Thursday, December 29, 2011

2011 can suck it

Yeah, that's right. I know I'm not alone in this. I know that this year my blog posts have attained the rarity of Haley's Comet, but I felt I needed to give 2011 one last great big verbal middle finger.

How am I gonna do that? By not talking about 2011.

I thought it would be more fun to move forward and share my list of resolutions for the new year, because I've decided this year will be the year of Merissa.

Resolutions for 2012: failure not an option on these, so buckle up.

#1 Lose 15 lbs.
Ok, ok I know what you're thinking….this is EVERYBODY'S resolution, every year, always. The thing is, I don't have a lot of trophy years left and I need to be able to make the best of 2012 by showing as much non-muffin-top skin as possible.

#2 Write a zombie-themed cookbook.
I feel this is a relatively untapped market. Why not combine my love of baking with my love of the decaying undead? It makes perfect sense to me…and I have a few ideas involving raspberry jam….

#3 Get a tan.
There has to be a way for me to do this. I'm sick of camera flashes reflecting off my face, making me look like a white pancake with eyes. I also have accepted that waiting for my freckles to connect is something I should completely give up on.

#4 Punch Katy Perry in the face.
I don't need to explain this one, and you know you want in on it. She's the only one who's heard that damn "Firework" song more than we have and she still thinks she's hot shit.

#5 Go to Pawn Stars.
Every time I watch that show I start wandering around my apartment looking for treasure. So far I have unearthed no Civil War firearms or Faberge brooches, but I remain optimistic. I did find a bugle in my closet that I predict to be worth almost $7. Also, I'd like to have a grouch-off with the Old Man.

#6 Read The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.
Dude. Maybe the 3rd try is the charm. Reading that book is the mental equivalent of running through 3 feet of mud….but I can't let it beat me….not in 2012, bitch.

#7 Assemble those IKEA shelves I bought 2 years ago.
If you're laughing at this one, I dare you to come put these things together. I double dog dare you.

#8 Not get pregnant.
This is my standby resolution every year. In fact, I pop a couple of extra birth control pills into my mouth like tic-tacs every time I'm around someones screaming/wiggling/leaking bundle of joy. Also, I've corked my vagina. No tiny gingers for me (at least right now) thanks. I can't even keep a plant alive...

#9 Gain control of an army of Zombie minions.
It's best if you don't ask me why on this one…really better if you don't know.

#10 Get a tattoo.
I was gonna get a dragon, but I hear some other bitch did that already.

So that's my 2012 plan. Notice I didn't put any lame crap like "be more patient with my mother" or "stop putting peanut butter under my neighbor's doorknob" because let's face it, that junk just won't happen.

No matter what happened in 2011, I have a lot of hope that 2012 will be better. I'm sure there will be high points and low ones, but as long as I get to punch Katy Perry and control a horde of zombie minions I should be just fine.

Happy New Year everyone!