Ed Hardy makes my brain throw up

I'll just get right to the point here. I really really don't understand why after being publicly displayed on the backs of John Gosselin, Britney Spears, Spencer and Heidi, the Rock of Love girls and the Jersey Shore kids, Ed Hardy is still popular. I mean, it is, isn't it? The flagship label for rampant douchedom seems to be everywhere I look... I was even in World Market the other day and saw Ed Hardy beer. Beer? Are you SERIOUS? How has it come to this?

Here's what I think, just so there is absolutely no mistake:

Buying any Ed Hardy product is like taking up smoking. You know what it will do to you, what it says about you, and how horribly bad it is for your health; therefor you are a complete idiot for doing it and deserve the consequences.

-----

Too bad the reach of this monster of over-bedazzled tastelessness isn't limited to clothing. I mentioned that I saw their beer in a store, but it gets much, much worse, I'm sorry to report. In their apparent quest for world-douchification, E.H. has released an entire line of alcoholic products, because being a sober douche just isn't obnoxious enough. Jersey Shore kids rejoice as the rest of us look on in horror.


You want more? Of course you don't, but I want you to know just how deep the rabbit hole goes, ok?

Perhaps even more disturbing than over-bronzed douches throwing up Ed Hardy sangria all over their bedazzled dragon-covered douchewear, is the ways E.H. has found to reach children. Howabout $120 for a tattoo-covered special edition RC Helicopter? Remote control car? Or maybe your kid would prefer a snowboard covered in skulls and hearts? It's terrifying to think of little douches running around, which leads me to......


.......Douchebags should not procreate. Ever. Apparently on some level, Christian Audigier has realized that. Perhaps he is sorry to have brought so much over-embellished tackiness into the world, and is trying for some sort of damage control. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Snooki's new best friend, the Ed Hardy condom:


Yaaaay for safe sex! I was afraid to run the search, but morbid curiosity has me wondering what these little gems look like. I mean, do they have dragons and skulls and tigers intertwined all around? I hope for the sake of everyone involved that there are no rhinestones, but hey, it is not the nature of these products to be tasteful or practical so I'm sure they went for broke here. I can honestly say though, that I condone this product over anything else Ed Hardy has to offer, because if it keeps douchebags from multiplying, I'm all for it.

SO.... I've barely scratched the surface but I'm sick of talking about this crap. Just thinking about it makes my brain vomit, and that's really no good at all. I mean, I didn't get to mention the Ed Hardy makeup and hair products, hand sanitizer and pizza boxes (Yes, in Oct. of this year Tony's Pizza Napoletana in San Francisco partnered with Ed Hardy, who screen printed 10,000 boxes for a charity, which customers paid an extra $3 for. I mean, it's harder to make fun of this since it's a good cause, but an Ed Hardy pizza box IS pretty ridiculous.).


There is also Ed Hardy bottled water, teabags (whole set of jokes there, but I'll save them for another time because I'm tired), coffee car accessories, phone and ipod cases, shoes, backpacks, motorcycle helmets, caffeinated candy, energy drinks, watches, jewelry, sunglasses and temporary tattoos.

Horrifying, isn't it?