Braaaaaains.

So... I have to rant for a minute.

I watched a zombie movie last night, and by now you probably know how much I love those. A good zombie flick fills my heart with joy and happiness... it's like the Care Bear Stare going on in there. It's glorious. Also, I'm starting to discover that there are some genre movies being made overseas that are getting some great buzz among fans like myself.

So I decided to put a few into my Netflix queue and see for myself. Last night, I watched the Zombie Diaries (please please please don't confuse this one with Romero's Diary of the Dead... which was a snoozefest). Now, this is a British one that came highly recommended, so I was pumped when I sat down to watch it.


Which brings me to the point. This is not a movie review.... plenty of those exist for this movie, like this one. This is a rant. This is shit I'm sick to death of seeing in movie after movie after movie, with few to no exceptions. Here goes:

Dumb humans should not survive in a deadly outbreak of anything. Ever. In the event of a zombie apocalypse scenario, it's pretty much everyone for themselves. You figure out how to protect yourself, and you survive. Even in a band of people who know how to survive, there will still be casualties, which is why the dummies should be the first to go. You can't bumble your way through the apocalypse....

If someone gets bit by a zombie, inevitably he or she will be allowed to stay with the group until they (somehow unnoticed) die and come back, hungry for brains and flesh and shit. These people know what will happen, why should this person be any different? Shoot them in the face before there are more casualties and quit wasting my time.

Whenever some asshole in the group flips out and starts threatening his buddies, kick him out of the group. He'll probably end up doing something stupid or hotheaded that will get someone killed, and probably not himself either. One of the main components of survival is to stay calm, don't make a ruckus, and don't threaten the people who are trying to keep each other somewhat safe. Rocket science I know.


Drunk people are not accurate shots. Now this is a big one. Survivors drink a lot in zombie flicks, which is understandable, but dumb as fuck if they're out in the open around say, a campfire. Do they really think having the only light in a darkened, post-apocalyptic world is safe? Of course they do. But then, when an attack happens, two or three people get killed then BOOM! right between the eyes. One of the survivors, as if instantly sober, saves the day with deadly accuracy. It does make sense that survivors would hone their shooting skills out of necessity, but no one can shoot straight when they're drunk.

Also, I have a hard time believing that a 5-3 115 lb. girl can fire a large pistol one-handed with any kind of accuracy. I've seen shit like this way too much in these movies. Last night I saw a girl the size of Kirsten Dunst nail a zombie straight through the forehead, one-handed, with a giant pistol that would kick anyone's arm back like crazy, from about 40 feet away. Riiight.

Get continuity in your story. Now, in their defense a lot of movies do this pretty well. I mean, you're not going to be able to enjoy a zombie flick without suspending your disbelief just a bit, so a few small plot holes can be forgiven.... but don't try to go from point A "OMG there's some weird virus that's killing people!" to point D or E which is "OMG there are like 5 people left alive in the whole world and the rest are ZOMBIES!" Fill the holes in. Please. Get me some transitions so I know what the fuck is going on.

Show me something new. I love George Romero, because he was the first to ever make a zombie movie that was bloody and gory (Night of the Living Dead, 1968). He continued with several genre movies that changed not only zombie flicks, but horror altogether. I still watch anything that comes out that he's had a hand in, and I gotta say, I'm sick of the narration. I'm sick of the same scenarios over and over again. I'm sick of the same cinematography, even the same sounds. I believe Romero has sold out to the genre that he helped create, which is sad. I saw a lot of his influence in the movie last night, which in some ways made me remember what groundbreaking imagery and commentary he is capable of. In fact, the bulk of Diaries was a (well-done) mash-up of Romero's slow-paced, deliberate style, and the frantic, shaky camera work of the Blair Witch Project.
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The scariest thing about an apocalypse is that humans can't stop it, and we like to think we are in control of everything. I don't want zombies to be so predictable, because that edge of the unchecked inevitable goes away and I can't suspend my disbelief. There is no tension when you know exactly what is going to happen. Show me a movie where zombie mayhem and catastrophe happens DESPITE the best efforts of intelligent people. Make me afraid to go outside. Make me pull my feet up onto the couch in case some undead hand could reach out and grab my ankle.

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Ok, so now it is time for my recommendations. Hmmmm. I think I'll include a little something for everyone.


For newbies or people who like a little comedy mixed in, get Shaun of the Dead or Zombieland. Both are fantastic, won't stress you out too bad, and provide a nice soft introduction into an otherwise hardcore horror genre. I have to say, Shaun of the Dead is one of my all-time favorite movies, period.

If you want a classic, go for Night of the Living Dead or the original Dawn of the Dead. Both are George Romero at his finest. A harsh reality, biting social commentary and of course hordes of flesh-eating undead. Romero was only 28 when he made Night of the Living Dead, which was the first time zombies had been portrayed as flesh-eating monsters. It makes me feel like such an underachiever.

For something new, fast-paced and scary, get 28 Days Later and 28 Weeks Later. Now, I'll say for the sake of argument that these are not true zombie flicks, because there are no undead.... but these movies are tense, creative and really well done. You should also check out the Dawn of the Dead 2004 remake. Tell me, is there anything scarier than a fast zombie? Undead rotting corpses running at you at top speed, hungry for your flesh.....

Mmmmm ok, howabout something gory? Do you want to see blood and entrails splattering around your screen? Get Peter Jackson's Dead Alive or Robert Rodriguez' Planet Terror. These two are over-the-top for sure, to the point where it gets ridiculous. Yes, that is the Lord of the Rings' Peter Jackson. Fulci's Zombie has some pretty great scenes too, like zombie vs. shark, and an epic slow-motion close up eye-gouging scene. What's not to love?


Zombie Diaries is a wild card. I'd recommend it to fans of the genre, but no one else. There are some great moments that really keep you on edge. As a throwback to Romero's style, there is also a wonderful look at how different groups of survivors interact and handle themselves. It's not trying to make any bold social statements, but merely "document" the end of the world from different viewpoints. It has some holes (a lot of which I ranted about above) and starts really slow, so you have to power through for a bit. To sum it up into one statement, it is what Romero wanted Diary of the Dead to be. Gladly, there was no narrator, which was a plus. Really what made the movie interesting was the last 45 minutes or so when the drama, confusion an terror came from the survivors themselves.

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Next on my list? The French Zombie flick La Horde. I'll let you know how that one is.