos, and something called "winks" which I believe to be first cousins with Facebook's "poking", one of the stupidest concepts ever if you are older than 12.

You can tell who's been on there a while with no luck because their profiles are decidedly grouchy and full of what other people are doing wrong. Yeah, because whining on a dating site is oh so attractive. I do see cause for frustration on some fronts though....but instead of putting them on my profile, I decided to list them here.

Even though I'm new to this, I have some suggestions for online daters....namely the men who's profiles I've been browsing. Follow these suggestions and you might have more luck guys:

• Don't post photos you took in the bathroom mirror. Bathrooms aren't sexy, and I can't see your face if your damn phone is in front of it. 

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

"Oh look at those abs! I don't mind the toilet and pile of laundry in the background as long as the rest of his face matches the 20% that isn't covered by his phone!"

• Use complete sentences, grammar and punctuation. I've been getting emails that are nothing but lower case streams of consciousness and it's ridiculous. "Ur" is not "your" and if you're trying to get me to go out with you, use a fucking capital letter once in a while. I'm not going to respond to something that looks ignorant and lazy that I'm going to have to decipher.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

"Wow you must have really wanted to talk to me quickly, since what you've sent is a frantic jumble of letters! How sweet!"

• Don't post photos that a girl has clearly been cut out of. Are you serious? There are way too many of these. Way. Too. Many. I'd almost prefer the bathroom photo.

The reaction you soooooo aren't getting from a girl:

"She's probably his sister."

• Listing yourself as "athletic build" when clearly the only sport you've played in a while is beer pong. That's not a 6-pack honey, it's a keg. No matter what you look like you can find someone, but if you lie that's another ballgame. Lying ain't sexy.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

Yeah I'm not gonna post a reaction for this one. Draw your own conclusions.

• Know how tall you actually are. It's common knowledge in the female world that men have a loose grasp on the concept of inches. I'm 6-0" and if I go on a date expecting a guy who's as tall or taller than me and he's actually more like 5-9"…..it's going to be awkward. My purse is big, but I can't fit a step stool in it.

The reaction you aren't getting from a girl:

"I have to sit down when we kiss but that's ok."

• Don't post a photo from 10 years ago. Just don't. None of us look like we did 10 years ago and that's ok. Misrepresenting yourself in any way just isn't going to get you anywhere.

-----

I may be a snob here, but I don't want to just have dates. I want to meet a genuine person who holds himself to a high standard of honesty and integrity. When you meet someone in person you put your best foot forward and try to make a good impression, and to me it's important to do that online too.

xo.

It's a recession, bitches

Or, why I decided to move.

Last week I came home from the office to find slid under my apartment door not one, but two notices that my lease renewal is coming up due. Nothing unusual about that this time of year, except when I opened the first letter something stood out.

Glared at me like the motherfucking Sun.

My rent is going up $230 A MONTH.

I sat and stared at the paper in disbelief. $230? What the hell are they thinking? I live in a one bedroom with nothing nearby but the airport and the highway and they want to charge me more than a condo uptown?

Oh but it gets better.

The second letter offered what I know these people see as tasty options. First, if I renew I get an undisclosed gift from the office staff….my guess is farts in a jar. Second, I have the option to move to another apartment in the complex for only $150 more than I pay now. Oh how lovely.

Also the letters I was given had two different move-out dates. Obviously I'm dealing with some brilliant minds here.

Lucky me.

So notice to vacate needs to be presented to the leasing office in writing. I thought I'd share mine with you.

*ahem*

Dear Leasing Office Manager,

I have received notice that my lease is up for renewal in March. Thank you for your kind offer to stay, but I'm afraid I must decline and remain living in the real world where people have budgets and can't just pull money to pay a 30% rent increase out of their asses.

Don't get me wrong, your letter was very nice. Reminding me that you have a fitness center and a pool like every other apartment complex in the whole damn world was definitely a selling point. Should I mention the gym smells like an Occupy campsite in a rainstorm? You may want to check on that. Mold is a bitch to get out of cheap-ass carpet. Also, the free Wi-fi lobby for people who can't afford internet in their own apartment because you've jacked the rent up was a nice touch. I hope it's the size of Carlsbad Caverns.

I should also mention the things in my apartment that I've reported as needing maintenance, but your lovely staff just hasn't quite been able to fit into their busy schedule:

• The disposal in the kitchen: broken since November.
• The air conditioning: broken 6 or 7 times last summer, but was never quite fixed. Oopsie on your part, though I did enjoy the dump your maintenance goon took in MY bathroom. He was so considerate to turn on the fan and open a window.
• Lights burnt out in the bedroom closet, the bathroom (both above the sink and the ceiling) porch, hallway, and half the kitchen.
• The kitchen faucet…broken only recently, but why bother calling really? At this point turning on my sink with pliers takes less effort than talking to you nice people.

In case you haven't guessed by now, I'm moving the fuck out. Thanks for making my living situation over the past 8 years wonderfully mediocre.

Thanks,
Merissa

The Sound of Silence...zombies…and Led Zeppelin

Or - everyone is still on vacation but me.

Today I am the only person at work. I have nothing work-related to do. Nothing. It's quiet and cold and I can hear my hair growing, so today has definitely been one of those days where it pays to be able to amuse myself.

Hell, I even had extra energy because I got up early and drug my overly curvy ass to the gym before work. In the FREEZING COLD. So here, in a nutshell, was my day.

7:45am
Arrive at the gym. Sit in the locker room for 10 full minutes, coat on, waiting to thaw.

Go to an elliptical, set it for hills, 15 minutes, on level 8….which I ended up bumping down to level 5 after the first two minutes.

Get water.

Aimlessly wander around…eventually completing a full lap around the machines, do one set of assisted pull-ups.

Get water.

Motivate to do one set each of a couple of machines that look like they actually DO belong in a gym and not a Saw movie.

Get water.

Go to locker room, making sure to squeeze butt while walking, as an attempt to trick myself into thinking I'm exercising.

Shower, get ready for work.

9am (OK who am I kidding…9:15am):
Arrive at work. Sit in cubicle, coat on, for 20 minutes, staring at blank computer screen.

Get coffee. Loudly curse the person who has made a pot of decaf and not regular. Decaf coffee is the work of Vader, or possibly one of his minions.

Turn on computer. I still have my coat on….and add a blanket over my legs. At this point I am still convinced I will die of hypothermia, mostly because there is no one here to rescue me from such a fate by TURNING UP THE DAMN HEAT.

Check all three emails, Etsy page, bank account, Facebook and Twitter.

Do a lap around my floor, looking for humans.

11am:
I have cranked Zeppelin and am singing Misty Mountain Hop in my very best raspy rocker voice. An intern from the other side of the floor comes and asks me to please stop it. I ask him if he's the one who made the decaf coffee. He said no so I let him go unscathed.

I decide to do some online shopping for much needed bras and panties….taking full advantage of the fact that no one is around to see my screen.

Also by this point, I have to pee like a racehorse but don't want to unwrap from coat and blanket. Bah.

12:30pm:
I have ordered two bras, today's Livingsocial deal and some gourmet ketchup (don't judge me, it was on sale…also I shouldn't shop hungry) and am trying to decide whether or not I want to brave the cold for lunch.

I opt for no. Screw the cold, I'll eat here….a decision I immediately regret after completely hating the Lean Cuisine I had packed for myself.

2pm:
Because of lackluster gymming this morning, I decide to do 3 sets each of squats, dips, lunges and push-ups….and the effort leaves me panting on the floor and wondering how often they vacuum here.

Other than the intern, I still have yet to interact with any humans.

It's like a friggin zombie movie here, and deathly quiet. In fact, I take a moment out of what is turning into an extremely busy day to look outside for the decaying undead. No such luck.

Then I spend the next 20 minutes looking for my shoe, which I had kicked off to exercise….

3pm:
I am wrapped in my Snuggie and my blanket and wondering if we've hit some kind of freaky indoor ice age. I decide to pay bills like the responsible grownup that I am. I also renew my car registration, only 3 days late. Go me!

I check outside again for zombies. I still don't see any. They must be hiding.

4pm:
Don't mind me, just alternating between writing this blog post and checking outside for zombies. I have decided that my best course of action when they get here is to hook my staplers together to make staple-chucks. I'm a lot like the MacGyver of killin' zombies.

Or perhaps I should use my zombie whispering skills and make hoardes of undead my minions….keeping a New Year's resolution for once.

It's 4:45 now and I'm all caught up with myself.
Also I'm exhausted…that's probably a part of the hypothermia setting in.

Stay warm, folks. I'm outta here.

2011 can suck it

Yeah, that's right. I know I'm not alone in this. I know that this year my blog posts have attained the rarity of Haley's Comet, but I felt I needed to give 2011 one last great big verbal middle finger.

How am I gonna do that? By not talking about 2011.

I thought it would be more fun to move forward and share my list of resolutions for the new year, because I've decided this year will be the year of Merissa.

Resolutions for 2012: failure not an option on these, so buckle up.

#1 Lose 15 lbs.
Ok, ok I know what you're thinking….this is EVERYBODY'S resolution, every year, always. The thing is, I don't have a lot of trophy years left and I need to be able to make the best of 2012 by showing as much non-muffin-top skin as possible.

#2 Write a zombie-themed cookbook.
I feel this is a relatively untapped market. Why not combine my love of baking with my love of the decaying undead? It makes perfect sense to me…and I have a few ideas involving raspberry jam….

#3 Get a tan.
There has to be a way for me to do this. I'm sick of camera flashes reflecting off my face, making me look like a white pancake with eyes. I also have accepted that waiting for my freckles to connect is something I should completely give up on.

#4 Punch Katy Perry in the face.
I don't need to explain this one, and you know you want in on it. She's the only one who's heard that damn "Firework" song more than we have and she still thinks she's hot shit.

#5 Go to Pawn Stars.
Every time I watch that show I start wandering around my apartment looking for treasure. So far I have unearthed no Civil War firearms or Faberge brooches, but I remain optimistic. I did find a bugle in my closet that I predict to be worth almost $7. Also, I'd like to have a grouch-off with the Old Man.

#6 Read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Dude. Maybe the 3rd try is the charm. Reading that book is the mental equivalent of running through 3 feet of mud….but I can't let it beat me….not in 2012, bitch.

#7 Assemble those IKEA shelves I bought 2 years ago.
If you're laughing at this one, I dare you to come put these things together. I double dog dare you.

#8 Not get pregnant.
This is my standby resolution every year. In fact, I pop a couple of extra birth control pills into my mouth like tic-tacs every time I'm around someones screaming/wiggling/leaking bundle of joy. Also, I've corked my vagina. No tiny gingers for me (at least right now) thanks. I can't even keep a plant alive...

#9 Gain control of an army of Zombie minions.
It's best if you don't ask me why on this one…really better if you don't know.

#10 Get a tattoo.
I was gonna get a dragon, but I hear some other bitch did that already.

So that's my 2012 plan. Notice I didn't put any lame crap like "be more patient with my mother" or "stop putting peanut butter under my neighbor's doorknob" because let's face it, that junk just won't happen.

No matter what happened in 2011, I have a lot of hope that 2012 will be better. I'm sure there will be high points and low ones, but as long as I get to punch Katy Perry and control a horde of zombie minions I should be just fine.

Happy New Year everyone!

I don't know what percent I am

I'm feeling a little lost these days, and I know I'm not alone. A few weeks ago, I was informed that my job was being cut and as of Oct 28 I would become one of too many educated, hard-working Americans who are jobless. It was like being punched in the stomach.

So that day, what did I do? I activated my network of friends and professionals. I ran searches and asked everyone I knew to keep an eye out for positions I'd be interested in. I was active from the minute I could pull myself together. Finding a job right now is hard, but not impossible. It takes a ton of work. It takes diligence and it takes hope...and you know what? I was able to find things and get interviews. Ultimately there was a job for me before that deadly October 28 date arrived. Yes, I realize I was lucky, but I also worked very hard to find a job. I ended up with options.

Right now, a lot of people don't have options. Greed has taken over our country and crashed us into economic disaster. The job I had held for almost 8 years was a casualty, as well as the jobs of so many people in this country who have been laid off.

It's frustrating to see the state things are in. I find this Occupy movement frustrating too, and let me tell you why.

99% is a big number. Within that, there are people like me, who work and do what we can to make enough to survive. We fight for every cent in our pockets by working hard, gaining professional respect and making a name for ourselves...and when God forbid we're a victim of a layoff, we'll be able to find something else. We're frustrated by who has the power and the money (and by what has caused our economic downturn), but ultimately we fight to take care of ourselves in the best way we know how. We try desperately to make credit card payments and cut costs on living expenses whenever we can.

Also within the 99% are people like my parents. They have secure jobs, mortgages and take care of elderly relatives. Sure, their combined incomes allow them to be comfortable, but only if they watch spending and save for things like vacations or new furniture. They drive Hondas, not BMWs. They have a modest amount of debt. They aren't rich, but don't worry too much about money or losing their jobs.

Some people in the 99% have been unjustly evicted from their homes by banks. Some are stuck in a swirling vortex of debt that they can't get out of because of credit card rates, excessive loans, etc. There are single parents struggling with raising children and making ends meet.

For sure, much of what is happening in our economy is affecting those of us who can afford it the least, to all sorts of different degrees.

For everyone in this 99%, there is something about this economy effecting us that sucks.

But at Occupy, all i see is a bunch of the same type of people. I see a display of twentysomethings who look like they have rolled in dirt and smell awful. So I ask these kids, what if it works? What if your section of the 99% is heard and changes happen that herald an economic upturn? Do you really think you can put "Occupy Wall Street drum circle" on a resume?

Yes, the system needs to change in order for things to get better. We all know that. We all know the economy is in the shitter right now, with very little upward movement.

I think the heart of this movement is in the absolute right place, but I think the marketing stinks. If you want to facilitate change, speak the language of those you're trying to get through to. Recognize that the well-dressed broker you're shouting at as he exits the building has probably worked very hard to be where he is, and may be a part of the 99% himself.

I think Occupiers need to pick a new percentage. Those masses of campers are no more put-upon than the rest of us. The difference is that they think causing a ruckus instead of working hard and trying to improve their own situation will somehow facilitate change. Even if things improve economically, things like student loan debt don't go away unless you pay them off. In fact, things won't improve economically unless we, the 99% make it so by showing initiative, working, surviving, and slowly climbing out.

99% covers a lot of Americans. Some of us are motivated to survive. Struggling is a part of life - we shouldn't protest it, we should learn from it and work harder to be better. No country or set of rules or ideals is perfect. Don't expect it to be. Embrace what you can all do to make your own situation better. If everyone does that, good things will come for the country as a whole. There are a lot of good things about living in America. Freedom of speech is one of them. I would never disagree with a person's right to protest, but all I see in these demonstrations is a lost group of people who are asking the right questions but not listening for answers, some of which could come from themselves.

Because ultimately, out of everyone in this world, you have the most influence over yourself.

Just a quickie

The other day I received some startling news: Louis Vuitton has added condoms to their fall line-up. This is not a joke people. If you are horny and rich, this is the safe sex you always dreamed of.

Prepare to cash in what's left of your 401K, because these condoms cost $68 apiece. $68!?!?! Are you kidding me? I'm sure there's a joke about inflation in there somewhere....

Is there an optional shoulder strap?

Um, what recession?


I suppose you wear one of these bad boys when you don't want to come, you want to arrive, right? I bet Kanye has one on right now just for the hell of it, with a woman's blouse or something.

$68 eh? It seems like they were off on their price point by one dollar....or maybe it's $68 and one to grow on.....

...Or you can man up and go get a box of Trojans, instead of blowing your wad on one condom. Maybe she's gonna want to have sex more than once - and trust me, washing and reusing is not an option no matter what you paid.

So don't be the guy who can't rise to the occasion because he has buyers remorse.

OK I'm done here. These puns are making my face hurt. I will leave you with the only thing I possibly can to wrap this up:

Party time

Lately I've learned a lot about "you can't go back". I've learned there's no such thing as no regrets, and I've learned that nothing comes at me that I can't handle, one way or another.

Today is the last day of my 20s. It's strange, but when I say it like that I'm glad to leave this decade behind me. I think the 20s are just a long bridge you have to cross to get from childhood to adulthood. I feel like there is a stigma on 30. Like I need to be offended from now on when someone asks my age. I need to go buy a multivitamin with a silver label and I need to start flossing. My lady lumps are gonna start drooping if I don't hit the gym every damn day…

But rest assured, you will NEVER see me shopping at Coldwater Creek or Talbots. You can put a sweater set on my cold, dead body.

There's something awesome about starting a decade that doesn't involve college or first jobs or living with my parents. Jager bombs are no longer a part of my life. Ever. I'm 30 now, bitches. I know how to sip on a cocktail instead of sucking it hungrily through one of those its bitty straws. I can openly admit that I hate Red Bull and capri pants.

I have been a bridesmaid 6 times, and a groomsman once. I am not married. I don't want to be married right now.

I still have no idea how to hold a baby while standing up.

I can't say I'm not looking back and reflecting. I am. I think about the tests and triumphs of my 20s and thank God that they are past and have strengthened me for the road ahead. Life is hard no matter what age you are, but dealing with all of lifes obstacles AND trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in is horribly overwhelming.

Honestly, I think if you don't get tested in your 20s, you're doing it wrong. This is the decade of learning that will kick your ass. This is real. This is when you have to start taking care of your own shit, eh? I graduated college, got a job, bought a car… and learned what a budget really is.

In those distant early 20s, I remember days where all I wanted to do was die. I got past them. I celebrate those days now, as something that strengthened me. I celebrate the people who stood by me and helped bring me back, kept me alive…even though it would have been easier to give up and leave me to myself. What did I learn? How to put things into perspective, how to deal with the harshness of the real world, and most importantly, how to ask for help.

I learned about loss in my 20s. I learned that a person doesn't have to die for them to be gone. I learned how powerful prayer and the strength it gives you can be. I learned you can miss someone even if they're right in front of you, and sometimes you can't bring them back.

I learned self-motivation, and responsibility. I learned how to push myself to achieve real goals - goals that would give me satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment rather than just a good grade or a gold star. I'm still working on learning how to be on time for things, but I'm getting better.

I now know how it feels to be passed on for a promotion. It's the hardest thing in the world to keep your chin up after that and stay motivated…..hard to keep from feeling like a failure.

Not to be such a Debbie Downer, but life lessons are hard, there's no doubt about it. Most of us do a lot of growing and changing in our 20s…

But growth is self-improvement. I plan to always grow, learn, get wiser, stronger and tougher. Stagnance is death. I don't feel like I'm older, I feel like I'm better. I even have a gym membership now. Seriously, my ass is way smaller now than it was when I was 22.

----

One of my harder lessons came recently, from someone I've been very close to for most of my 20s. Some mistakes have quite the butterfly effect, and for me, have led to broken heart, broken trust, and a lost friendship. Dealing with the person I've always gone to first for comfort no longer being there for me is something I don't have adequate words for. It hurts. Every day I get a little stronger, I cry a little less…I move forward. I try not to let this broken trust damage my friendships with other people.

I've been told by a couple of people that turning a milestone birthday is a chance to throw away badness and start fresh….and I don't agree. Though in many ways I'm looking back and remembering all that got me to this point in my life, thankful that those hard moments are past, I don't want to rush something that I have yet to suffer through. A birthday is not a reset button, it is a reminder that time is still moving with me, and I have to move forward.

I guess the biggest lesson of all is not to get too comfortable, eh? I'm sure I have a lot more regret ahead of me, from things I haven't done yet. I have things to feel and more lessons to learn. If there's one thing I've learned over the past decade, it's that I'm just a little bit stupid sometimes, like everyone else.

One thing that will be true forever though, is that I have a lot of amazing people around me. For my birthday, I celebrate surviving another year, and I celebrate the support system and the love that got me here. I celebrate all of you. Mwah!