That's what she said

On paper, keeping a friendship with an ex may look like a good idea. In the case of most of my exes, we were friends first, so why not be friends after the relationship doesn't work out? I mean, if you first bonded over movies and music and whatnot it's not like those interests changed after you broke up, right?

In my opinion, a successful relationship will change you. Maybe your interests stay the same, but that something inside you that initially bonded you to that person usually doesn't after you break up. When one or both of the people calls it quits, the bond is broken and it changes you. So when the smoke clears and you move on, you're different - you have a little bit better of idea what you want from the next person. In the long run, it's a good thing if maybe the friendship doesn't work out - but sometimes realizing this opens a fresh new wound that has to heal all over again. That said...

-----

I'll admit it. I do stupid things sometimes.

Tonight I did a stupid thing. I messaged my ex online, just too feel him out and see if we'd be able to have a conversation that wasn't either completely awkward or nasty. Go figure, it started out awkward and ended up nasty. Greeeat.

So, while I don't think a post-dating friendship is impossible, I think I'll get my head back on straight and let the possibility of this one die. You know, in the interest of being a bigger person. But sometimes I wonder what would happen if I played the game like him. No wait - I'm smarter and more creative, that means I can potentially play better and meaner. So these are some things he actually said to me tonight, so while my actual responses were much more benign, here is what I wish I had said.... Although I'm sure the conversation would have taken a much more volatile turn if I had. The truth is, letting sleeping dogs lie is not my forte, so you have to realize I practiced extra restraint with what I actually said to him, and the hypothetical responses below are what I was really thinking...

When he said:

"I don't humor people with phony conversation when I don't have anything to say."

Maybe I should have said:

"Well I'm thinking it's more phony that you were only speaking to me in the first place because you were trying to get into my pants... I mean honestly sweetheart, I only started hanging out with your little diva ass in the first place because I thought you were gay and come to think of it I'm still not convinced otherwise."

When he said:

"After dating you for so long, I lost interest."

I should have said:

"Really? You lost interest in someone who's massively hotter than you, who cooked for you and cleaned your kitchen, taxied you back and forth from the airport and took you to the Urgent Care when one of your bubble boy allergies acted up? Who doted on you and did anything you asked? REALLY? Ok stupid, is it possible that junior-sized snap shirt you're wearing is a little tight around the neck and cutting off your circulation, because I think you have some really misguided standards for the 'ideal girlfriend' and I can't wait to see what mousy little thing you can get next. Or even better, get with someone who's as selfish, narcissistic and entitled as you - I wonder how that's gonna work out?"

When he said (mockingly):

"I'm also still a bad boyfriend, extremely immature, and I'm reckless with relationships."

I should have said:

"Yep." (oh wait, I did say that one)

When he said:

"I discarded you a while ago."

I should have said:

"Well that's too bad for you. Because you gave up someone you didn't deserve in the first place. Seriously, that's like throwing a diamond ring in the trash. So what, I was less interesting than your Madden game? Fuck you, you stupid prick."

-----

So yes, my true feelings come out on the most passive-agressive and self-indulgent medium around - a blog page. Maybe I'm a bitch but the whole thing just pissed me off. Every time I tried to end the conversation he started it all back up - relentless, like a little teacup poodle just snapping at my ankles. I mean, it's been two months and the nastiness is still there. I said in a previous post we'd never be friends and in a moment of weakness I doubted that decision. Look what happened! One hour of online bickering and my mind is made up once again. What a douche.

Oh crap I'm a duck face

Yesterday a friend sent me this site. As I was laughing and passing it along to my friends, several of them replied back that hey, I should upload some photos to the site because I totally make that face in photos all the time.

Whaaaat?

Ok, ok.... yes, I've been known to take a goofy photo or two. I make faces out of pure uncontested silliness, so it makes sense that an occasional duck face would slip in to my photo galleries. I feel I should clarify that I do not make this face to be sexy, accentuate my cheekbones (fabulous as they are), make my lips pouty or turn you on.

And just to show I'm a good sport and can laugh at myself, I give you my own personal duck face photo gallery:

Yeah, I know. I'm a sexy bitch.... and I can duck face with the best of the best.

Anatomy of a Halloween makeover

Halloween has come and gone, and left quite a bit of carnage in its wake. My apartment looks like a tornado has touched down, leaving scattered debris made of makeup, fake blood and skanky goth clothing ....

That's right folks, this weekend I dressed as my favorite Halloween cliche: the vampire.

So....

Places I've had to OxyClean fake blood since yesterday:

• The living room carpet

• The dining room carpet

• my computer mouse

• the kitchen counter

• the kitchen floor

• the couch

• the driver's side seatbelt in my car

• the gearshift in my car

• the steering wheel in my car

• pretty much all surfaces in the bathroom

• two different jackets

• my cell phone

why so much blood? well I decided to gore myself up, giving myself a nasty vampire hickey, because apparently it's more fun to be a freshly turned vamp with blood oozing out of prosthetic holes on the side of my neck. It took 2 hours, gobs of makeup, liquid latex and tacky fake blood to finally accomplish this masterpiece:

Pair that with some fang dentures and a black wig and you're got yourself a newly turned vampire.

Which brings me to my next issue: the wig. You see, I ordered my wig and on the website I had to make a tough decision. I had to pick either small or large head size. I really thought that small meant child and large was adult, but after receiving the wig in the mail and realizing that it was much much too big for my head (massive locks of red hair included) I was informed by a friend that small meant lady size and large was man... so needless to say I had a bit of a conehead in my enormous drag queen wig:

But hey, I worked it. I put on my hot-ass black dress, fishnets with the backseam and slutty red patent t-strap high high heels... so WHAT if my wig, fake eyelashes and over-the-top makeup made me look a little like I was in drag. I LOVED my costume. Trust me, I looked hella sexy as I towered over fellow partygoers and bared my (frighteningly realistic) prosthetic fangs.

Other costume issues I had while getting dressed were:

• It took 45 minutes to secure my fake eyelashes to my eyelids. It was ridiculous and I had eyelash glue boogers all over the upper half of my face before it was done.

• My outlast lipstick outlasted just about everything. I woke up this morning with red lips and couldn't figure out how to get it off. When they say outlast they aren't kidding. Good job, CoverGirl.

• The fishnets I bought were too short for me, I spent the night with the crotch of the fishnets sitting pretty at about 4" below where my actual crotch was.

But it all looked pretty good, so I suffered not in vain.

Then after the party, I got home and was so tired all I wanted to do was fall into bed (another place to clean fake blood from). That was not an option however, because of the massive amount of makeup and gore on my face and neck. I started by pulling off the latex neck wound:

Ouch:

I figured it would just be easy to shower to get all that off. But let me tell you a little something about fake blood: it STAINS YOUR SKIN. I walked around all day today looking like I had a patch of neon pink sunburn on my neck. Hopefully by tomorrow it will have faded to a more normal-looking shade.... but for now, I'll just say it was worth it! I had a great Halloween and am sad it is over... I'm already starting to plan for next year...

What the kids are watching

I think I mentioned in my last post that I love horror films. It's funny though, because I'm a huge wuss when it comes to watching them. I jump even when I KNOW something is coming (for instance, every time that alien pops out of that poor man's stomach - I've seen Alien dozens of times and it ALWAYS gets me) but for some sick reason I love it! I love movies that get my heart pounding and make me jump or hide my eyes. A little gore never hurt anybody... except for the poor guy getting hacked up by that madman with the chainsaw!

So anyway, it's Halloween and I've been watching these things all October. I've been humming their theme music and quoting the best lines in my best ominous horror movie voice. So I've made a list of must-see Halloween classics guaranteed to get you in the mood...

Dracula (1931)

"There are far worse things awaiting a man than death"

I decided to kick my list off with a true classic. If you haven't seen Bela Lugosi as Dracula, then we probably can't be friends until you do. It's grainy, creepy and all other vampire flicks are second to this one. A distant second. Bela is the original Vampire, and the godfather of Halloween.

The Evil Dead (1981)

"There's something out there. That... that witch in the cellar is only part of it. It lives... out in those woods, in the dark... something... something that's come back from the dead."

Who doesn't want to watch Bruce Campbell fight off scary demons and monsters? This movie was brilliant - a thrilling, creative, no budget roller coaster. The bad lighting, effects and shaky camerawork only add to the creepiness of it. It's campy and a little cheesy but will scare you anyway!

Army of Darkness (1992)

"Good, bad - I'm the guy with the gun!"

Ok ok, so maybe this one is more goofy than scary - but it's a must-watch during the Halloween season because of the cheesy yet AWESOME one-liners, over-the-top monsters... and a chainsaw hand!

Halloween (1978)

"I watched him for fifteen years, sitting in a room, staring at a wall, not seeing the wall, looking past the wall - looking at this night, inhumanly patient, waiting for some secret, silent alarm to trigger him off. Death has come to your little town, Sheriff. Now you can either ignore it, or you can help me to stop it."

This pick needs no explanation. It's the first real slasher film, and revolutionized the horror movie genre! I'm not as crazy about it's sequels, but the original definitely set the bar for every slasher movie that came after it, and so far none have measured up.

Night of the Living Dead (1968)

"We may not enjoy living together, but dying together isn't going to solve anything."

I would be betraying the horror genre by leaving this movie off the list. It will certainly make you check your locks and secure your windows before going to bed. Romero gave horror movies a swift kick in the teeth, by showing zombies as gruesome, violent, flesh-eating creatures... and they're coming for you....

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974)

"I just can't take no pleasure in killing. There's just some things you gotta do. Don't mean you have to like it."

So many reasons this is one of the best horror movies ever made. Maybe it's the claim at the beginning that the film is based on actual events, or maybe its the mask made of human skin.... either way, when you've got a chainsaw-wielding madman, his f-ed up family and a bunch of hapless victims, you've got yourself a reason to scream.

The Shining (1980)

"Wendy? Darling? Light, of my life. I'm not gonna hurt ya. You didn't let me finish my sentence. I said, I'm not gonna hurt ya. I'm just going to bash your brains in."

Ooooh where do I begin with this one? To me, this is the perfect movie. In fact, if I were rating the movies on this list it would be #1, no question. I mean, you have a kid with psychic powers, a scary possessed hotel, and a madman trying to kill his own family ... in true Kubrick style, it's set at a calculated, very deliberate pace that does funny things to your heart rate without you even realizing it until the end when you let out that breath you didn't even realize you were holding.....

Psycho (1960)

"She just goes a little mad sometimes. We all go a little mad sometimes. Haven't you?"

Did you really think I could make a Halloween list without a Hitchcock movie? This is one of my very favorites - and still one of the creepiest movies I've ever seen. Just make sure you get the original and not the remake.

Dawn of the Dead (1978)

"This isn't the Republicans versus the Democrats, where we're in a hole economically or... or we're in another war. This is more crucial than that. This is down to the line, folks, this is down to the line. There can be no more divisions among the living!"

Banned in 17 countries. I know you're thinking "ok, so why do we need two George Romero zombie flicks on this list?" Well, both are REVOLUTIONARY to zombie movies and the horror genre. Dawn of the Dead features some of the goriest scenes I've ever seen, and really projects a zombie apocalypse to the point where you almost believe it while you're watching the movie. Scary stuff.

Nightmare on Elm Street (1984)

"One, two, Freddy's coming for you.

Three, four, better lock your door.

Five, six, grab your crucifix.

Seven, eight, better stay awake.

Nine, ten, never sleep again."

Freddy Krueger = one of the best horror movie monsters ever. He's got a creepy backstory, scary messed up face and claws to rip apart his victims. Plus, where else will you find a scene where Johnny Depp gets swallowed by his bed and then regurgitated in a giant geyser of blood? Its gratuitous, creepy and perfect for Halloween.

-------

There are lots of great horror movies not on the list, like Friday the 13th, Alien, Poltergeist, Seven, Stir of Echos, The Ring, Sleepy Hollow.... the list goes on and on.

Notice I did not include The Exorcist. There is a reason for that. It scares me too much! I've seen it once and couldn't sleep right for weeks.

Well, I decided to keep the list all horror, but don't forget that there are Halloween classics that aren't supposed to make you jump in your seat, like the Ghostbusters movies, Beetlejuice or Rocky Horror Picture Show, Shaun of the Dead, Young Frankenstein..... even the new movie Zombieland is FANTASTIC.

So I have one last nugget of wisdom for you before I go start putting on my glampire costume. Stay away from the remake! Texas Chainsaw, Psycho, Halloween... and many many more just aren't as good the second time around! I don't know why people feel the need to mess with a good thing, but they do - it's a good thing you don't have to watch it!

The most wonderful time of the year

I consider myself a Halloween connoisseur. I'm obsessed. I've been planning my costume since June, and as soon as October rolls around and AMC starts playing all those old school horror and Halloween movies - forget about it! Try and drag me away from Ghostbusters or Texas Chainsaw Massacre (the original of course) and I'll probably bite you. I dance through the Halloween aisle at Target, frequent costume stores and make trips to the Farmer's Market just to visit the pumpkins. Halloween done right can be the most fun night of the year!!

I do have, however, two personal rules of Halloween etiquette that MUST be followed if you're gonna roll with a seasoned Halloween pro like myself:

1. For heaven sakes, get a costume.

There is no one worse than that guy who shows up to the party dressed in regular clothes. I mean, it's a Halloween party and you think you're too cool to dress up? I have news for you "cool guy," you look ridiculous in your khakis and polo standing there between Wonder Woman and that Wookie. Don't be a tool. Dress up and embrace the fun of thinking outside the box for a couple of hours. Trust me buddy, you'll thank me for this little tip later, when you're dancing with that hot Nurse over there instead of drinking your beer while standing off to the side ALONE.

And ladies, I don't mean lingerie is a costume. If slutty works for you then it isn't much of a costume is it? Put the bunny ears away and think of something a bit better ok? You don't want to end up going home with khaki boy ... you can be sexy without looking like you're just gonna give it away.

2. Stay away from fad costumes.

I made a list of this year's most cringeworthy costumes to help you out with this. I know it's tempting and you think some are clever, but trust me, ok? You'll just look like you're trying too hard.

• Jon & Kate. This seems like a no-brainer, but I heard that her stupid weed wacker haircut wig is selling out nationwide. Personally, if I see you dressed as either of these assholes, I will punch you in the face. What's worse than actually being one of these idiots? Emulating them!

• The Balloon Kid. Like this crackhead family needs any more freakin attention.

• Octomom. Same comments as Jon & Kate, with the added zing of "that was soooo last year."

• Michael Jackson. Bad taste, and EVERYBODY's gonna be doing it. Don't tarnish the legacy of Thriller like that. Just don't.

• Any political figure. Lazy and boring - what, are you trying to rob a bank? Put the mask down slowly and walk away...

• Twilight characters. Because it's lame, that's why.

• Any couples costume. I know you think it's adorable, but you are making people vomit in their mouth. Trust me. Group costumes can be cool though, if you wanna go that route.

• Anything with roller skates. Enough said.

-----

Ok I gotta get back to the Bugs Bunny Halloween Hijinks special on Cartoon Network. I'm sure I'll post more Halloween wisdom over the next couple of days as it approaches!

Get up offa that thang

Yes ladies and gentlemen, I'm feeling a bit funky today.

My last post was the last push to get all the nastiness of the breakup out of my system. That's right - I'm back and it's time to move toward something new and better! I decided this last night while soaking in some truly luxurious chocolate- scented bubbles (yeah I said chocolate and that's probably why I've been hungry all day. I smell a bit like a Hershey bar). I finally feel free of what happened. Yeah, I still think about it from time to time but not in a way that will push me back towards him. He's gone, and I've come out tougher and smarter.

So.... yeah. Operating under the assumption that good things come with a good attitude, I woke up this morning, donned my sexiest pair of cranberry patent heels, and strutted out the door singing Michael Jackson's "Bad".....

... and nearly tripped over a diamond ring. I'm not kidding. I did put it on, so I guess that means me and the landing at the apartment building are officially engaged to be married. Ha! If only I could let you-know-who know he's been replaced by poured concrete and steel! (either you're gonna appreciate that joke or not.... it could really go either way).

Work was productive, lunch was delicious, my hair looked great, and I may even hit the gym at some point.

It's time to let go, you know? I've gone through all the steps... deleted photos, old emails and his phone number. I un-friended him on Facebook, and have embraced peanut butter and chinese food once again (hello to my old friend, the peanut - how I missed you! even the slightest tinge of peanut on my breath would have reduced boy to a quivering blister in a matter of seconds! Although perhaps now I should just get a bb gun and a jar of them and go to town).

No, no. I'm done. I'm happy. And I'm BAD.

From heartbreak to healing

I don't usually let people mess with me. I like to be in control, confident and alert to what is going on around me. When my ex and I broke up though, I found myself in a helpless situation that I couldn't understand or fix. It was, and still is devastating.

I really think when a significant relationship of any kind ends, you go through the 7 stages of grief. Here's what has happened to me:

1. Shock and Denial.

He says "I'm done. It's over." I don't believe him. I think, he'll come back and apologize when he's done being angry. It's been too long and we're too close for it to just end like that, right? I mean, I love him so surely I'm important enough to him to warrant a little forgiveness for what I've done to cause this. Also, he'll certainly realize that what he's done in retaliation is childish and hurtful. I hold on to hope that he will come to his senses.

2. Pain and Guilt.

I can't think. I can't speak. All I do is lay on the couch or the bed or the floor and feel the unbelievable pain of loss. I cry and cry as if someone has died. Everything reminds me of him, so I don't watch TV, go shopping, hang out with friends, or even eat. I feel like this is all my fault, that I caused this to happen and the pain will never end, so I give in to it and hope it will eventually kill me. This is the part where I think I can literally feel my heart break.

3. Anger and Bargaining.

This is where I start thinking it's all his fault. I plot revenge, say nasty things to whoever will listen and dream of beating him senseless for what he's done to me. The anger is unfocused, and I can sense that my friends are getting sick of hearing me vent and complain about him in such a forceful and nasty way. I snap at coworkers, friends and family members. My attitude runs hot and cold all the time. All the while, I'm wondering if there's something I can change in myself that will make him want me back. I don't know at this point if I would take him back, but I want him to desperately want me.

4. Depression, Reflection and Loneliness.

Sometimes I think I revert back to this one. The anger has worn off and so has the hope that he will come back. I know I shouldn't want him back, but we had almost a year of really good times and sometimes those memories hit hard. It's hard to go from having someone who's such a big part of my life, who I had a routine with, and who I trusted and craved being around, to nothing. It took a long time to work up to that point of comfort, and it seems so daunting to think about having to work up to it again with someone new. It seems like that will never end up happening and I'll be alone and never share these types of feelings with anyone ever again. How's that for a Debbie Downer?

5. The Upward Turn.

I can actually tell the moment this happened for me. The true turning point where I dusted myself off and decided to move on was actually because of a conversation I had with a good friend of my ex, of all people (who I didn't and still don't know very well, but seems like an awesome person and I'm glad my ex has someone like that in his life). He simply told me that my ex wasn't ready or worthy of a relationship of the magnitude that ours was. He didn't know how to handle it and had a lot of growing up to do before he would be ready. Long story short, it got me over the hump. It wasn't that I had picked someone so wrong for me, as much as it was someone who wasn't ready for me. I'm so thankful for that little conversation! Because it got me to....

6. Reconstruction and Working Through, and 7. Acceptance and Hope.

I'm different now that this happened. I'm still sad, yes, but I'm thinking clearly and gaining back the control I once had over how I handle things and the actions that I take. I'm no longer angry, and I'm also not holding onto any kind of hope that we will reconcile our relationship and get back together.

-----

Well, writing this out probably helped me more than it's helped you. Though I'm well on my way to moving past all that has happened, I still miss him and think about him and it helps to be able to sort out what I've been through in writing. It helps me to realize with my head AND my heart that I can't go back - only forward.